


A Bit Too Late

by SaturnGhost



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Evan Hansen - Freeform, F/F, Finished, Gay, Jared Klienman - Freeform, M/M, Shit, Sorry guys, Sort of? - Freeform, ask questions of plotline if confused, connor Murphy - Freeform, dear evan hansen - Freeform, galaxy girls maybe, its gay shit, not much zoe x alana, or not idk, takes a long time to develope sorry guys, treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:10:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 43,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaturnGhost/pseuds/SaturnGhost
Summary: Connor enters a tad bit too late too see Evan put a sheet of paper in a folder. That changed everything.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor was trying to get better, but sometimes it would slip. Minor mistakes which lead to big mistakes which lead to sorrow and suicidal ideas. 

Somedays, much like this one, someone would say something that would trigger Connor into making him seem like a huge ass. Connor would then need to release this negative energy into something, or someone in this case, then for the rest of the day he would be fine. Unfortunately, he released it on some poor innocent kid that just happen to cough at the wrong time and place. Now Connor was planning to, apologizing to this kid. 

He saw his victim (victim? Connor wasn’t planning to kill him) entering the computer lab. Connor started to walk over to the room, but someone stopped him. 

Alana Beck.

She was fairly nice, just too talkative. Connor believed that the only reason Beck even talked to him was for the sole purpose of telling her future college that she was friends, or ‘acquaintances’, with a depressed druggie. Alana had this way of knowing when Connor wanted to talk, and when he didn’t. Sometimes Connor would just straight up say he didn’t care, or he would wait for her to stop speaking, but usually she would just stop once she saw how uninterested Connor looked. Today she didn’t realize that Connor couldn’t care less, but Connor was trying to be better. One person at a time.

“So that was my summer! I know some other people’s summer’s were bad! Like Evan Hansen! He broke his arm! Poor him! Well I gave to go. Bye Connor thanks for talking!” Alana waved cheerfully, Connor did the same without the smile. 

Evan Hansen.

Was that the kid he pushed?

The  kid teen, from a quick glance that Connor catched, had a cast on his left arm. There was a chance. As he walked into the room, he watched the boy neatly put a sheet of paper inside a yellow folder. The yellow folder was then placed inside his backpack. 

“Uh. Hi,” Connor entered, awkwardly, into the room startling the male. He cursed himself when he walked in, he looked like a schoolgirl talking to her crush- which by the way, Connor does not crush on this boy. 

After a moment of silence, the boy spoke up. “Uh. Hi. Hello. Um- Hi?” The sandy haired kid greeted multiple of times. A printer was separating both of the seniors. 

“I just wanted to say sorry and stuff,” the brunette apologized, standing there very stiff. After another silence Connor asked, “So- uh- what happen to your arm?” 

“Oh! I- you see, I uh fell. Fell out a tree-.” The blonde teen walked around the printer near Connor. Connor finally saw the whole body of the other male. The blond kid, presumably Evan Hansen, wore a blue polo shirt with khakis and out of brand shoes. His hair was neatly combed, his hands were playing with the hem of his shirt, and he wore his backpack.

“That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” A light chuckle came from the school pothead. Connor realized they were both bad at talking once another silence came, and again Connor spoke. “So no one has signed it?” 

The tree kid shook his head no, Connor asked for a sharpie then he proceeded to sign it. Big, splotchy, black letters that spelled out ‘CONNOR’ was now written on the tree kid’s cast. 

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor joked. The kid nodded. “So what’s your name fellow friend?” 

“Huh? Oh! I’m Evan. Evan Hansen,” The kid, who is confirmed Evan, smiled. An awkward, you-called-me-friend type of smile. 

“Do you want me to walk you out or something?” Connor suggested acknowledging the door. 

“Oh! Uh- can’t. I-I um uh have to r-ride  _ w-with  _ Jared! I don’t think y-you hugs um um like each other very m-much. I mean you see nice and all but Jared is mean and you guys seem like you don’t like each other because of that mean comment he said this morning and well yeah and stuff. And I’m sorry,” Evan finally swallowed.

“Why are you sorry? I should be sorry, and I totally am…” Connor trailed off. He started to walk off, Evan followed behind. Evan explained that people ranting was annoying, and he believed he was annoying. Connor told him to shut up, and that it was okay. That made Evan smile for some reason. When Connor stepped out the door, Evan stopped him.

“I j-just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I did this morning, and sorry for what Jared said and anything he says in the future,” Evan said very fast making it sound like it was just one big long sentence. Connor gave a small smile, and uttered out yeah. The smile was more like his eyebrows relaxing from his usual angry state, and his lips were pursed together. Connor left Evan in the computer lab, as he headed towards the school’s entrance to exit. As he walked out he catched a glance of Jared Klienman waiting for Evan. So Evan wasn’t lying.


	2. Chapter 2

 Evan had arrived home. Jared was teasing him that Connor and him were making out, which was the reason why Evan had his name on his cast. When Evan had suggested Jared to sign it, Jared had scoffed at the silly idea. 

_ “Evan. We’re family friends, not  _ _ best _ _ friends.” _

The words still bounced about inside of Evan’s mind, bothering him. The only, sole, reason Evan was bothered was not because of the family friends part, Evan was used to it by now, but by the reason that Evan didn’t have any friends. 

Well…

Except maybe… 

_ ‘Don’t get your hopes up Hansen. It was just a joke,’  _ Evan shook off any thoughts of the Murphy Brother. 

The silent home greeted Evan as he walked in. How long has he been standing outside?

His home was the only place where he wouldn’t get judged, laughed at, teased, and bullied. His sanctuary. But sometimes his sanctuary would betray him, the silence would stab him, the pills buried in the cabinets would laugh at him too. Looking down at his cast, Evan sighed. His home, sometimes, wasn’t the best place to stay. Sometimes Evan would try to get far away from here, but somehow he would always end up in the same place. 

Opening his laptop that his mom gave to him as a birthday present, he logged into the school’s website to see if he had any assignments. He skimmed through the staff list, finding his teacher’s, and searching for any work.

Luckily, there was no homework Evan needed to finish, but unfortunately, a group project was coming up soon. School was just starting, how is there already a project? Evan groaned, re-reading the paragraph. 

_ Our school this year has decided to change the curriculum for all grades, 9-12, starting off the school year with a group project. This project will help students learn more about each other, but unlike the other group projects, this project will continue all school year long. Every Language Arts teacher will assign students their partner, the project will start next week. If the group gets out of hand, or hasn’t done any work by the end of October, they will get split up.  _

**_Group Project_ **

Evan was not ready for this. A whole  _ school year _ of working with somebody?! Was the school, no, was the  _ universe _ trying to kill him for stealing a sunflower plant he took from his dad when he was 5?! Not that Evan would mind if he died, that meant he would stop bothering his mom, no one would remember him, everyone would be happy and-

Evan shut the laptop, putting it aside. He layed on his bed, nature sounds from the opened window in his room soothed him. A group project was the last thing he needed. The sandy-haired colored teen rubbed his eyes, his gut felt like throwing up, and all he wanted- all he  _ needed _ \- was a real friend who he could text right now. Instead he got Jared Klienman, his jokester ‘family friend’, Alana Beck, his ‘acquaintance’ that didn’t care about him, a huge fat crush on Zoe Murphy, and a pretend friend Connor Murphy. His life sucked. 

A ding came from his laptop. Apparently he didn’t close it correctly, because Jared had texted him on the weird online chat message thing.

**[InsanelyCoolKlienman has sent a message]**

Evan opened the message, hating himself for doing so.

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: can i copy ur hw tmrw?**

**HansenChild: uh**

**HansenChild: for which class?**

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: Meht duh**

**HansenChild: Right sorry.**

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: Whatevs**

Evan logged out of the chat before the chat lasted longer. Math had totally crossed Evan’s mind. How did they have math homework on the first day of school? Reaching for his backpack, Evan fell over his bed. A loud thump was heard in his room. He groaned, he had luckily landed on his good arm, but it still hurt a lot. He was such a klutz. This time, Evan stood up and searched threw his ugly backpack he had for 8 years now. The bright yellow folder labeled, ‘Therapy Letters’, was still in his backpack. Connor suddenly popped into his mind.

Connor Murphy was the type of kid who would totally attract girls. He had pretty long hair, he had an incredible jawline, his face was symmetric which scientifically was attractive, and he had thin body that looked like he gave awesome hugs. Sadly though, his druggie-’school shooter-emo-punk looks gave off the wrong vibe. Connor was totally handsome. Not that Evan liked him or anything, he liked Zoe Murphy, Connor’s sister. Plus, Evan wasn’t gay. Well, not admittedly gay, but not straight either. Evan was confused, that’s all he knew. He also knew he lied a lot. 

Evan resumed to his task, finally snatching the homework from his backpack. He searched for any math homework, but he didn’t find anything. Evan sauntered to the old laptop, logging back in, and seeing the message Jared had texted 2 minutes ago.

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: fuk nvm**

Evan was tired, so he quickly typed what he needed to say.

**HansenChild: First day of school. No Homework. Sorry.**

Minutes passed, and Jared finally read the message.

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: Duh. Idiot.**

_ ‘But you were the one who wanted it. Not me,’ _ Evan nettled closing the laptop harder than before. Hansen sighed, strolling downstairs. His stomach growled, but Evan was not going to risk his life on ordering pizza. No way! Instead he ignored the feeling, and decided to just microwave some noodles. When the ding on the microwave finally was heard, he carefully took the little cup the noodles were in, and walked over to the living room putting on a movie. 

Pitch Perfect.

Evan was a sucker for guys who could sing. 

_ ‘GIRLS! I’m a sucker for  _ _ girls _ _ who can sing!!!’  _ He thought burning his hand with the hot ramen. Although there were no pretty  ~~guys~~ girls in Pitch Perfect that Evan fantasised about, he still loved the pretty music coming from the mouth of the actors. Sometimes, Evan wished he could sing, but knew he would be an ugly singer, and no one would even come to his concerts. Evan wouldn’t even have concerts, he’s afraid of big crowds so how could he have a concert; and who says that he would sign an agreement with a record company? Record companies would hate his voice and him too. Instead he settled for less, just watching people act and sing. HE could settle for that. 


	3. Chapter 3

Connor was sober. He didn’t want to be sober, but he couldn’t find his stash of weed this morning so he left his home without getting high. Being sober meant he would have to deal with people, and their stupid know-it-all attitudes. 

He could always skip…

Connor got in the car Zoe was waiting in. The Murphy brother could drive, but he didn’t have his own care. Instead he had to ride in the ugly little yellow volkswagen beetle that one of their aunts gave Zoe for her new car permit she got. 

“You stink,” Zoe noted as she started the car.

“Fuck you asshole. I haven’t showered. I don’t want to. Fuck off now,” Connor said throwing on his earbuds into his ears. He higher the volume really high to bother his sister, and because he really didn’t want to hear his sister whine.

When they arrived, Connor immediately got out of the tiny bright car. He hated it. It was too bright for his depressed looking eyes. Zoe said something, but Connor couldn’t hear over the music he was listening to. He walked into school, rushing to get to the bathroom. 

“Fuck! Watch where you’re going emo fag!” He heard someone say. He swiftly turned around and flipped off the person, noticing it was Klienman. Klienman next to Evan.

“At least I don’t eat bathbombs for a living!” Connor said hoping to see Evan laugh. Evan chuckled, making Jared punch him in his shoulder. Connor smiled, but stopped immediately rushing back to the bathroom. Whoever was in the bathroom, got out when they saw Connor get in. 

Sometimes the atmosphere he gave was good for him, other times it bothered him and made him want to kill himself even more. 

Gosh he needed weed. 

Connor took of the earbuds and shoved them into his bag. He locked the bathroom door, and turned on the water. He rolled up his sleeves, hair ties, rubber bands, a bracelet, and cut marks decorating his wrist. He hated everything he wore and did, and that was no exception. Water poured into the bowl-shape that the Murphy boy’s hand made. The brunette splashed it on his face, his eyes a red color from the weed he took last night. Eyebags hanged noticeably from his insomnia, little cuts were adorned on his bottom lip from biting too hard, and his face looked like a vampire. His hair was messy from the lack of brushing it, and he did stink. He pulled up his hair quickly, and pulled on the piercing in his ear. He had two black stud earrings on the standard lobe, one simple silver earrings on his helix, and a smaller gray stud on his upper lobe. He had all these piercing on one ear, on the other he only had the standard earring with the black stud. For a while he had one of his favorite band earrings, but he changed it for the studs instead. 

Connor took off the hair tie, placing it back on his wrist, and unrolled the black sweater’s sleeves. 

The ‘emo fag’ walked out the bathroom, the hallways empty, and he rushed to the school’s entrance hoping to get out of the school. He sprinted towards the doors, but a teacher stopped him. 

Ugh.

Luckily the teacher made him go to his first period, but he really didn’t want to go. Hoping that he could leave before lunch, he went to the first period. When he walked in, the teacher eyed him, everyone was silent and they looked up, and he spotted Evan Hansen. What class was this?

“Who are you?” The Teacher asked.

“The Devil,” Connor remarked walking over to an empty seat in the back. Someone had told the teacher his name, so the teacher marked him present. 

“As I was  _ saying _ , there is going to be a project next week. Today I’m choosing your previously picked partners, and you will spend 20 minutes getting to know them. Okay?” Everyone said some form of yes once the teacher finished. She started out calling names alphabetically.

Connor heard Evan’s name be called with someone else. Somehow that stung Connor, somehow Connor wanted to be with Evan. 

Gosh he needed weed.

The teacher called Connor’s name with someone named Elizabeth, Connor didn’t bother to lift up his head. Elizabeth walked over to Connor, poking him on his head, and his head snapped up.

“What the hell do  _ you _ want?” Connor scoffed looking her up and down. She wore a light blue dress, she had long brown hair that went up to her torso. She was very prissy, and totally the teacher’s pet. 

“We’re supposed to work together for a project and-” 

“Fuck off,” Connor groaned laying his head back on the desk. He heard kids snicker, whisper, and gossip.

“Connor Murphy!” The teacher gasped. Connor didn’t look up, too tired to do so, but of course he would get sent to the office. It would be a clever escape, but then the principal would call his parents and fucking Larry will be butthurt. 

“Can’t I have a different homosexual as my partner?!” Connor sighed. He heard the girl say something about dating some guy name Alexander Hamsticks, but Connor shrugged it off ignoring note.

“Ok. Fine. Pick,” The teacher eyed him. Connor stood up and searched around the room. He saw some kids trying to hide behind their friends, others were trying to get near him showing off their confidence, and some others didn’t care less. His eyes landed on Evan, he looked worried but his eyes wanted to be with Connor. Connor wondered for a bit, and turned to the teacher.

“Just sent me to the fucking principal’s office,” Connor said walking near the door but getting held up by the teacher. The male professor opened his mouth to say something, but he shut it once a student came up to him. 

“I’ll write you a pass. Come here,” Mr.whats-his-face commanded Connor. Connor rolled his eyes, shrugging , and walking next to the student. 

“Hey. Uh- did you want to maybe. Nevermind sorry. Hi,” The student, which was the blue-polo shirt kid; Evan Hansen, stuttered. Connor eyed him like the teacher did before.

“Spit it out Hansen. Now or never,” Murphy advised the boy next to him. Evan looked at him, then the cast, and took a deep breath.

“I was uh- wondering i-if you wanted to maybe uh do the project together?” Evan asked making the sentence sound like one word, and his voice hiring an octave near the end.

As Connor was about to respond to the question, the teacher butted in.

“Of course! You two are new partners now!” He smiled a sarcastic smile at Connor. It was obvious the teacher didn’t like Connor already. 

“But-” Connor tried to protest glaring at Evan. 

“And here’s your pass!” The teacher shoved into Connor’s hands, and practically pushed him out the room. Connor stood outside the room.

“Fucker,” He whisper stomping towards the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A word can change everything, let me tell you that.  
> Also I'm thinking of holding an ask on Tumblr. once I publish at least 8 chapters or more. Idk, what do you guys think?


	4. Chapter 4

“You two will be the stereotypical ‘I met my boyfriend-slash-husband on a group project in senior year.  _ It was love at first sight!’ _ ” Jared crackled. 

Evan flushed responding to Jared’s “joke”. “W-we’re n-not gay Jared!” 

“Right you’re not. You’re bisexual!” Jared crowed at his joke while his family friend looked stunned.

“N-NO!” the anxious teen of the two tried to deny Jared’s remarks, but Jared just pushed him off.

“Whatever,” Jared smirked leaving Evan in the hallway. Jared was supposed to give Evan a ride home today, but when the sandy haired teen tried to ask for a ride home, Jared ignored him. Either way Evan needed to print the letter for his therapist, and he hadn’t even written it yet which meant that he would take long. 

_ ‘Dear Evan Hansen,’  _ He thought walking towards the computer lab.  _ ‘Today was a good day and here’s why: Jared almost left you this morning.’ _

Evan watched as his feet walked towards the room where Connor came into yesterday. If Connor had came a second earlier, he would read Evan’s therapist letter about his sister, and Hansen knew that the outcome would probably not be pretty. The only time when Evan looked up from the intense stare that he was giving his shoes, was when he heard two people arguing. He knew that it wasn’t his place to be nosy, or overhear their argument, but they were talking so loud it was impossible.

“You can’t just do whatever you want! Try to do more in school, make friends, get a life! DO SOMETHING!” a female voice shouted. Evan’s pale blue eyes followed their way to the two people.

“SHUT UP! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!! I’M NOT A  _ FUCKING _ CHILD ZOE!” Evan heard someone scream, his eyes snapping up immediately at the voice. Connor Murphy, yelling at his sister (Evan’s crush), Zoe Murphy. 

“WELL YOU SURE ACT LIKE A CHILD!” She yelled back at her brother, ignoring anybody else who was in the hallway. Evan now knew that it wasn’t the best time to be in the same hallway as the Murphys, so his feet started walking faster towards the lab. He glanced up one more time, staring right into the eyes of Connor Murphy. 

Goosebumps ran down Evan’s spine and up his arms as his eyes met the  ~~ lovely ~~ chilling cold blue eyes of the long haired male. Connor gave the most horrifying death stare to Evan, but Evan couldn’t tear his eyes apart from those ~~wonderful~~ colored eyes. Their eyes split as Zoe cracked their awkward gaze thing. 

Evan quickly walked to the lab, and typed his letter. 

_ ‘Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today was a good day and here’s why: This morning Jared drove you to school _ ~~_ and he almost left you _ ~~ _ and he waited for you although you took long. Zoe talked to you after lunch  _ ~~_ warning you  _ ~~ _ talking to you _ _  about her brother _ ~~_ and how rude he is _ ~~ _ , but you cleared up the whole misunderstanding she had about your group with him.  _

_ Connor reminds me of you. Both  _ _ very  _ _ misunderstood. _

_ Sincerely, you best and only friend, _

_ Me’ _

Print.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listen to some chill K-pop/ kmb/ khipop/ k-indie music while writing this.   
> This chapter was very short, sorry! My goal for each chapter is to write up to a page of words, but it was nice leaving a cliffhanger.


	5. Chapter 5

“FUCKER!” Connor yelled opening and shutting the computer lab leaving Evan trapped inside with the “school shooter”. “You’re the freak! I’m not the  _ fucking freak _ , YOU ARE! YOU THINK THE MURPHYS ARE JUST A FUN PLAY THAT YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF AND THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING SCHOOL CAN LAUGH AT! WELL HA-HA-HA! Very  _ fucking _ funny!” Connor stomped closer and closer to Evan, Evan backing away until his back hit the wall. Connor’s cold blue eyes turning into terrifying scorching cerulean eyes, if looks could kill Evan would be dead 100 times over and over again. 

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry. I didn’t m-mean i-it l-like that! I d-didn’t m-mean any-anything a-at all. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Evan whimpered, corning himself into a small corner. Connor was full with rage, he was shaking from anger, his voice sounded like the sound of  thousand lions roaring together at once. His fingers were bunched up into fist, knuckles turning as white as the color of clouds on a sunny day, but Connor’s mood contrasted with the color of his knuckles. His personality ranged from a forest fire to a rainstorm to a sunny day in a matter of seconds, but currently he was the color of red splattered over white walls. 

The furious brunette got so close to Evan that their noses were practically touching- of course Evan’s face went a tomato red- but Connor did nothing. He bunched up the blue polo Evan wore into his fist, and his eyes scanned over the face of the petrified face of Evan Hansen. Those burning angry eyes turned into their regular cold blue eyes when he caught a glance of Evan’s cast. His name was horribly written in huge words with a jet black, matching his chipped nails, sharpie,  _ ‘CONNOR’ _ . 

_ Connor was trying to get better, but sometimes it would slip. Minor mistakes which lead to big mistakes which lead to sorrow and suicidal ideas.  _

_ Somedays, much like this one, someone would say something that would trigger Connor into making him seem like a huge ass. Connor would then need to release this negative energy into something, or someone in this case, then for the rest of the day he would be fine. Unfortunately, he released it on some poor innocent kid that just happen to looked up at the wrong time and place.  _

Now Connor was planning to let this kid go, let Evan go, and there was a huge possibility that the whole school would start chanting that Connor Murphy is a psychopath- not that they don’t already- and also hurts innocent teens who did nothing wrong. 

Connor looked around the room, spotting a paper on the printer. He released Evan, a loud sigh was let out from Evan, and the tall male walked over to get the paper. 

“Sorry dickhead,” Connor sighed picking up the paper, glancing at the top of the paper. “Guessing this is yours?” He read a few lines, hearing Evan begging Connor to stop reading, but it was too late. “Misunderstood?” Connor’s rage starting all over again, he looked at Evan with those blue eyes, his eyes meeting Evan but Evan darted his eyes away. Hansen tried to explain, but Connor tuned him out getting something from his bag, and shoving the paper into his bag. 

“Fucking ass,” Connor chuckled nodding his head, a sharpie appearing in his hands. Once again, he pulled on Evan’s arm with the cast, and wrote something.

_ ‘CONNOR: MISUNDERSTOOD’  _

He chuckled to himself, rolling up his sleeves, and shoving the sharpie to Evan. “Go ahead write something! Anything that’s not dirty you twat.”

Evan stood still and stiff for 5 seconds until Connor pulled him closer, “ _ Write _ ,” he whispered. So Evan did exactly what he was told.

_ ‘Evan: Also Misunderstood’  _

“Original,” Connor smiled gazing at the neat handwriting now written on his arm. He turned around walking towards the shut door when he heard Evan call out.

“Uh- c-can w-we w-walk t-together?” He asked, and with no hesitation he apologized for the dumb idea. 

“I mean- yea. It was a dumb idea and all, but why would you want to walk with the kid who almost punched you in your face for looking up at the wrong time?” Connor snicker. “You’re more sick than I am!” 

Evan flushed, playing with the hem of his shirt. “Because we can both pretend we’re- uh- friend. Misunderstood friends that- uh- is,” Evan cleared his voice, he was looking down at the floor. Connor Murphy was absolutely bewildered at how semi-confident Evan sounded, but his bewilderment died when Evan quickly dismissed the idea. 

“No. Let’s go,” Connor opened the door, holding it open for Evan, and he also looked a bit appalled at the sudden change.

What were they doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone recommend me music to listen while writing this.


	6. Chapter 6

“I wish I could throw off the thoughts which poison my happiness, Chopin.” 

“W-what?” Evan asked. They had been walking a silence for a few minutes now, and Connor had suddenly piped up. Evan was actually very surprised that Connor agreed to walk with him, and Evan was surprised that he even  _ offered _ Connor after Connor was trying to punch him. Evan was going to totally think about this at night.

“Isn’t our project about explaining quotes or some shit like that?” Connor asked running a hand through his brown messy hair. Evan looked at the boy in front of him. Jared had constantly made fun of this kid for no reason, and Evan knew he should do something about it but what could he do? If he spoke up Connor wouldn’t notice or care, and he would lose his only  _ “friend”. _ So he stayed back, he kept away from the light, he would get burned, made fun of, and laughed at if he stepped into the sun. He stayed in the shadows, lurking like a weirdo. This kid though, he didn’t show any emotions, unless anger, towards people. He could care less about jokes, and trying to make friends. In a way, Evan thought it was super cool. To not care about anyone or anything, it was amazing actually. 

“Oh! Uh- yeah. I uh think. I’m n-not quite sure,” Evan stuttered clearing his voice. He started to play with the hem of his shirt, he took loud deep breaths, and he breathed out quietly. Evan glanced at the brunette, who was looking forward, and just took a good look at him. He was very handsome for a “druggie”. He had a nice jawline, his long hair really shined his other features, he had beautiful electric blue eyes that could be angry or cold at any moment, and he was just so handsome. Evan snapped his eyes back to the ground. He shouldn’t have those thoughts about Connor, not about guys that is. He should think girls are pretty, and girls are… hot. But every time he thought about liking a girl, it would always be overcomed by the thought a even prettier boy. It was an odd feeling that Evan was really trying to push off. 

“So that’s our quote. ‘Kay?” The wind blew Connor’s hair back showing his ears. They were adorable elf-like ears, with a black circular stud earring, and another one on his helix. Very pretty. 

“Yeah,” Evan coughed. “I uh- like your um- uh. You’re earrings,” Evan pulled on the hem of his shirt, he was nervous. Connor stopped walking and looked at Evan, covered his right ear, and played with the little hoop earring on his helix.  

“Uh. Thanks?” Connor thanked but it sounded more like a question. 

“Don’t you need parents, um, permission or something like that?” Evan asked taking a deep breath. He was nervous around Connor, but in an odd weird way he was also… safe?

“Unless you lie to them that you’re going on a field trip and they sign a paper like idiots,” Connor nodded not letting go of his earrings, and continued walking Evan walking by his side. Evan watched as Connor played with his earrings, and noticed that Connor wore black nail polish- chipped nail polish- on all of his fingers. His ring finger had a band-aid covering most of the skin, there was a band-aid on his nail, a band-aid on the middle of his finger, and another smaller band-aid on Connor’s knuckle. There was also a few band-aids on the rest of his hands, but not as much as that one ring finger. 

“Oh,” the smaller teen of the two mumbled. He started to play with his cast, outlining Connor’s name with his non-band-aid fingers. 

“Don’t you break a bunch of bones if you fall of a tree or something? I heard some people even die when they fall of trees,” Connor spoke up, causing Evan to look up. 

“Oh! I, uh, yeah. I think. But I guess, I uh was well, I was um- I was l-lucky. I guess?” Evan stumbled out his words, scratching his forehead. 

“You guess?” Connor looked over at the anxious male, and raised a brow in confusion. “Evan. If you fall out a tree you die or you don’t. There’s no  _ ‘I guess’ _ . Unless you wanted to die, which I don’t blame. Jared fucking Klienman is your friend.” 

“He’s my uh- family friend. We’re only friends because he wants his parents to pay for his uh car insurance,” Evan rapidly spit out the last sentence. 

“Well I take back about you falling out the tree was pathetic. What you just said is the most saddest fucking pathetic I’ve ever heard,” Connor chuckled but his mouth didn’t angle upwards like when you’re happy. 

“Well yeah. Um… yeah,” Evan coughed, he scratched the back of his neck. He gave a weird small smile, and looked to his right. They were close to his home, he saw the homes starting to have wider distance from each other. “Here’s my stop. It’s over there, I’ll just cross the road and stuff. Thanks Connor for walking with me,” Evan was starting to walk away, but was pulled by his upper arm of his bad arm. 

“That’s the poor neighbor head Evan,” Connor told him metaphorically hitting Evan with an arrow. Is that what people thought about where Evan lived? Poor? Well he shouldn’t be surprised, he has heard people call this place poor, but coming from Connor was different for some random reason. Connor, not to be offensive, didn’t quite look like he was like those rich boys who were somehow popular. 

“I know! I just have to cross- an orchard to get home,” Evan half-lied. He did have to cross an orchard to get home, but he knew on the other side of that orchard was just a long road going to the rich people homes. He got lost once and ended up in those homes for the parents or people who brought in more wealthy income home.

“I’ll go with you. I live near there anyways,” Connor checked both ways for incoming cars, and cross the road. Evan ran to catch up. 

‘Y-you don’t have to! It’s easier if you follow the sidewalk we were just in. My home is far and boring, and you'll get bored and-”

“Evan. I don’t care. I’ll just walk you near your home. I won’t bring you to your front door and awkwardly say bye like a schoolgirl. Chill,” Connor sauntered towards the orchard. “How do you even pass this? There’s a fence in the way, and you can’t climb with a broken cast.” 

“There’s a hole where I can fit, and I don’t-”

“Found it. Come on. I’ll just climb the fence,” Connor interpreted Evan once again. Evan tried to make Connor stop, but there he Connor goes like a squirrel climbing a tree. It was as if it was his hobby, to climb fences. Evan went through the ‘Evan-Sized’ hole, and they both ended up on the other side of the fence. The orchard was somewhat dead, there a few regular trees planted, there was a huge field up ahead, some benches to sit, a playground somewhere to the right, a couple of canopies to have parties, and a place to hold picnics at. Evan hadn’t ever been to the orchard when it was still opened, his father promised Evan that one day they would go, but the orchard close before they could go. Then Evan’s father left. The anxious teen had walked through the opened field in the orchard many times though, when he had crazy huge panic attacks he would go to the open field with no trees- except one huge tree- and he would just lay down in the yellow long grass. It was very comforting, and could really help out Evan. 

“I use to come here as a kid,” Connor looked around and continued his sentence, “Before I turned bat-shit crazy.” Evan was surprised that Connor came to this place, Connor Murphy came  _ here _ ?!

“I- uh, always wanted to come. My dad actually promised me and everything- but um- the orchard shut down b-before we e-ever came,” Evan scratched his cast. 

“Dad’s and not keeping promises really come together huh?” Connor said, probably speaking to himself outloud, but Evan agreed. It wasn’t that Evan had anything against his dad, he actually very muched loved his dad as a child, but he just couldn’t understand why he left? Evan very much believed that it was because he couldn’t handle having a kid, but his dad has a wife and 2 kids now. Now Evan very much believes it was because Evan was such a mistake that not even his dad could handle. The two male teenagers walked until they arrived at picnic area.

“My family used to have picnics here in spring. It was kind of fun,” Connor cracked his knuckles. 

“I come here a lot actually. Now that it’s shut down that is,” Evan chuckled at his own miserable joke, and he glancd at Connor smiling! He smiled! Connor quickly return to his nonchalant version of himself though.   

“Cool,” Connor simply told Evan.

“Yeah…” Evan smiled. “Cool.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BNzMyOTM4MzgzM15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwODc3MzY2MDI@._V1_.jpg   
> I need you guys to look at that picture, and first thank Mike for that beautiful facial hair.  
> BUT THEN look at his left eye very closely, there's a brown part! It's something called Eyes Heterochromia I think that's what he has.  
> Anyways. That's just an excuse for me to look at the beauty called Mike Faist.  
> Also thank you anyone who suggested me music!


	7. Chapter 7

Connor and Evan walked for awhile until they had to part their ways, which made Connor unbelievably sad for some reason. It had been since for forever that Connor had a normal conversation with anyone, mostly someone his age. It made him feel bad for what he tried to do yesterday- but of course he failed because he couldn’t even do that correctly. The brunette just wished he had done it after school yesterday immediately, or the bay before the first day of school, that way he wouldn’t have to feel guilty about meeting Evan Hansen. 

The teenager sighed, hating himself and Evan, for having this stupid feeling in his gut. He knew that Evan didn’t fall off the tree on  _ “accident _ ’, have you seen the kid? He’s anxious, stutters a lot, says sorry too much, and when Connor brought up the topic about suicide Evan’s eyes enlarged and he quickly took the subject about Jared. If the shy, anxious, scared honey-dew haired teen tried to take his life and failed, then the two weren’t so far apart. Connor was an outcast, sentimental although it didn’t seem like it, and he got angry a bit too much, Evan and Connor both have thought about suicide so it wasn’t anything new. Evan had tried earlier and failed, Connor had tried last night but couldn’t do it. 

He promised himself yesterday he would do it tonight, but now, after talking to Evan, he didn’t want to. Yeah, so what if Evan was a prick? It was more that Connor was paranoid about people being his friends, and Evan seemed like the type of kid that would destroy Connor’s walls. A smile from Hansen would break half a wall that Connor Murphy had pent up for the past few years, and he didn’t want to see Evan’s smile all the time, but at the same time he did. It was horrible what a shy smaller boy could do to a taller pathetic male’s heart, with just a glance from Evan, Connor would break so easily. 

_ ‘Fuck. Stop thinking about him,’ _ Connor thought jumping over the fence. He lived close to the orchard, but he lived closer to the school that he wished. Evan lived pretty far away from the school than what Connor had predicted, but it was worth it since he didn’t want to be in that ugly volkswagen Zoe had. He needed time far from home, and it was nice that he actually talk to someone! 

He was trying to get better, but sometimes he knew he was such a fuck up. He almost punched Evan Hansen for looking up! I mean- what kind of person does that?! 

Connor didn’t even return Evan’s paper or whatever. The brunette looked through his bag for the paper, it was crumpled and messy now. 

_ Both  _ _ very _ _ misunderstood _ . 

Misunderstood?! How could  _ Evan _ know if the Murphy brother was misunderstood?! He barely knew him?! How could he write such a pathetic thing?!

Connor groaned, he always made assumptions. He shoved the paper back into his bag, not a great suicide letter now was it? He wouldn’t bother to write one, it took too much sentimental waste of time. 

_ ‘Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Stop making me feel like a gay piece of shit. Okay? Thanks!’ _

Connor thought, he would not  _ ever  _ write  _ that  _ on a piece of paper. 

“Where were you dipshit?!” Zoe yelled at her brother as he entered his home. He didn’t

answer, just ran up to his room. He opened the door and slammed it shut, he hated talking with his family. There was always an argument between every sentence, or one of them would make him feel like an ever worse mistake. They were always at each other’s throat, and fucking Larry would always compare Connor to Zoe. It was very fucking annoying, mostly when you try you’re best to do something but fail miserably. Connor always wondered what made him crazy, he was pretty normal as a child, but something happen.

He had read many articles were people turned mentally ill because of a traumatic past, but Connor really didn’t know what happen that was so traumatic. All he knew was that his family all hated him for some weird odd reason, and he wasn’t going to go Criminal Minds investigation on some stupid shit he didn’t care enough about. 

His room was a fucking mess. Clothes were thrown everywhere, there were opened drawers with clothes hanging out, it smelled like ass, and there were pictures and decorations thrown on the floor. He hated his room and how messy it was, but he wasn’t making an effort to clean it up. Connor shoved the clothes of his bed, and jumped into the messy blankets. He took out his phone, scrolling through Tumblr. 

Surprisingly, he had a few followers on Tumblr! Tumblr account was mostly shit-post, but occasionally he had a few  _ actually _ nice post. Mostly art related but not just drawing art but music, photography- and of his sketches- and a few other things. Connor scrolled down his own Tumblr, he had a 2; a blog about all his shitpost and another about meaningful art. He looked over at the numerous of sketchbooks he had, he had stolen some of his mom’s money to buy those shits. Most of the art was good that he was proud of, but some of them were pointless doodles. 

Connor Murphy had a few internet friends too, a few of them had serious depression and stuff, but others were semi-normal.

In his inbox appeared 2 messages from his two  _ closest  _ internet friends. They hadn’t talked in quite some time, but now they were just spamming him. Connor hadn’t replied, just read the messages. 

**SugarDadddyX3S: Fuk me**

**SugarMommmY2r: wil do redhoodietwat**

**SugarDadddyX3S: No**

**SugarDadddyX3S: I want conny to fuk me hard in my a-hole**

Connor cringed at his “friends”. They were gay, but so was himself.

**SugarFukinChildXY: Fuk u asshole**

**SugarDadddyX3S: hey!**

**SugarDadddyX3S: fukin respect your daddy hot shot**

**SugarMommmY2r: con child. Were hav u been?**

**SugarFukinChildXY: tryin to kill myself**

It wasn’t a lie, he was. They knew he was depressed and had a messed up family. They knew all about him and vice versa, so they knew he wasn’t lying about suicide.

**SugarFukinChildXY: Dont worry**

**SugarFukinChildXY: I met a boi**

Connor put down his phone and wait for the spam. Was he lying? Yeah, Evan was… decent looking, but did Connor like him? Even if he did, Evan wouldn’t like him back. 

**SugarDadddyX3S: Did u fuk him?**

**SugarDadddyX3S: Cheater**

**SugarMommmY2r: OMGHPAIFNCASJDFOHNSIOR REALLY?!??!!1/1/1/?!?!**

**SugarFukinChildXY: Eh. he’s chill? Idk. i just met him**

**SugarDadddyX3S: Fuk him**

**SugarMommmY2r: talk to him!**

His friends were so opposite from each other it was surprising, since both of them knew each other longer than Connor knew them. Connor put down his phone, he didn’t want to deal with the guilt of him trying to kill himself. Although he does have two best friends online, they are bad with dealing about depression and suicide. He never talked about it with them, but sometimes he would. Lately he’s been thinking a lot about suicide, and not just to mess with his friends. 

Connor knew he was gay, Zoe knew he was gay, but not his parents, thankfully. Liking a guy wasn’t knew, but liking Evan was. Connor tried  hard to not like anyone, romantically or not, because he would end up sad and more depressed once they left him. 

Connor also wasn’t feeling the butterflies he had once for a certain someone in 5th grade, more like pity and he’s desperate for a friend. 

Why did Connor want to be friends with a kid so messed up?

His eyes glanced at the arm with medium, organized sized words: 

_ ‘Evan: Also Misunderstood’ _

Maybe it’s because they were both  _ very _ _ misunderstood _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sugar Daddy Is Micheal from BMC  
> Sugar Mommy is Jeremey  
> It's Canon, I made it Canon.


	8. Chapter 8

“AHH!” Evan screamed jumping into his bed. His face was bright red, his hands were sweaty, and his hair had been ruffled by Connor. Evan felt his heart speed faster by 100 times, he could feel his heart wanting to get out of his chest. Everything was moving so fast, he was left dumbfounded; jaw hanging, face flushed with pink, and eyes wide and amazed. His heart was bumping so hard that it shook every other organ in his body, it felt as if he was in a racecar speeding faster every second. 

Then, as everything went fast, everything left even quicker. He was left in the field; star struck, and with his hair messy. He didn’t even bother to fix his hair, he didn’t want to. His gut felt as if it was being poked many times, he felt needles inside his belly, and… fireworks? 

Why was he feeling this way about Connor Murphy ruffling his hair, and giving him his phone number?! 

“What are you screaming about you freak?” An all too familiar voice said from the doorway. The flustered teen turned around immediately, spotting jared with cookies in his mouth and zipping up his zipper.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!” Evan screeched throwing Jared pillows from his bed, Jared dodging all but one. 

“Did you forget already?! Idiot! You’re mom gave me a key once you broke your arm to check up on you,” Jared scoffed throwing the pillows all back but with more force. “Why is your face red? Were you about to beat your meat?” 

“JARED!” Evan shrieked hiding himself behind his bed. 

“It was a joke! But why is your face red you weirdo?” 

“N-no reason. N-now g-get out my home!” Evan pushed his family friend out of his room, guiding him down the stairs and to his front door. Evan then proceeded to shove out Jared, and slam the door shut.

“HEY! EVAN OPEN THE DOOR!” Jared banged on the door repeatedly, Evan sighed spotting Jared’s stuff thrown all over the living room. He gathered them up and opened the door. “What the hell asshole?!”

“I know you’ll hate me tomorrow but I really need alone time,” Evan sighed handy Jared his stuff. “Sorry.”

Jared stood on the doorway and threw the spare keys at Evan. “ _ Fuck you Evan _ .” 

Evan stood alone, with keys in his hand. His heart dropped all the way to his feet, he hated being an ass to Jared. So what if Jared was a huge asshole who made fun of Evan at every chance he got? It didn’t mean the Hansen could be just as big as a dick as his family friend was. Gently, he shut the door and threw himself on his couch, taking a quick glance at his hand. He was so lucky that Jared didn’t make any remarks on his hand or cast. 

**‘Text me or something:’**

Was written on Evan’s hand, followed by digits which Evan presumed was Connor’s phone number. How could  _ this _ make Evan so flustered? Just a few digits made fireworks explode in the insides of the very anxious teen, he wondered what a kiss would make him feel?

**_‘A KISS!!!’_ **  Alarms sounded off inside his brain,  _ a kiss?! _

Evan groaned loudly running upstairs to his room to receive his passed down laptop. There was a few stickers placed on it from his favorite things that he loved incredibly. The laptop started, and the mouse clicked on the internet. 

He opened a new google doc, Connor had taken his letter that he printed out so he decided to re-write it anyways. 

_ ‘Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today was a good day and here’s why:   _

_ Connor Murphy, someone your previously would’ve never thought more about, gave you his phone number. It made you flustered and smile wide, and fireworks went off! But guys aren’t supposed to like the same gender, no one is supposed to, so stop thinking about it. He probably is just forced to hang out with you like Jared is forced to. Connor probably thinks nothing more of you; a pathetic boy who fell out the one thing he nerds about the most: trees. He just needs an excuse to tell his parents that he has friends, like you do every time you talk about Jared. You really are such a huge pathetic hypocrite.  _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Me’ _

He knew he wasn’t going to print it out, but it was his way to vent about his day. A loud sigh was let out, and the laptop was closed. He took out his old phone, two messages from Jared were unseen from the Message thing that was free. He didn’t bother to check the messages, and instead decided to add a contact. 

He was wondering if he should add a code name, just in case Jared took his phone, but went against it instead. 

After a few minutes he decided to text Connor. 

**HansenChild: Waddup?**

**HansenChild: I’m sorry that was weird.**

Evan took a deep breath and set down his phone, he really wasn’t expecting Connor to text back. So, with his phone, he went downstairs and looked through the refrigerator. Nothing good except some rotten food and barely anything was present in the fridge. Then he felt a buzz. His face lit up and he reached ran towards the couch, where he threw his phone, and opened the message.

**Conner: Yo. It’s good.**

Conn _ e _ r? There’s an e?!

**HansenChild: Hi.**

**HansenChild: You spell your name Conner?**

**Conner: No. I hate when people do it, but it’s supposed to be ironic.**

**HansenChild: Oh ok!**

**HansenChild: Cool!**

He sighed and smiled. Connor Murphy was nice, just misunderstood. They were similar in one way.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> Self Harm and Depression.

The rest of the week Connor didn’t attend school. He made himself believe it was because he was too tired, but he knew he was lying. Deep down inside he knew that the sole reason of him skipping the rest of the 3 days of the first week of school was because he couldn’t face Evan Hansen. He didn’t know what it was, he just couldn’t see him. Everytime his eyes would fall on the sandy haired kid, he would feel this huge sensation of guilt and he hated it. He hated feeling as if it was  _ his _ fault for trying to kill himself. He didn’t know whose fault it was, but it couldn’t be his fault to feel as if he’s going absolutely nowhere in life. It couldn’t be  _ his _ fault for feeling like a waste of time, a waste of fresh air, the white crayon in a box of different colored crayons, a mechanical pencil in the sea of regular pencils, he was the black sheep in the herd of white sheep, he was the person that couldn’t find his last puzzle piece while everybody else did. And because of how odd and weird he was, he could never be satisfied, he could never be normal, he could never be… happy.  

Connor didn’t go the 3 days of the next week either, he just couldn’t face his problem. Because he couldn’t face his problem, he spent the week sobbing about how weak he was. He hated himself, his looks, his personality, his family, his actions, his words, his thoughts, his ideas. He hated that he was alive, and he hated that he couldn’t take his own miserable life. 

Connor ended up with fresh red lines on his wrist, but as he made those blood lines he felt more guilt. The lines were deep like the ocean, and the blood was leaving his wrist so much that it could make a river of Connor Murphy’s blood. He wrapped bandages around his whole forearm, and he added a new band-aid on his right hand’s index finger on the bottom part. He had so many band-aids on his fingers from accidentally cutting himself from the razors, he should get some sort of an award from the World’s  _ ‘Most Person with band-aid on fingers!’ _ . Even if he did get an award for it, somebody else would claim it because Connor can't even do that right. 

When Thursday of the second week of school rolled along, he was forced to actually go to school. He yearned to stay in his bed forever, but he knew that he would have to stay with his mom the whole day if he didn't go to school. He got up from bed missing the warmth of his sheets, grabbed a random sweater to cover his wrist, pulled up week old skinny jeans, and stared into the mirror for a while. 

He looks like a corpse. 

Zoe’s voice shouting out Connor’s name interrupted his daily morning self loathing. He trudge down the stairs, settling on the only chair left at the dining table. With a loud thump, he sat down.

A beat of silence came and went, Larry interrupting the “amazing” morning Connor was having.

“Connor why didn't you go school for the past few days?” 

Connor tried to ignore his father, staring intensely at his bowl of cereal as if it was going to stand up and save Connor from his misery. Unfortunately it didn't. 

“Connor felt… tired,” Cynthia speaking up Connor, which was not far from the truth. 

“Cynthia he's 18 he can speak for himself. Stop babying him,” Larry grunted, Connor wished he could disappear into the sea of milk swimming with Frosted Flakes. “Connor why did you stay home for the past few days? You have school to go to, this isn't charity work!”

Connor glanced at Zoe, calmly eating her cereal acting as if she knew a fight wasn't coming along.

Connor stood up, his small family staring at him, and he left. He couldn't deal with an argument, he just needed some time alone before he went to school. He had 30 minutes left before he was forced to go to the prison called, “School”. 

Snatching the messenger bag, he left out the door hearing Larry scream like a maniac. 

30 Minutes of freedom, what to do with them? 

Orchard.

He walked for 10 minutes to orchard, and sat in an open field. His back leaned against a tree trunk, he placed his bag next to him and opened it. He couldn't use the razors in his bag unless he wanted his new bandages bloody, but whatever. He digged through his bag, but not finding anything. A paper fell out of his bag, he groaned in response reaching over to snatch it.

Evan’s letter.

He didn't know why he decided to keep it, but he did. Misunderstood. Is that what Evan saw him as? A fucked up child who is just thrown names by society because he's different? Connor knew even if he was normal, he could never satisfy anyone in anyway because no one would love him either way.

_ ‘Fuck,’ _ Connor thought getting back on task. He had 3 minutes to cut, another 2 to clean up, and the last 15 minutes to walk to school. He already wasted a minute, so he started scavenging for the razors. 

_ Where are they?!  _ He panicked a bit, wondering if he put them in his bag, and finally he found them! He rolled up his sleeves, the bandages from 2 days ago barely white, and unwrapped the fainted white bandages. The lines were red and bloody, he didn't care much about if they got infected. He had 3 large lines on his left wrist, and 4 on his right, smaller ones on both of them. 

Taking a deep breath, he cut hard into his wrist. Small wet tears clustered up at Connor’s eyes, he let out a sharp breath and tried not to cry, he failed. After a few more cuts, and hoping that Evan would find him, he threw the razor across from him. His arms fell beside him, his phone was laid next to Connor’s right hand, it vibrated and the screen lit up. 

**[Zoe: I’m leaving you]**

**[Zoe: Asshole]**

Connor looked to his left, trees surrounding his view, and tears making everything distorted. Why did he have to be such a mess up? Zoe, his sister that he loved very much, hated him so  _ fucking much _ . Connor wished Zoe and him were closer, but all the threats, the screaming that kept her up at night, the arguments, the banging on her door weren’t going to get him closer to Zoe. She had a reason to hate him, and Connor hated himself for being such a cunt to his dear lovely sister, Zoe Murphy. He wished to go back to the times when they would get along, before Connor was such a fucking bitch who turned to drugs because he wasn’t  _ never _ satisfied.

Connor glanced at his scars on his wrist, blood falling out very smooth and calm like. 

He fucking hated himself.

He wished he could die at this instant.

He wants to die at this instant.

Wet, hot, big tears fell down to his arms mixing with the blood. More followed, and even more, so many tears fell that soon they would wipe off the blood from his arms. 

The blue eyes looked at the paper hanging from his bag, Evan’s letter. Slowly, Connor took a sharpie from his bag, and turned the paper to the other side.

_ ‘Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today was a fuking bad day but you dont see me complaining. I may act like I dont care, but I fucking care. I care a lot. I care about stupid shit like my sister Zoe, the precious child that my parents should only have, or the insults Jared fucking Klienman throws at me.  _

_ I hope i die soon. _

_ I hope i kill myself properly this time. _

_ I hope someone can stab a knife into my guts repedtlyt because i hate being the black sheep the fucking larry hates.  _

_ Mom was right, I am a messed up fucking child. _

_ Sincerly, a misunderstoof pretnd fren, _

_ Me’  _

Connor cried. He cried so much that he wouldn’t- he  _ couldn’t _ \- stop crying. He hadn’t cried in so long, he hadn’t had a hug in so long, he hadn’t fell in love in so long, he hadn’t had someone to care about him in so long. 

“DEAR EVAN HANSEN!” Connor yelled breathing in hard, crying out even harder. “I’M SORRY I’M A BAD PRETEND FRIEND! I’M SORRY WE COULDN’T BE REAL FRIENDS! I WISH WE WERE FRIENDS!” 

He wished he died.

He wished Evan hadn’t heard what he just screamed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're depressed or feel suicidal call 1-800-273-8255 for help! Please! You are important in this world even if you think you aren't.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had this done yesterday, but I wanted to make you guys suffer. (Muahahha Ψ(｀▽´)Ψ )

The most emotional experience Evan Hansen had in his life was when his father left when he was a child, he believed that nothing could ever top that, but what he was seeing at this instant topped that.

Connor Murphy, the druggie, leaning against a tree trunk with blood spilling out of his wrist, bandages to his left, and screaming about Evan. He spotted a sharpie and a paper to his left, and across from him was a razor with blood. 

Evan dropped his backpack and ran to Connor. The sandy-haired teen was panicking, but he had to help Connor first. 

“Connor!?” 

The brunette looked at Evan, his eyes puffy and red from crying, his skin was pale, huge eyebags hung very clearly on his face. Connor sobbed in response. Evan stuffed Connor’s phone, sharpie, and paper into his bag glancing at the first three words written in sharpie. He didn’t have to react before putting on Connor’s bag. Evan decided against touching Connor’s used bandages, and tried to helped Connor up. The long haired teen’s leg were wobble that he fell on Evan, both teens were almost about to go down but Evan didn’t trip this time. Connor was heavy, but light enough so Evan could semi-carry him. Evan glanced at his backpack that he threw, and reached to grab it. They were going to Evan’s home. 

After a few minutes, and struggling, Connor was on Evan’s bedroom somehow. Connor laid on Evan’s blue bed sheets, his arms spread out and both of their backpacks were on Evan’s floor. He quickly texted his mom that he wasn’t going to school because he felt sick, and he might go later but that was a slim chance. Once he finished texting, he ran to the bathroom and pulled out some necessities for blood. 

Evan cleaned up the wounds on Connor’s wrist, a wince came from Connor, he then applied an antibiotic cream on top of Connor’s cuts, and wrapped brand new bandages around his wrist. 

“You know I don’t care if they get infected?” Connor’s voice was very slow and laid back. 

“Well I do,” Evan never knew he was so confident. He stood up from the floor, and patted off the dust from his khakis. “Now rest.” 

Connor grabbed Evan’s hand before he left out the door, Evan blushed as his soft hand touched Connor’s band-aid hands. 

“Why did you help me? You should’ve let me die,” Connor stood up sitting on the bed leaning against Evan’s pillows, his hand still holding onto Hansen’s. 

“Well I c-could um,” Evan cleared his throat, did Connor also feel Evan’s sweaty hand? “I j-just wanted t-to help you. Now sleep! If y-you n-need me just call me!” 

Evan left out the door, not closing it, and headed downstairs. He looked at Connor’s bag, remembering the paper. He shouldn’t, but it was for him right? He headed towards the kitchen instead, and decided to prepare some potato soup. He used to make it a lot when his mom and him were sick, and now he’s a boss at it. 

He finished the soup, and sat on his couch. It was early morning, and he knew that time would pass slowly. He spent the next two hours on his phone scrolling through whatever the internet lead him to. At this point, Evan settled on checking up on Connor Murphy. His legs brought him up the stairs, and in front of his doorway. 

Connor’s hands were on his chest, moving up and down slowly, he was laying straight, but then sat at the edge of the bed. He looked up to see Evan standing in the doorway.

“How long have you been standing there?” He spoke first startling Evan, a blush landing on his face.

“I-I uh just came to um check o-on you! I c-can leave if you want! I m-mean-”

“Come ‘ere,” The soothing voice of the Murphy brother spoke. He patted on the spot next to him, Evan obeying the commands. From out of nowhere, Connor pinned Evan on his bed. Bad, naughty gross thoughts came into Evan’s mind, his blush turning a deeper red. 

“Did you read the letter?” Connor asked.

“Th-the what?” Evan gasped his face was a mixture of confused, nervous-ness, and blushing madly. 

They stayed like that, Connor on top of Evan while holding his arms to Evan’s sides, until Connor let go.

“I need to use the restroom,” Connor stated standing up. Evan stood up sitting on the edge of his bed, and told Connor where his bathroom was, Connor zipped off leaving Evan alone. A second past before Evan fell back on his bed smiling widely and goofy like. 

Oh gosh.

He felt like his stomach was gonna explode from what just happen. Connor was the most prettiest, cutest, adorablest, lovely, handsome, good-looking boy that Evan Hansen has ever met in his life. 

He was so attractive. His bags adorning his blue eyes up, little cuts on his red luscious lips, his brown long hair swishing so elegantly, he was the modern day- boy version of Snow White with a depressing twist. Connor could just look in Evan’s direction, and Evan would immediately die of love. Evan knew he shouldn’t be thinking about a boy this way, mostly after he found him bleeding out from his wrist, but maybe he could this time. 

Connor came out the bathroom, walking past Evan’s room, and heading downstairs. Evan ran to catch up, and he looked at Connor. A large blushy smile appearing on Evan’s face, his eyes squinting up and his teeth showing. He couldn’t see much, since his were squinting happily, but he could barely see Connor do a very small smile. It wasn’t much a smile, his face was more relaxed, the corners of his mouth were angled up, and his eyelids were drooped. 

He was very beautiful. Connor was very beautiful.

“I uh- m-made p-potato soup! I uh um, think i-it’s c-cold n-now!” Evan’s voice cracked near the end causing a light chuckle come from Connor. 

“Cool,” both boys arrived at the bottom of the stairs, and Evan lead the other male to the kitchen. 

“Do you want me to heat up the soup?” Evan asked stumbling over his words getting a nod from the brunette. The fire underneath the soup lit up, and Evan took a seat at the dining table across from Connor. 

“Do you want me to get you some clothes?” Evan asked when he saw the blood on the black sleeves of Connor’s hoodie. 

“Sure. Can I get my stuff?” Connor asked Evan, and the honey-dew haired male showed the taller male his stuff. Evan ran up the stairs, he was getting lots of exercise on this specific day running up and down the stairs, then he proceeded to look for some clothes. He searched through a cabinet in his dresser which held clothes that were way too big. He had several aunts from his mom’s side that showered him in clothes once every 4th christmases, it was like a leap year for him, but since they never talked to him they gave him 10 sizes to big. He had plenty of clothes that were colorful, but nothing very  _ Connor _ -like. 

In the end, he chose 2 outfits that had the darkest hues. 

The first outfit was a dark burgundy pullover hoodie, with some black skinny jeans that one of his aunts thought he liked. He has an aunt that very much thinks that Evan is very punk rock-ish, but he isn’t believe it or not. 

The next outfit was a lot more brighter than the other one.

It was a bright bubblegum pink sweater with the cursive words  _ ‘Vulgar’ _ on it, a Gorillaz Band Sweater that Jared gave him months ago even though he didn’t really listen to the band. There was another pair of skinny jeans but they were ripped in their knees. 

He hoped Connor would like one of them.

Once he arrived back at the kitchen, he saw Connor putting a spoonful of soup into his mouth as he scrolled through his phone.

Evan cleared his throat, Connor gently placed down his phone and gazed at Evan, a smile appearing out of nowhere.

“I got uh two  _ totally _ different outfits, and here! Sorry,” Evan handed out his hands with the folded clothes.

“Pink and burgundy. Girly outfits Hansen, is that what how you attract females?” Connor received the clothes. 

“NO! I-I mean um, I d-don’t e-even w-where those b-because they’re t-too big! A-and e-even if they  _ did _ fit me, I d-don’t e-even  _ know _ if I like girls or whatever,” A beat of awkward silence passed. “I MEAN I DO LIKE GIRLS!!! B-but guys are attractive too! Nevermind. Sorry.”

“No no I understand! I um, think guys are more handsome than girls,” Connor mumbled the last few words. Awkward silence filled the air, then both boys talked at the same time, but Evan talked first.

“Do you want to watch a movie after you finish eating and changing because Jared was going to come to my house after school today because he was going to check up on my new cast, not that he is my babysitter or anything because I’m like 3 months older than him, but I don’t think he will come after we had a fight yesterday plus he doesn’t have the spare key anymore. Sorry” Evan rapidly spat out his words like a machine gun and then slowed at the end. 

“Yeah!” Connor smiled his weird beautiful smile. 

“Cool!” Evan showed his teeth in a smile. 

So they did just that. Connor finished his food, changed ( he picked the pink sweater one), and joined Evan on the couch pillows away. Who knew Connor Murphy could look so  _hot_ in pink, it's the perfect contrast from the dark clothes. His sleeves were pulled up a bit farther up from his forearm, so you could see the white bandages around his wrist. Evan's name poked out from the bandages, when he wrote that he was misunderstood too. It perplexed Evan how he didn't notice the cuts on Murphy's wrist before, but now he was surprised how muscular Connor's arm looked. 

“Ever watch Pitch Perfect?” Evan asked Connor quickly apologizing for interrupting Connor’s suggestion.

“Stop saying sorry all the time. It’s cute but kind of annoying too. And no I haven’t watched it, Zoe has. It sucks.”

Evan gasped loudly, a blush spreading into his face when Connor called him cute, and he clicked a few buttons on the amazon fire stick, Pitch Perfect popped up.

“Have you ever _even_ watched the movie?!” 

“No…” Connor smirked.

“Well I had the longest crush on Beca when I was a smol child, and Benji needs to be protected the lovely bean child. I love him platonically. This’ll be my 5th time watching the movie, and after trees, I love Pitch Perfect! You know the third movie is coming out next December!” Evan breathed in after talking the long sentence. He apologized, but Connor hushed him.

“If you say sorry one more time I won’t watch the movie,” Connor threatened. Evan obeyed and smiled. 

Maybe liking a guy, especially Connor Murphy, wasn’t so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pitch Perfect 3 is coming out THIS December and I'm Sh00keth™   
> If I was a guy I'd totally love to have a crush on Beca (¬‿¬), but I'm female and straight. Surry guys. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Have A Nice Day Children ~(˘▾˘~)~(˘▾˘~)~(˘▾˘~)~(˘▾˘~)~(˘▾˘~)~(˘▾˘~)~(˘▾˘~)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to stay at my Aunt's house for a bit until I move with my family so I may not post daily. Sorry!

The movie ended, Connor ended up loving Pitch Perfect. He had a full on hour-conversation with Evan Hansen that Donald was really hot, and that Beca wasn’t  _ that _ hot. Evan had said something that triggered Connor, but his stumbling over words to apologize made Connor laugh. Not only was Evan’s apologizing every 5 seconds for anything, but he blushed  _ a lot _ when Connor laughed, or smiled, or looked in his direction (and it was a bonus for the low-standards that Connor had because everything Evan did was adorable.) That didn’t mean that Connor liked Evan, oh no no no no. He just thought that some things Evan did was kind of really cute and sweet, he was so innocent too which was a plus. 

Do you have that feeling when you think someone is like really flippin beautiful, but you don’t like them  _ romantically _ ? Well that’s what Connor feels towards the adorable teen, Evan Hansen. 

“Um Connor?” Evan spoke up from the few minutes of comfortable silence while Connor scrolled through Tumblr. He was talking with his internet friends about his day so far, except the morning, and then Evan’s cute voice spoke up. 

“Yeah?” Connor straightened his posture, he was closer to Evan than he predicted. Like, 10 inches closer than when they originally started at 12 inches apart. 

“Um, do you want to-” Evan cleared his throat and began to talk again but Connor said no. They both knew what Evan wanted to say, but Connor really just didn’t want to talk about it. 

A beat of silence passed, then Connor spoke.

“Evan are you gay?” 

It startled Evan, and Connor didn’t really know why he said that. The sandy haired teen didn’t exactly seem like a homosexual, but nor did he seem extremely straight. It was all odd, but Evan’s reaction really paid off.

“What?! I mean I think girls are pretty and all, I had a crush on um one, but guys are handsome too. I really like guys though, BUT ALSO GIRLS! I don’t know?!!?! Are you?” Evan spoke fast, his breathing getting heavy, and his voice cracking multiple times.

Connor became uncomfortable, should he tell him? He was friends with Jared “Fucking” Kleinman, and Jared “Fucking” Kleinman was a stuck-up back-stabbing motherfucking bitch. But who can blame him?

“Eh,” The brunette shrugged taking out his phone. He glanced at Evan’s red hot face, he should probably give him a longer answer since Evan pretty much admitted he was bisexual. He got closer to Evan to hear heavy breathing, a panic attack was in the works. Connor mentally hated himself for being such an ass, so he decided to at least help Evan through his panic attack. 

Connor didn’t really know much about panic attacks, or anxiety attacks, but he’s pretty sure he has had some in his life. He knew one thing about them though, some people during panic attacks enjoy being hugged or touched, and others (like Connor) hated it. 

Connor pulled on Evan’s casted arm a bit too hard, earning an ouch from Evan, and having Connor being wrapped around Evan.

This is how the situation was currently: Evan was practically on Connor’s lap, his arms wrapped around Evan’s waist, and Evan’s hands  _ way _ too close to Connor’s  zipper … 

Both boys were blushing messes.

So Connor fixed everything before it became awkward. Evan’s hands were know entangled with Connor’s, Connor’s arms still wrapped around Evan’s chubby lil’ waist, and Evan was even more embarrassed.

“Sorry,” Connor giggled into Evan’s neck poking on his cute belly. Evan giggled a bit when Connor poked his stomach, apparently Evan was ticklish. “You okay?” Connor asked after Evan’s breathing became normal. A nod came from Hansen, and a smile did too. 

Their eyes connect, they came closer, what was Connor doing?! Sure Evan was pretty, saved his life kind of, and sure, Evan did make Connor blush from time to time. How was Connor Murphy never noticed that Evan’s lips looked light pink and just so…  _ kissable? _

They were leaning closer and heard the knob move. Once, twice. Suddenly the door blew open, and there appeared Jared Kleinman. 

“What kind of fucked up orgy am I looking at?” He quickly made a remark. Evan didn’t move, probably out of shock, Connor hated Jared so he did move. He snatched his bag, check the time, rolled down his sleeves, and glared at Kleinman. 

“The depressed faggot and the confused bisexual having some kinky type of sex on the couch! Golly gee! Wait until the school hears about this!” Jared snorted, Connor on the edge of punching him.

“JARED NO!” Evan ran towards the door, tripping on his feet. “We- we weren’t having or doing an orgy! That's weird and you know that!  I was having a panic attack, he was just helping me threw it! He has done more nice things than you have i-in a-all the y-years of my life!” Evan screeched. Jared’s face turning red, and Evan appearing next to Connor. 

“Nice sweater Connor,” Jared spat. 

“Thanks. I love Gorillaz and pink you asshat!” Connor’s straight nonchalant face didn’t change.

“Are you guys dating of some sort?!” Jared, obviously made at Evan’s remark.

Connor, trying to get Jared even more angry, wrapped his hand around Evan and pulled him in. Maybe it would get Jared jealous or angry, or just spread gossip, but oh boy did get his face red. Connor turned his whole body towards Evan, reeling him in, and just like before they were leaning in, their foreheads touching. Jared gasped, about to say something, but Connor slammed the door shut. 

Their positions didn’t change, Evan’s face still red, his eyes wide, and lips chapped. Connor liked his lips, and came oh so close! 

Instead, he hugged Evan Hansen. His arms wrapped around Evan’s waist, his chin rested on Evan’s head- a drastic height difference-, and his eyes closed. He felt Evan’s arms wrap around Connor’s neck. It was more like an embrace than a friendly hug. 

Connor’s first hug in  _ years  _ was from Evan Hansen, a short, chubby, cute, anxious, broken-left-hand, was hugging the miserable, depressed, emo, gay, suicidal teen.

This was Tumblr rant post/ art post worthy material, but for now he was enjoying the hug. 


	12. Chapter 12

Friday rolled along, Jared was angry at Evan, and Connor went to school. Both boys walked to school together, Connor staying over last night, and heading on their way to school.  
They hadn't talked about Evan finding Connor with his wrist slit open, nor were they planning to anytime soon. Last night Connor slept over at Evan’s house, claiming his bed, and scrolling through his phone. Evan slept on the couch very quickly, waking up to see Connor on the other couch scrolling through his phone. It was a miracle that the boy didn't need glasses with his eyes glued to the small electric screen. What was he scrolling through anyways?  
After Jared got the door slammed on his face, Evan logged onto IM and asked what Jared was even doing at his home? This morning he received a text from Jared explaining that he had forgotten his extra pair of glasses there, and that the door wasn't locked. He then received two other messages from Jared telling Evan to fuck off. Great.  
Hiedi, Evan’s mom, had been home at midnight last night, and Evan didn't tell his mom that Connor slept over. When Connor was scrolling on the couch at 5 in the morning, Evan immediately got ready and rushed Connor out the house knowing his mom would wake up and want an explanation.  
Minutes passed as silenced strung them together, and then the string of silence broke as Evan spoke.  
“So uh- what's your favorite color?” He asked. A very basic question, but Evan isn't great at conversations.  
“Black I guess? I wear it the most,” Connor put his phone in his pocket not caring that 20 unread messages from Zoe were there.  
“Oh. I um like blue!” Evan stated though it sounded more like a question then a statement. His hands rushed to mess with the hem of his polo, and Connor noticing the habit but not pointing it out.  
“Do you, um, draw?” Evan coughed into his arm.  
Connor eyed him, but responded either way. “Sometimes.”  
A nod came from Evan Hansen.  
“Why?”  
Evan's eyes snapped up from his shoes to Connor Murphy, “W-what do you m-mean w-why?!”  
“Do I look like the type of person to draw? Or are you just assuming like everyone else does?! Fuck you Evan! I thought you were different!” Connor breathed out hard, stopping their walk.  
“N-NO! Sorry! It's just that uh um- I th-think you o-own a tumblr blog?” Evan eyes were huge compared to the rest of his face. Connor’s face wasn't easy to read, ever, but right now it was a mixture of anger and confusion.  
“I- okay…” His voice trailed off as he walked away from Evan, the anxious teen running to catch up.  
“You draw good! If you are the tumblr user I'm thinking about, but either if you weren't, I still think you would draw great!” Evan smiled to Connor, Connor not tearing his eyes apart off the sidewalk.  
“You haven't even seen my drawings,” He mumbled walking faster, Evan fumbled with his shirt trying to think of something to say.  
“Well… can I?” He suggested looking up at Connor’s eyes, blue with a bit of brown in his left eye. Connor breathed in, and walked on, Evan following not bringing it up again.  
When they arrived at school, Evan stopped Connor before walking away.  
“Hey, uh, promise to stay the whole school day? So w-we can w-walk home together and stuff? Sorry,” Evan rubbed his arm and walked away thinking that the idea was stupid anyways. Connor grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.  
“Yeah. Maybe I'll let you see my drawings or whatever,” The brunette shrugged walking away, leaving Evan smiling.


	13. Chapter 13

School, for Connor Murphy, was the reason people hated working. You grow up have people telling you that you need to go to college to have a good life, so you go to college, you're in debt, get a bad job that you usually isn't even close to your degree, and you hate waking up to work. Maybe sometimes a person would get lucky, they'd hit a milestone in their life, or they'd go to college and use the damn degree. Connor knew that if he dropped out of school, he couldn't go to college- which he didn't care about because it was stupid- but he wanted to prove he wasn't as fucking stupid as everyone believed he was.   
For the last 3 years of highschool life, Connor wasn't pestered by his teachers if he was doing the following:  
Failing the class  
Getting bad grades  
Not doing the work  
Although Connor wouldn't do the assignments almost always, he still got good enough grades for him to smile at an accomplishment.   
That's why he absolutely fucking hated the project that English had assigned to everybody, it was a miserable excuse of teachers trying to make people be friendlier to one another. You can go the whole year with one person not talking to another, but the motherfucking bastards called “Teachers” are too idiotic to see that, that's why “collaboration” is counted as a fucking grade. But this project was pulling on Connor’s rubber bands! He had to work with someone, he had to be that someone’s friend, and he had go to that someone’s house(or anywhere with them) to do it. You couldn't do at it school because “...students need to get comfortable with one each other and see their flaws and mistakes. Not everyone is perfect and our teens need to realize that, that's why they will visit each other homes (preferably the park), or somewhere else to meet up and discuss the project.”   
How dumb did adults think teenagers were?! If teens are allowed to drive a car, and are allowed to drive them fucking selves insane, then they know people are fucking perfect.   
Maybe the reason the school even made the project was to watch all the kids in the High school suffer for one. Last. Year. Or maybe it was those snotty spoiled brats that walk around as if they own the hellhole learning center for teenagers.   
According to Mr.Fuckface in English Class, they had already started the project Wednesday, all they did was read about the person who said the quote. Evan had taken so many notes on Chopin, he could probably write an entire biography about the guy! Connor, without a care in the world, tried to sleep but Evan sitting right near him made goosebumps go up his spine for some reason. So instead he played with the white bandages wrapped around his wrist, he didn't care if people saw how depressed he was. The white was too… white in a way that Connor couldn't stand more than five seconds looking at it or it'll burn his eyes. So he doodled all over the bandage on his left arm, and decided that for the right arm he would add some stickers or something.   
Once class ended, he was the first one to run out needing the smoke of weed in his lungs to fill his needs. Then that reminder of Evan came into his head, and he was so conflicted on what to do. He promised Evan, and Evan wasn't an ass hat like Jared was, Evan understood, Evan cared, Evan wasn't like the rest. Unlike the rest, Evan Hansen could know why- without Connor telling him- Connor cut those small cuts deep into his wrist. Unlike the rest, Evan helped Connor once he saw him without hesitation. Unlike the rest, Evan let Connor borrow his clothes, sleep over, and even hug him.  
Connor regretted the hug. He absolutely hated that he hugged him in that moment, it was just to tease Jared, but the hug wasn't necessary. It was fake, it was one that his mother gave him numerous of times when he was in middle school.   
Connor bit his bottom lip a bit too hard, a bit of blood gushing out. The bell was going to go off soon, and the halls were starting to clear.  
Fuck it.   
The September breeze smacked Connor in his face, who knew that early September would be so hot. He could feel his face melt, so he tied his hair up. No one was gonna see him with his hair up so it was okay for him to do so. He looked around the school, deciding to go to the wawa nearby. Technically, Connor was 18 already so if anyone asked he would say he was 18 and graduated. He didn't even look as young as the other seniors in his school, he looked like a college student that stayed up 3 all-nighters in a row.   
Once Connor got to the entrance of the WaWa, he settled on not going in instead. He would go to a 7/11 30 minutes away with better slushies, snacks, and employees than a Wawa with a bunch of young adults that didn't get a scholarship to a college or university.   
His feet carried him to the 7/11 without him really knowing the directions well. He had been to the small store a few times- mostly to get drugs from his dealer- but never to buy a bag full of stuff for him. As he walked down, he searched for the weed he always had in his bag.   
Connor worried as he struggled to find it. Where the hell was it?! He wondered stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to look for it. Then he remember all the sudden, he had replaced the weed for the razors in hope that the razors would kill him. Connor had thrown the razors away before Evan had gotten up, and now he was regretting it.   
A loud groan came from Connor, and he continued to walk to the store in order for him to distract his brain.   
He had never really walked south from the school before, always north to smoke in a secluded area. All of this scenery was new; the trees, the stores, the homes, everything. It was kind of surprising that he had never seen this part of the small- well now surprisingly big- town that he lived in all his life.   
As more stores became scarce, and more homes were seen, a 7/11 appeared from out of nowhere.   
Connor quickly grabbed a few foods. A red slushy, bags of chips, a small ice cream, and gum. He went up to the counter, searched for money and finding $20 in his bag, paid and left with the change.   
Now where was he gonna go? In school currently, they were one period before lunch, maybe Connor could go back and eat with Evan? No, Evan would think he’s weird for going back to school just so Connor could eat.   
Instead, Connor sat on a bench in a small park across from the 7/11. He took out the ice cream, with a plastic black spoon, and starting eating it. Yeah, it was kind of weird( A long-haired teenage boy who screamed out “EDGY” eating ice cream as if he didn't have a care in the world-but he did- and a slight smile on his face), but Connor could care less what people thought about him. There wasn't anybody here except some people walking by.  
Connor smiled at himself for no reason in particular. It was a nice day for ice cream and drawing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a filler-in chapter, but it ended up not being it, but then it did again.   
> No wifi, and people working all around me. Moving sucks. Life sucks in total I guess.  
> Most of this chapters will be small and filler-in 'cause I'm surrounded by my family.


	14. Chapter 14

Evan fumbled with his pencil, tapping it against the desk over and over again. The pencil kept slipping from his sweaty gross hands, and his breaths became longer as the clock ticked.   
4 more minutes until the last bell rings signaling that the school day ends.   
Evan had seen Connor leave the building, but then Zoe bumped into Evan. Zoe Murphy, Evan’s long time crush, had touched shoulders with him! Maybe it was meant to be for them to be together! No, of course not! Evan Hansen is anxious and sweaty and gross, while Zoe Murphy is… perfect and beautiful. She's the definition of art, talent, and grace. Zoe Murphy is the reason why people are straight, because how pretty and nice she is. Her smile lights up the room, and her laugh gives you goosebumps because of its amazingness. The sweet fragrance of strawberries comes from the sweet girl, Zoe. Evan was jealous of the guys who can talk to her without stuttering. Even if Evan Hansen wasn't an anxious mess and didn't stutter, he still believed that around Zoe he was still be weird. Zoe Murphy, the girl who can make any bad day a great day just by living.   
She was the reason Evan smiled once a day, but she was also the reason why Connor left out of Evan’s sight.   
She was also the reason why Evan had a short panic attack for two reasons:  
He bumped into her causing everyone to watch as a loser bumped into a goddess.  
He bumped into her, physically contact!  
Now, at the end of the day, Evan hoped that Connor would be there. Standing somewhere far, but noticeable for Evan to see him. Connor would stand picking his black nail polish or scrolling through his phone, Connor breathing in looking at the side -his jaw line showing very much- and breathing out, Connor’s small odd smile forming when he saw Evan. Then they would walk out together, laughing about some stupid thing Connor saw when he left school. Evan hoped Connor would be there, Connor waiting for Evan as if they were best friends forever.   
Evan didn't notice when the bell rang, alerting him and others that they could leave. The teacher, being her teacher self, stopped the class with the regular “the bell doesn't dismiss you I do” earning a loud groan from all of the seniors present in the small classroom. While students packed their things into their binders, the teacher explained about the homework and blah blah blah.   
After the teacher finally let the students go, Evan was the 5th one to leave. He raced to his locker with high hopes that Connor Murphy would be waiting for Evan in the computer lab. Once Evan collected the necessities from his locker, he quickly walked to the computer lab, luckily not bumping in into anyone. Then Jared appeared in front of him.   
“Where the bloody hell have you been?! Are you trying to avoid me?!” Jared’s facial expression clearly told he was furious with Evan. “Are you making out with the Murphy Brother?! Jeez Evan! I thought you only liked the girl, not the brother too!”   
“I-I d-don't l-like C-Connor! We were just -- hanging o-out!” Evan fumbled with his backpack straps, why couldn't Jared leave him be?!   
“Look, my mom thinks I'm trying to ditch you or some shit, come over my house and we'll play Mario cart.” Jared said walking away with a digh. Evan cursed himself for not telling his family friend no. What was so hard about saying no?! It was as if Evan was scared of it- which he isn't scared of some dumb word by the way-, yet Evan could never tell Jared no. Maybe Evan was cursed as a child that he can't say no or he’ll die of embarrassment. Yeah, that was a reasonable explanation.  
He arrived at the doorway of the lab, and looked in to see two girls. He didn't really notice, or care, how they looked since they weren't Connor, but he did notice that both girls had small black cases. Evan had seen those cases before, and figured out that they probably played flute in band. Evan quietly entered the room, going near the printer and starting to type out his letter. He could feel the girls’ eyes staring at him as he typed every letter, so he shut his laptop and settled on doing it once he got home. As he was about to leave he saw Zoe Murphy enter the room.  
Maybe it was just Evan, but the room became lighter, trumpets were sounding off, and a red carpet was made just for Zoe Murphy. It was probably just Evan.   
Then, the goddess of the school started to approach the loser of the school. Her hair swayed this way and that way, her blue eyes weren't as blue as Connor’s were but they were still pretty, and her pink nail polished hand put her hair behind her ear. She was all that and a bag of chips!  
“Hey I just wanted to say sorry for bumping into you this morning,” Zoe spoke with her sweet nice voice hitting Evan with darts on his heart, but each one missing a bit.   
“Oh. O-OH! N-nononono I-its m-my f-fault I uh wasn't watching were I uh was uh going, and uh then you were there! And uh sorry, uh sorry,” Evan messed up his shirt more than it already was.   
“Actually can I um-uh ask y-you a question?” Evan stepped closer to her beauty and grace. “D-does y-your b-brother uh usually um uh d-ditch school?” Zoe’s pretty smile dropped to a frown at the mentioning of her brother.  
“Connor?”   
Evan nodded.  
“Yeah. And he never comes back to school either. Thanks for telling me, but can I ask why you want to know?” Zoe’s usually nice calm nature was now a raging bull trying to not care about the red flag waving in front of him.  
“Oh! I-it's c-cause we uh have a p-project together?” Evan stuttered out words not having the grace to just let the words fly out like beautiful birds flying with the wind.   
“Oh,” An awkward beat of silence passed and then both teens went on their way.   
Evan sighed. Zoe said Connor wouldn't stay and wouldn't help if the project, but maybe that was what Zoe thought. Maybe Connor would help, and was outside waiting for Evan. But as Evan got to the front of the school, his heart dropped. Connor wasn't standing there. Zoe was right.   
Evan walked all the way home, Jared had left home since Evan took too long. He was about halfway home when the droplets of rain turned into a rainstorm. The rain poured down hard on Evan’s sad soul, his clothes stocked to his figure, his shoes were all wet and gross from stepping in puddles, and he was tired from running from the rain. Now he was soaked and just wanted to enter his cozy bed and sleep until he woke up to do his homework, or maybe he would do his homework first and then sleep. Maybe Evan would make tea, and he would put on some show he hasn't watched in years, or he could possibly make a popcorn and watch a movie with a blanket tossed around him. Either one sounded fine, but the first thing he needed to do was take a shower- or a bath with a bath bomb Jared had gifted him.   
Evan smiled at the countless possibilities, and when he saw his home he ran again, but as he got closer he noticed 2 figures. One was a human shaped- possibly sitting down- and the other was a large rectangle getting more narrow near the top. Evan ran faster, his legs getting wobbly, and then he stopped. His home didn't exactly have a porch, but the roof extended just a tiny bit beyond the front door to block off rain. There, next to the door, sat a wet Connor Murphy reading- what looked like- a book, and next to him was a tower of books going up 3 books higher than Connor. Evan knew he was getting rained on, but he was so shocked. He came closer to his home, and finally Connor looked up. The brunette stood up, putting the book on the tower of books (which went up a bit higher than his waist), and straightened his clothes.   
“Sorry I didn't wait for you. School ended when I was halfway there, and then it started to rain a bit,” Connor picked on his nail polish, and didn't look up from the ground.   
“I- uh,” Evan didn't have anything to say. Technically, Connor did wait for Evan even if it wasn't at school.   
“So, today was a nice day and I was kinda wondering if you’d like to go get ice cream with me?” Connor asked Evan. Rain poured around them, was Connor being sarcastic?   
“It's pouring,” Evan stated the obvious.  
Connor hesitated before talking. “I don't hear a no,” he smiled.  
Connor Murphy, the last boy Evan would think of, was asking Evan Hansen to get ice cream while it's raining. Evan would have never imagined this is happen but it was, and he wasn't going to say no. Maybe the curse on him was a good thing, because at this moment the last word to come out his mouth is no.   
“Yeah but can I shower and change first?” Evan took out the key from his backpack, and walked near the door.  
“Yeah. Can I borrow clothes again?I'm kinda wet, and so are my clothes. Also can I put these book in there somewhere, they might get wet…” Connor picked up the numerous of books as Evan opened the door.  
“Uh yeah and let me um help,” Evan took a few books from Connor, his face showing and a smile present. The two teens walked into the smaller male’s home, they set the books near Evan’s TV, and both of them headed up stairs.  
“Where'd you -uh get the b-books from a-any-anyways?” Evan asked hating himself for his stuttering. No matter how Evan felt, comfortable or not, he would always stutter which absolutely sucked. Evan grabbed his towel and searched for clothes as Connor talked.  
“Oh. Some guy was doing a yard sale and then it kinda rained really hard. Anyways, he asked me if I wanted the books so I was like yeah. I thought he was gonna give me like… 5, but he gave me 2 crates full! The crates were ass, and I walked here with the books in my hands.”   
“Wow, long um st-story,” Evan looked at Connor, he was going through the books.   
“Yeah. These are some classics. ‘How to Kill a Mockingbird’, ‘Breakfast Club’, ‘Catcher in the Rhye’, ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’, and ‘The Great Gatsby’, even ‘21 Balloons’ is here! There's a few other books, but most of these are classics! I cannot believe this guy gave it to me for free!” Connor smiled, his teeth showing and everything.   
“That's cool!” Evan stood up from kneeling down.   
“Fuck yeah it is!”   
Evan smiled and headed to the shower. He showered quickly, out on his best khakis and polo blue shirt, and then Connor entered the shower. Connor wore a large black sweater from Hollister, and the same skinny jeans. Connor brought his messenger bag with him, and got an umbrella from somewhere.   
“You should wear a sweater just in case,” he suggested. So Evan did just that, he took a big blue sweater that he had since 5th grade. The sleeves were a tiny bit bigger than his hands, and the sweater went up to this thighs.  
“Sweet,” Connor complemented Evan, then they headed out.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anybody else get big headaches in a car? Not like car-sickness but like headaches that make you feel sick and gross. I guess kinda like migraines but I don't know much about migraines to make the comparison.

__Connor and Evan walked in silence for a while. Connor held onto the umbrella that both boys shared, and he played with the umbrella from time to time. He swirled it, used it as a shield against the air in front of him, and even got behind Evan (back to back) and walked like that for a while. Evan enjoyed each of Connor’s playful actions.  
“I'm sorry. I'm not good at small talk,” Evan pulled on his sleeve, the ice cream parlor was far away from Evan’s home. Connor should've brought Zoe’s car, but he ditched school and he didn't want to drive in the ugly yellow car.   
“It's alright. I don't like small talk, I like big talk,” Connor breathed in. “Like what's your deal?”   
“Isn't that considered small talk?” Evan chuckled.   
“Like what's your deal, and is God real?!” Connor made crazy eyes at Evan earning a laugh.  
“Um, I'm 17, fell from a tree, and once I graduate highschool I'll attend community college to study something. And I'm Jewish so…” Evan stumbled with words.  
“Evan Hansen is a jew?! Wow! Never knew that!” Connor smirked.   
“Well we uh- never t-talked before,” Evan fumbled with his sweater, he was already ruining his favorite sweater. “W-what about um- you?”   
“Oh! Well I'm 18 and I won't attend college or any bullshit like that. I'll just work part time and move to New York City- if I can-, and do whatever I want,” Connor finished.   
“Wow. Big um- dreams,” Evan commented.   
“Yeah. I used to think about my future all the time, but I ended up being introduced to weed which just fucked me up,” The boys walked in silence for a bit. Connor showed Evan the directions to this ice cream place so they could go again. Connor told Evan that he knows how to skateboard, but doesn't have one. Evan told Connor that he used to love cars, and in response Connor told Evan that he wanted to be a comedian as a child. It was just a back-and-forth conversation of ‘I like this’ and ‘Well I like this’, both boys learned a lot about each other.   
Connor learned that Evan’s mom bought him Ninja Turtle night lights, and that he would tell his mom that they kept away the bad guys (which was the cutest fucking thing Connor ever heard). Connor didn't talk much about his parents or family or himself as a child, but hearing Evan talk about his was adorable and he loved hearing every story.   
“I really like your sweater. Have I mentioned that?” The rain was coming to an end, but there were still rain pouring down.  
“Well y-you s-said it was ‘sweet’, so yeah,” Evan said each word sounding like a question.   
“Well I think it's super sweet,” Connor smiled. Evan looked really really nice in the sweater. His fingers were sticking out a bit from the long sleeves, and the end of the sweater went up to his thighs. The collar was hanging a bit, and Evan had to put it back on once it went to low, it was a pull-up sweater but it had no strings to make the hoodie smaller.   
“Th-thank y-you,” Evan blushed.   
‘Fuck,’ Connor thought when he saw Evan blush. Evan was… cute in a way. He was shorter than Connor, laughed at his horrible jokes, and had a face he made when Connor said something weird. Evan would put his lips together like a kissy face, and his eyes would get wide, and his eyebrows would rise. Sometimes the expression would change, but the kissy lips would stay the same. It was really fucking cute, and Connor couldn't help but want to see more of that face. Evan blushed about anything Connor said, and Evan’s face would turn dark red when Connor complimented him in anyway. Evan was cute, and Murphy liked Evan( in a totally “we’re-just-friends-!” Type of way).   
“Uh The Ice Cream store is a few feet from here!” Connor mentioned once he started to notice his surroundings. Both seniors had been walking forward for a while, only going across the street on the right side of the Orchard, and they were both pretty exhausted.   
“W-what's it called?” Evan asked getting closer to Connor when the rain fell more. The brunette’s face turned dark red when his hand brushed Evan’s hand.   
“Um- uh ‘A La Mode’ or something like that,” Connor turned his face so Evan couldn't do that adorable face he made all the time, and get Connor Murphy’s face more red than it already is.   
“My feet hurt,” Evan mumbled wiggling his feet in front of himself.  
“Want me to carry you?” Connor smirked, it was obviously a joke but if Evan said yes Connor would do it.   
Evan shook his head furiously, his face turning red, and carried on walking. “Th-they they don't hurt that much. P-plus we’re um um a-almost uh there right?!”   
Connor nodded and smiled. Making Evan’s face the color of deep red was an accomplishment, it was the closest to getting Evan to laugh (which in this short period of walking time he learned it was difficult). Connor smiled the rest of the walk, cracking a few jokes, Evan blushing a lot, and both boys having a fun time. Then they arrived. It hadn't stop raining, actually it poured down more than before, but they had gone into the tiny ice cream parlor.  
A La Mode was cozy and small. It had a menu which wasn't as big as Baskin Robins, and everything was written is chalk, but they had a bunch of flavors. There were a few sweet warm treats, like donuts and cookies, there was coffee and tea too, but the ice cream was the highlight of the shop. Each flavor was a named odd, as if it was a candle, and they all looked delicious. The store itself was very warm and sweet. There were a few tables outside, and a type of bar at the counter where you order. It was an 80’s style ice cream parlor, but the colors weren't so bright and more pastel looking.  
“It's pretty,” Evan walked in hugging himself while Connor closed the umbrella. The store was perfect for a date.   
“Yeah I know. Come on let's go order,” Both boys walked towards the thousands of ice cream flavors, and the expression on Evan’s face was priceless. He was the literal definition of a Kid at a candy store, there were so many flavors to choose from that you couldn't decide!   
Connor ordered some type of chocolate flavor, then it was Evan’s turn.  
“What do you want?” Connor asked Evan when he took to long.  
“I- uh. Um. I want a uh Um O-Oreo uh, cookie,” Evan whispered breathing out heavenly.   
“In a bowl or cone?”  
“B-bowl is um fine.”  
Connor proceeded to Order it, and to buy it without asking Evan for money.   
“Th-thank you,” Evan blushed when they sat at the table all the way at the corner near the large windows.  
“It's whatever,” the brunette shrugged licking the ice cream from drilling all over the cone.  
“N-no it's um not! Y-you ordered and um a-also payed for me! I’ll pay you back! I-I promise,” Evan played with the spoon in the bowl.  
“Bro. I don't care. Don't pay me back, it was my treat after um,” Connor didn't finish. They both knew what he was talking about. “P-plus! My parents are filthy rich and bored, so any money I steal is whatever. Don't pay me back.”  
Evan was silent. They both ate their ice cream in silent, but then Evan spoke up.  
“Please don't steal from your parents.”  
Connor looked at him and smiled. After smiling he laughed, and laughed, and laughed. It was weird for both of them. Connor didn't know why he was laughing, but he was. It felt nice to laugh because of a friend.  
“Ok. I um won't. I promise. I'll try to keep this promise,” Connor showed his pinkie, and Evan linked it with his own. A pinkie promise between the both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not having a great chapter.   
> Do you guys want long chapters in between weeks or short chapter in between days?


	16. Chapter 16

Both boys had finished their ice cream, and walked to Evan’s house. It was still raining, not as hard but still pretty hard, and so Connor promised he would give Evan his umbrella next time he saw him.   
“Well, I guess this is farewell Hansen,” Connor sighed walking up to the door with Evan.  
“B-but um j-just for now,” The honey-dew haired boy picked on his nails looking down.   
“Yeah. Just for now,” Connor smiled as Evan opened his door and walked in. As Evan was going to close the door, Connor stopped the door half-way.  
“Text me,” he winked receiving a nod and a blush from Evan Hansen.  
“Will um- do!” Evan smiled closing the door. He locked it, and ran to the closest window near the door. He waved through a window to Connor Murphy, and Connor waved back. When Connor left from Evan’s sight, Evan fell on the couch with a large smile plastered on his face.   
His eyes fell and landed on the tower of books, deciding whether or not to text Connor about it.  
HansenChild: Text me when you get home safe!   
Simple enough. Later on Evan would tell Connor about the books because it'll be a great conversation starter.   
Evan stared at his phone for awhile, not knowing why he was. His eyes stared at the text message on the small screen, the little letters read Delivered.   
With a sigh, Evan went upstairs to brush his teeth and go to bed. He didn't realize how late it was until the numbers in the digital clock in his phone read ‘9:43 PM’. How long had he’d been out? Also, was his mom home? It was a Friday night so he usually came him at 10, but occasionally she would be back a few minutes earlier to spend time with Evan.   
Evan turned the corner at the top of the steps, looking around for his mom.   
Nope. She wasn't home yet.   
Evan felt a vibration in his pant’s pocket, then another one came when Evan settled into bed after washing his teeth.   
He took out his phone, one from his mother and one from Connor.  
Mom: I'll be home later sweetie. Go to bed now. I love you <3  
Evan texted back with an I love you too. G’Night text.  
Conner: I'm home now.   
It was sent a minute ago, and now it was 10:20.   
HansenChild: Good!  
HansenChild: Are you going to get your books?  
Conner: oh shit  
Conner: I 4got about it.   
Conner: i ges I have to get them.  
HansenChild: when?  
Conner: well…  
Conner: I'll see tmrw. I'll get some books tmrw since it's sat tmrw. Night Hansen Child.  
HansenChild: Night Conner   
Evan smiled, outing down his phone. He had successfully texted Connor in a span of 5 minutes, and tomorrow his friend would come over. Evan slept with a smile, ready for the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I Can, I Will, I Did' is a movie starring Mike Faist, and I WANT TO WATCH IT! It'll be in New York and if you want more info check out their insta, but I live in New York but I have no ticket. And I don't wanna bother my mom for a ticket for a movie starring my fav celebrity but idk.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor's Outfit :https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/1b/3d/01/1b3d01072f1d50cfac0cd1e865b4f586--indie-fashion-fashion-for-men.jpg
> 
> Chapter: It's okay
> 
> Current President: Sucks and we should replace him for a better president.
> 
> My opinion: Doesn't Matter

5 hours had passed since Connor and Evan ate ice cream together, and somehow Connor was asleep yet. However it wasn't a new thing that had suddenly happen to the brunette, he was well aware he had insomnia, but he was sure that this time he could sleep well. Undoubtedly, he was incredibly wrong. His mind was wondering about the past, thinking that everything has a reason behind it. For example, Nikola Tesla died poor and old because everyone believed he was a nut or something, even though he invented many wonderful things that people use a lot now in the present. So Connor wondered how he became such a freak at such a young age. Connor was conscious that he was mentally ill, he saw many symptoms of Mental Illnesses that fit him very well, but he never like to admit it since he was pretty much self-diagnosed. But even if he did or did not have an illness in his mind, he needed a reason why he was such a weirdo.   
There were dozens of reasons why Connor might be hated by his family, but he never knew why.  
At 3:29 am Connor jolted out of his bed, it was crystal clear he wouldn't be able to sleep for the rest of the night. He searched through his dresser to find the tiny little bag of weed.  
Weed.  
That was probably one of the reasons Connor was a nut case.   
It was the one thing in the teenager’s life that he regretted the most. He took it for a stupid reason, peer pressure and not by his friends but by the school. He recalls his teachers and peers teasing him for having red eyes every day to school, red eyes from crying every night, and it bothered him. It had been going on ever since Connor could remember, and so Connor had been given the opportunity to smoke. The first puff was disgusting, he should've never taken the offer but he already did it so why stop now? He kept smoking, everyday until he got addicted. He couldn't live without it, and when he tried stopping he would get angry and emotional.   
He hated getting emotional. He hated crying and being sad, he hated himself the most.   
Weed came and soon enough the slicing came. Connor doesn't exactly remember why he did it, but he did. He felt pressure from his school, his family, his so called “friends”, and it was all too much for his 8th grade self. In the beginning it hurt, he hated the feeling but he needed it. Soon enough he couldn't feel himself so it. It's as if your foot falls asleep and although you touch it, your foot can't feel your hand, that's how it felt for Connor. Although the sharp razors would sink deep into his veins, he couldn't feel it. All of it was a blur, the beginning to the end was a messy bloody blur. It would come and go, and Connor couldn't stop it.  
The splash on Connor’s face took him out of his horrible childhood and pre-teen life. Before going out with the bag of weed in his bag, he thought about the sleeping pills underneath the sink hidden from his family. Just the thought of sleep was satisfying, but the thought of smoking weed was better. Connor left through the broken window in his room, the window Larry had stopped trying to fix years ago.   
With a thump, Connor got down successfully. There was a limit where and when Connor would smoke the little leafs in his bag. Not in his room, unless necessary, and not in the orchard. There was this sweet smell that the Orchard let out that could never be replaced. It was gentle to the touch, kind and loving but at the same time it was witty and clever, graceful like a swan but sly like a fox. Connor loved that smell, he always thought about turning into a candle and having it in his room, but he didn't have one fucking clue how candles had a fragrance if they were just wax.   
Most of the time Connor would go behind a drug store and smoke until there was no more weed, but sometimes he would travel far to smoke(maybe a forest or possibly a little forest near a park). Today, was one of those days where he would travel a bit further than usual.  
As he walked, the teen male played with his bag. It was a gift from his mother when he turned 15, and at first he hated it. It was girly and weird, ugly and dull, but he got used to it and now it was his companion in all his adventures. The little pins on the bag, the tiny holes, and the look as if it was passed down generations gave Connor a very nice feeling, a feeling that reminded him of the orchard in one way. He couldn't live without it, it was his prized possession. The messenger bag and Connor are like an odd version of Bonnie and Clyde. There were a few things that Connor liked, and a scarce tiny list that Connor loved, his bag was the number one thing in both of those list.   
Finally, around 4, Connor found a small park with a medium-sized forest. After taking many puffs, he finished it. He sat in the forest with his bag next to him, his eyes glowing red, watching the sunrise in front of him. He didn't move until he felt a vibration in his pants. Thinking it was Zoe or his mom, he ignored it, standing up to got to the nearest water fountain for his dry mouth. Then he felt another vibration, and finally he felt another. He knew Zoe and his mom wouldn't text him three times, that's way too much texting for a worried family member to text another family member, so he took out his phone and looked at it. The bright screen lit up, burning it sensitive eyes, but once Connor lowered the brightness he saw it was from Evan.   
HansenChild: Goodmorning! Hope you got sleep!  
HansenChild: Will you get your books today?  
HansenChild: Are you asleep? Sorry! Hope you rest weel.  
HansenChild: *Well  
The last text was received just now. Half a minute passed before Connor settled on replying.   
Conner: no.   
Conner: fuk I ment um I'm not asleep. I guess I'll get the books today. Well, at least sum   
To be quite frank, Connor had forgotten about Evan and the books. He regretted even giving the guy his phone number, but it felt nice to be cared about, even if it was fake.   
HansenChild: Great! Good! I'll see you soon! (:   
For a teenager, the kid really used a lot of exclamation marks.   
Connor bent down to take a sip of water, and going on his way to Evan’s house. He didn't really realize where he was going until he got lost, so he texted Evan.  
Conner: I kinda got lost. Adb I need uf directions.   
HansenChild: Uh yeah! Here you go!   
The brunette type in the directions in google maps, and realized that he was very far away. At least he was getting some exercise in. Connor tiredly knocked on the door, it opened very quickly.  
“Hi!” Evan smiled a toothy grin. When he saw Connor, his smile dropped and a worried face replaced the smile.   
“‘Sup,” He yawned walking in without permission.   
“Oh! Right! I-I m-made p-pancakes! W-well I-I tr-tried to um make uh pancakes. I think I uh- burned them…” His voice trailed off. Connor sat at the dining table, resting his head sideways on the table. Evan placed two plates of pancakes at the table, sitting next to Connor. Connor didn't lift his head, his eyes were staring at Evan’s right arm. Then his eyes met Evan’s eyes, the short boy had laid his head sideways to look at Connor.  
“Are you um-okay?” Evan asked moving his eyes to not look into Connor’s red eyes. The brunette lifted his head, staring at the plate of food in front of him, and nodded. He took the plate and fork, cut a tiny piece of pancakes into his mouth, and looked back at Evan.  
“I uh- made tea. I d-didn't know I-if y-you uh um liked uh coffee,” The boy with the cast on his arm went to pour the tea in the two mugs. He placed one cup next to Connor, and one next to his own plate.   
“Thank you Evan,” The brunette sipped his tea, the steam blew in his face.   
“I-um. Well you see- I was uh wondering um how uh long would you um t-take to um uh get your uh books?” Evan asked taking a few bites of his pancakes. Connor looked over at Evan, setting down the hot cup of tea on his hand, Evan watching in horror.   
“Why? You want me gone? You hate me already don't you? Who doesn't?! I'm fuckijg Connor Murphy! The psychopath! The freak! Zoe’s Horrible fucking brother!” The brunette rubbed his eyes forcefully.  
“No! It's just that I um w-wanted you t-to st-stay! As long as uh possible… sorry. It's a dumb i-idea um anyways,” Evan mumbled very quietly, Connor leaning in.  
“What?” Connor leaned closer to Evan, losing his grip on the table and falling with the chair, his tea falling all over his pants.  
“A-are you okay?!” Evan quickly helped Up Connor, Connor acting like a fish out of water.  
“Fuck,” He sighed pushing himself off his friend. “I'm fucking fine. Shit. Can I um…” His voice trailed off. How many times has he used Evan’s clothes? About 3 times right? 4 would be too much, and Evan is probably already annoyed about this guy who is too edgy and depressed.   
“Yeah! I'll go get y-you um clothes,” Evan ran upstairs leaving the taller male by himself. Connor sighed walking towards the tower of books. He picked up a book that was somewhere near the end.   
‘The Perks of being a Wallflower’   
Connor had read the book before, but never finished it. He turned over the book to read the summary. It was a great book that he had never finished, so he stuffed it in his bag.   
“I um brought these two uh o-outfits,” Evan fumbled with the shirts.   
“Oh. Thanks,” He ruffled through the outfits looking at Evan’s odd fashion taste. For a boy who always seems to wear the same khakis and blue polo shirt, he did have some odd clothes. Connor took off his sweater, and began to take off his shirt when Evan stopped him.  
“What a-are you doing?!” Evan covered his eyes with his hand, his fingers parting so he could see.   
“Changing.”  
“Why d-don't y-you change upstairs?!” Evan breathed heavily, so Connor obeyed the shorter teen.   
Connor had changed and stared at himself. The outfit was very indie styled inspired, and suited Connor incredibly well.   
He wore dark gray pants with a black and white striped shirt, he had suspenders on and a black light jacket. Something was missing, but he couldn't think of what. Then it hit him, a hat! He knew it was disrespectful to search through people's closets, but this hat was what would put the outfit together. Connor looked through the wardrobe, which was too neat for his liking, and found a hat that looked like on of those hats that little boys wore during the Great Depression. He put it on, went back to the mirror, and swirled around. He looked great, better than he has looked before. Connor walked downstairs to see Evan cleaning up the mess Connor made, so the brunette went to go help the other boy.  
“Oh Connor! I-” Evan blushed when his eyes landed on the long haired teen. “Y-you l-look great.”  
“Yeah. I look even more edgy than before!” Connor cracked a smile, and cleaned the rest of the tea he spilled.  
“No! You uh look great. Amazing actually! Spectacular! Handsome! Beautiful! Wonderful! Hot?” Evan spitter compliment after compliment not knowing when to stop.  
“Ok. Um. Thanks?” Connor tried to hide his blush from his friend by throwing away the napkins and going to the living room and sitting on the couch.   
“Sorry. That was uh weird,” The honey-dew haired teen apologized sitting awkwardly next to Connor.  
“N-no! I- um… likes it? Sorry. That was weird,” He chuckled rubbing the back of his neck. Connor smiled at Evan, both boys were now just as red as Connor’s eyes when he gets high.   
They both sat awkwardly until Connor spoke up talking about books. He talked, Evan joining sometimes, and talked about all the books he's read. He didn't stop until he realized that he was being a bother to Evan. He was standing up to leave when Evan stopped him.  
“C-could we uh- do this everyday? Well not everyday but time to um time? Just talking? Sorry dumb idea-”  
“No. I like your idea. I'll come tomorrow I guess. See ya later Hansen,” Connor smiled putting his hat on Evan and walking out with his dirty clothes in his bag with a book. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys know that thing called my crush or something like that? Where you say what you want in secret, that thing right? Well if you got to know me better, would you comment. I think the only thing you know about me is that I'm a girl.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I GOT WIFI BACK YAYAY! But no privacy i sear ;-;
> 
> ALSO YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS AND I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

“Hey Sweetie,” Mrs. Hansen shut the door, walking to her son to give him a kiss on his forehead.

“H-hey mom,” The teen shut off his phone with a smile. “I uh- made um p-pancakes this uh morning. Th-they're cold un uh though.”

Evan smiled at his mom, receiving a smile back.

“Thank you honey. How was your day?” She asked as he went into the kitchen.

“Uh um g-good. I-I’m going u-upstairs,” Evan fumbled off the couch running upstairs. He fell down on his bed, quickly re-opening his phone. 

He had been texting Connor ever since he left, talking about stupid stuff like animals, bad memes, social media, and dogs. 

**Conner: So anyways…**

**Conner: What's the number one thing you hate?**

An odd question, but every other question was odd so it wasn't too weird.

**HansenChild: Social Anxiety I guess.**

**HansenChild: How about you?**

**Conner: can't choose too many things I hate.**

How do you continue from a conversation like that?

**HandesChild: Well what's one thing you love?**

**Conner: Weed. Hbu?**

**HansenChild: Trees and my mom.**

**HansenChild: Well I guess that's two things but if I had to choose it'll be um…**

**Conner: don't choose.**

**HansenChild:Ok**

**Conner: Goodnight Evan. Sweet Dreams.**

**HansenChild: Goodnight Connor! Rest Well.**

Evan turned off his phone, and rested his head on the pillow. His arms hugging the other one, and he curled up like a little puppy. Evan slept well that night. 

~***~

“Huh?” Evan woke up to the notification’s sound coming from his phone rapidly. Lazily, he stretched out his hand to turn his phone on, the bright light hitting him on the face. Once had he lowered the brightness, he could see the spam of messages from Connor.

**Conner: Sup**

**Conner: I know ur asleep but like**

**Conner: thanks I guess? I don't know.**

**Conner: just thanks for talking to me and stuff so yeah**

**Conner: um**

The next 20 messages were just thank you messages from Connor, and then one message woke up Evan.

**_Conner: I fucking hate myselfso liek thanks?. I'd rather be dead but here you are… alive._ **

**HansenChild: Connor where are you?**

**Conner: Killlll meeeee**

**Conner: oh wot? Why?**

**HansenChild: I'm worried**

**Conner: y? U think imma kill myself?! Of curs u r.**

**HansenChild: Where are you?!**

Evan got out of bed, but tripped with the blankets and fell on the floor. Evan cursed himself for making the loud noise, and dragged himself to his dresser. 

**Conner: [Attached Image]**

Evan opened the picture just taken, and studied his surroundings. Connor took a picture of his combat boots next to his socked foot, the place he was at looked kind of like a skating rink. The ceiling had the ice to skate on, Evan hoped he knew where Connor was. 

**Conner: I'm high**

Oh. That explained why Connor was at a skating rink at 3 in the morning. Wait- no. No it didn't. Evan sighed getting in his bike heading towards the rink where Connor laid. 

“Lol how'd you get in?” Connor giggled trying to get up from the ground but tripping on his feet. 

“Um uh the door was uh opened,” Evan let out the sigh he didn't know he was holding, thankfully Connor did nothing to hurt himself.

Connor sauntered towards Evan tripping a few times, but he finally made it to the shorter male. The brunette’s hands fell on Evan’s shoulders, and Connor leaned in Evan closer to him.

“W-what are you doing?” Evan flushed, his arms were glued next to his body. 

“Come ‘ere,” Connor giggled getting closer to his friend. They were close,  _ too _ close, and Connor was getting closer. Their nose were touching, and Evan's red face was getting darker. He licked his lips repeatedly while the boy in front of him was freaking out silently, and then Connor laughed. 

“You're cute. I'm high. Thank you,” Connor giggled pushing himself off Evan, falling hard back on the ground.

“C-Connor!” Evan rushed to his knees to help his friend.

“Oucheee,” Connor giggled rubbing the back of his head. 

“Are you okay?!” Evan exclaimed helping Connor sit up.

“I love you,” Connor laughed throwing his head on Evan’s lap.

“Ow,” Evan mumbled into his breath, and looked at Connor. His hair was all over Evan’s sweat pants, and some of his hair was covering his face. His eyes were filled in red, he stunk like… beer?

“Connor are you drunk?” Evan asked, he wasn’t high was he?

The drunk teen giggled hardly and nodded. 

“Are you high too?” 

“NoooOOoOoO! But, I WILL!” Connor exclaimed as he went to his bag proceeding to open it, and take out a sandwich baggy of weed. 

“Connor gimme that,” Evan snatched it from Connor’s hands worried about his friend’s  _ addiction(???)  _ to drugs. 

“HEY! Thaats miinee!” Connor tried to take bag his weed, but flopped on the floor. 

“I’m t-taking you home.” Evan stated taking the brunette by the arms, lifting him up, and carried him.

“Oh fuk nOOOOo! I WONT GO!” Connor kicked forcing himself to fall, onec again.

“Come on Connor,” Evan sighed. He was tried and wanted some rest, not that he hated the situation he was in-seeing Connor smile every 3 seconds was a dream- but he really wanted his friend to be safe and secure.

“Ill  _ only _ go  _ if… _ ” Connor giggled before speaking again “I KISS YOUUU!!!” The brunette came nose-to-nose with Evan, laughing every few moments.

Evan’s face turn bright red, his arms pushing off the boy in front of him. 

“N-no way!” Evan  lied shook his head rapidly. The thoughts of Connor kissing  _ him _ had crossed his mind a… couple of times. There were times when Evan would daze off, thinking about how handsome Connor Murphy really was, and how soft his lips looked and omg he looked like an angel and he’s really beautiful and-

“PLEASEEE!!!!!” Connor smacked his lips. 

“N-no!” Evan started to walk off, his face was burning red. 

“Come ‘ere!” Connor snatched Evan’s wrist, pulling him close, their chest were touching and  _ too too close!  _

Connor leaned in close to his friend, but Evan didn’t want to lose his first kiss to his  crush friend when he was extremely intoxicated, so Evan moved his head only earning a kiss from Connor on his cheek. 

“Come ‘ere!!” Connor kissed Evan’s everywhere on his face, but always missing the lips. Evan silently wished that Connor brushed his lips against his own lips. His wish was granted when Connor did the exact same action Evan was just thinking of.

“CONNOR LETS GO!!!” Evan screeched holding tight onto Connor’s hand and leading him to Evan’s  bike. 

Connor struggled the whole bike ride to Evan’s house, and when they arrived Connor was like a noodle. Evan led him to his own bed, placing him down, Connor quickly falling asleep.  

Evan falling asleep on the floor.


	19. Chapter 19

In the Murphy house you would wake up by arguing and yelling, or any sort of loud noises would work fine. It was normal to see Mrs. and Mr. Murphy arguing about Connor’s well being, the only reason they were together was “for the children” and it was obvious it was only for that reason. They always woke up just to yell back and forth about their children, and if they weren’t yelling they were  _ too  _ quiet. The silence would be awkward that everyone would feel uncomfortable. Even Connor, who enjoyed the silence from time to time, would feel uneasy. Cynthia would then start a conversation, and from there everything would go downhill.

So waking up with birds chirping, the breeze kissing Connor’s cheeks, and the whole room smelling like the pages of a graphic novel was extremely unusual. It didn’t hit Connor at first, but when it did it hit him  _ hard _ . First of all, he wasn’t in his room which meant he was in some stranger's house. Secondly, Connor didn’t want to leave this stranger’s room because it’s cozy as  _ fuck _ . And lastly, if he was kidnapped when he was drunk than he the kidnapper would possibly kill him, and getting murdered wasn’t  _ that  _ bad in Connor’s mind. 

With a sigh, Connor got of the warm bed sheets. He looked around the room and noticed that the stranger was Evan, Connor knew that the bed sheets looked familiar. Evan’s room was very organized unlike Connor’s messy room. 

Connor looked around the room trying to figure out how he ended up here. All Connor could remember was getting drunk, texting Zoe, then texting some person thank yous? Oh. Wait- that random stranger was Evan. That explains why he was in his bedroom. 

Connor tip-toed to his bag in hopes to not wake up anyone in Evan’s family. With one swift move Connor had snatched his bag from the ground, and moved to the front of the window. He was deciding on whether or not to use the bathroom, or to leave Evan some sort of note, but he settled on just thanking Evan over text. Connor lifted one of his legs on the window sill, and as he was about to jump out the door flew open.

In the doorway stood the angel himself, Evan Hansen, with a shirt too big and shorts below the knees. He looked a bit weird since Connor always almost saw him with pants, but Evan rocked the shorts. 

“Oh. You’re up?” Evan stood stood stiff like a stick.

“I think so,” Connor jumped back into the room, but sat on the window sill.

“You were uh um d-drunk y-yesterday and uh-”

“I don’t want to know. I get drunk to forget, not to remember.” Connor walked over to Evan patting him on the head. “May I use your restroom?” 

“Oh! Y-yeah!” Evan moved out of Connor’s way, and Connor proceeded to the bathroom.

Maybe this time Connor wanted to know what happen last night, but what if he did something bad to Evan? Something that will embarrass Connor if he knew? Hopefully Connor didn’t hurt Evan in any way. 

The site in the mirror wasn’t the ugliest version of himself that Connor had seen. This version had messy hair, the sweater Connor usually wore wasn’t on him, and nothing had really changed. He tied up his hair, splashed some water in his face, and stepped out of the bathroom. He led himself back to Evan Hansen’s bedroom, and as he approached the door he heard noises downstairs.

“Evan! Sweetheart!” The voice sounded like a female making her way upstairs.

_ ‘Oh Fuck,’ _ Connor cursed himself opening Evan’s door and walking towards the window.

“Wait! Where are you going?!” Evan held onto Connor’s arm keeping him from leaving.

“Your mom’s home,” Connor whispered freaking out. Mrs. Hansen would probably tell Evan to stop hanging out with bad influences like Connor, and then Connor would lose a friend and he really needed a friend. 

“C-can you s-stay a bit more please?!” Evan’s pleaded, his grip on Connor’s arm becoming harded. 

Should he stay? Evan was actually asking Connor Murphy, and maybe this offer would never be brought up again. 

“N-nevermind. B-bye,” Evan walked away approaching the door, opening it, and closing it behind him, giving Connor no time to protest.

Well Fuck.

Connor ruined already ruined the day that hadn’t even started yet, way to go! The brunette looked out the window one last time, before hopping into the room. Not today. He wouldn’t ditch his friend. There was a possibility that his mom would come in while Connor changed into Evan’s clothes (Connor’s clothes stunk like beer), but what’s the worse that could happen? 

…

ON SECOND THOUGHT, Connor locked the door and quickly changed his clothes. 

He threw on some shortsleeve T-shirt, and found some skinny black jeans with rips, and threw on a thin black sweater. He walked towards the door listening for any sounds or voices coming from anywhere. His ear went up to the door and listened carefully.

“Connor…” The female voice spoke. “Who’s that?”

“No one! He’s um uh n-no one!” 

“He signed your cast.”

Silence.

“He’s my uh partner!” 

She probably thought partner as in  _ ‘we’re a gay couple!’  _ partner. 

“My g-group pr-project partner!”

“Oh. Well I hope he comes over sometime and I can meet him.”

Connor has been here more than she knows.

“Mom we’re uh j-just working on the project. Nothing more.”

That was a stab in the back.

“Okay sweetie. I have to go now. I love you, order food, take care.”

“Love you too mom.”

Connor unlocked the door, and shoved himself of the door. The door swung open, and there stood Evan.

“Hey partner!” Connor smiled.

“H-hi.” Both boy stood in silence until Evan spoke up. “You were uh here the wh-whole time?” Connor nodded. Another silence. “No one has uh s-signed your b-bandages yet.” 

It was supposed to be a joke, a reference to when they first met.

Connor chuckled.

“D-do you have a sharpie?” Evan asked, ready to get a sharpie from his desk.

“Yeah!” Connor pulled one out of his bag and handed it to Evan.

Evan signed his name on the bandages Connor wore for three days now.  

They stood still, Connor looking at the floor and Evan gazing at the boy in front of him. 

“I want to know what I did last night,” Connor suddenly spoke, surprising Evan.

“Wanna um eat and discuss it?” 

“Yes please,” Connor walked out with Evan, his hand brushing with Evan’s. Why did he want to hold Evan’s hand? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST WANT THEM TO KISS ALREADY.


	20. Chapter 20

 

“Aughh,” Connor groaned into his arms, he really was an idiot. He hadn’t stop groaning since Evan had told him what had happen last time, he cringed at everything that he did to Evan.

A drunk Connor was not a good one. A drunk Connor would get emotional, sappy, persuasive, honest, and clingy. 

“C-connor i-it r-really i-isn’t  _ that _ bad. I mean um uh y-you’re m-my f-friend so, it’s f-fine. F-forgive a-and forget, you know? Not that um you did anything  _ bad,  _ because you didn't, but uh it was um a uh metaphor.” Evan took the last bite of his pancakes from yesterday, and gently placed the dish in the sink. He glanced back at Connor while washing his plate, was it really that bad?

All Connor did was wake him up around 3 or 2, brought him to a skating rink, and tried to kiss him. It wasn’t as bad as Connor thought, but Evan guessed it was worse in Connor’s head than his own. Once Evan finished washing his plate, he sat back down across from Connor. 

“Evan-” Connor lifted his head. His  heterochromia blue-brown eyes met with Evan’s green boring eyes. The brunette opened his mouth to say something , but groaned into his arms once again. Evan sighed, he had to leave soon.

“C-connor I um h-have to uh g-go to J-Jared’s house. S-so I um-” Evan stood up wanting some kind of reaction from Connor. 

“Right. You have things to do. Sorry. I uh.  _ Fuck _ ,” Connor stood up and bit his lip. His right hand ran through his long messy brunette hair, and gosh he looked so  _ handsome _ . Maybe Evan wanted the kiss from the drunk Connor last night…

No.

Evan shook off the odd thoughts from his head, and proceed to the door. 

“Wait! Can I um pick an outfit for you?” Connor’s hand fell on Evan’s left shoulder, physical contact. Physical contact from  _ sober _ Connor. Physical contact from sober Connor after Evan having bad thoughts about Connor.

_ Fuck _ . 

“YES!” Evan practically yelled, now Connor would think he was weird. Instead of a disturbed face from Connor, Connor still had the same guilty expression on his face. Both boys went up to Evan’s room, Connor leading the way. Once they arrived, Evan sat on his bed while his friend searched through the drawers. 

After 10 minutes or so, Connor gave Evan an outfit to go change into. Connor stopped Evan before Evan left the room.

“Sorry for uh being gay with you last night. I was kinda drunk. I guess this is an uh ‘Sorry’ gift.  I don’t know. J-just a go change,” Connor sat on the bed, as Evan walked out. 

Evan walked to the bathroom very… confused. He tried to shake of the all the thoughts from his head that bothered him, but instead he just added more weird ideas. Evan changed without looking at what he was wearing, and walked back to his room. The door quietly creaked open to show a Connor Murphy pacing back and forth while biting his thumb. When Connor heard the door open, his head snapped to see who was there. 

Connor’s mouth slowly opened, it was as if he was looking at an angel. Evan walked in the door and went to look at himself in the mirror. 

There wasn’t a huge change, but the outfits was something he would normally not wear. He was wearing dark brown skinny jeans or regular jeans, a navy blue sweater with yellow mountains, and formal brown shoes. He was wearing a white dress-shirt underneath that you could see the collar and cuffs of. He looked… extremely nice. Too nice. Would Jared make fun of him. 

He felt something on his head, and when he looked in the mirror he saw Connor putting Evan a dark wine red beanie. Where did he get the beanie from? 

Evan looked back at the mirror, and smiled. He looked spectacular, even if it was actually not that cold outside. 

Evan turned around to look at Connor smile back at him. They were too close.  _ Too close _ .  Connor stepped back noticing how close he was to Evan. 

“You look fantastic!” Connor smiled showing his pearly white teeth. “But uh- here.” The brunette took of one of his bracelet, which was of the solar system, snatched Evan’s wrist and put the bracelet on him. “Better!” 

Evan looked at the bracelet on his wrist, a blush lightly came upon his face. Connor was incredibly nice. Connor was nicer than he seemed. He was funny, kind,  cute , and he was just so so  _ so _ … amazing. Evan couldn’t wish for a better friend. 

“So uh, where are you going today?” Connor asked walking out the room with Evan following behind.

“W-well J-Jared’s um um house first, and then I-I have to go to my therapist.” Evan walked down the stairs and out of his house with Connor, Evan then locked the door and stood outside his home. 

“Can I walk with you to Jared’s house. I’ll leave you there, and I’ll walk home. If not it’s fine, it’s whatever,” Connor asked shyly, his eyes not looking into Evan’s. Evan smiled at Connor with a wide toothy smile. 

“Yeah!” Evan started walking next to his friend totally ignoring his bike. 

~

“What the fuck are you wearing?” Jared immediately asked when he saw Evan standing with a style that he usually didn’t wear. “And what’s with the bracelet? What are you,  _ gay _ ?!” 

“N-NO! I just decided to um t-try something uh new,” Evan scratched his cast.

“ _ Connor. _ He gave you the outfit didn’t he? Well atleast he has a semi-good fashion taste,” Jared invited his family friend in, how did he know?`

“No!” Evan lied very badly walking, and taking off his shoes. He then followed Jared to the kitchen where they got some food. Jared’s step-dad was the chef of the house and italian so most of their food was from italy, but currently the two boys are eating the very famous american dish:

PB&J

“I take it that you’re mad with Stephen?” Evan asked looking at the hot dish of italian food sitting right next to Jared. 

“Fuck him. He’s an asshole. Trying to fucking persuade me with food. Why doesn’t he just talk to me like a normal person?” Jared angrily munched on his sandwich. Jared and Stephen- his step-dad - didn’t get along since Jared only found out that the guy would marry his mom, on their wedding day. Evan doesn’t blame Jared for hating Stephen, but he has to give his step-dad a chance at least. But this wasn’t Evan’s problems so he tried not to get into his family friend’s business 

“Are you and Mr.School-Shooter a thing now?” Jared asked as if he didn’t care about his own death. The natural dark red blush that Evan always wore came back into his face, he stuttered 3,000 times before answering. 

“N-no Jared of course not! W-why would you e-even think that?!” Evan shook his head furiosly, he and Connor weren’t a thing.  Even if Evan wished they were.

“You and him seem to hang out more,” Jared finished his sandwich and took off upstairs. Evan followed behind rushing to catch up.

“H-how did you know?” Evan touched Jared’s shoulder slightly. 

“I didn’t. I guessed, but you just proved me right. Anyways I don’t wanna talk just play with me or something,” Jared turned on his WII console waiting for Evan to join.

Ok… well that conversation went great!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter kinda sucked. I don't want my family to find out I write fanfic because they're all snitches.   
> Anyways, I got used to Tumblr so go follow me @saturnghostmother
> 
> Talk with me or something. Yup!


	21. Chapter 21

  
The first thing that popped into Connor’s head after he left Evan at Jared’s house was:  
Why does Jared hang out with Evan?!  
Not that Evan can’t hang with his friend, but Evan could hang out with anybody yet he hung out with Jared. Well not anybody- just Jared and Connor- but why was he choosing to be with Jared?  
Kleinman was an ass who didn’t care about anybody’s feelings. He was obnoxious, ugly, rude, and Connor fucking hated him. With a passion. Jared always had something to say, his mouth could never shut up. A snarky comment or some dumb saying would always pop out of his mouth, he was a freak hanging out with his only friend- Evan Hansen.   
Taking a deep breath Connor walked. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew he wasn’t heading home. That option wasn’t even on his mind. Larry would scream at him, Cynthia would try to help him, and Zoe would blame him for their fucked up family. Not that it wasn’t true, but she would bitch and bitch about everything and it fucking annoyed the hell out of him.   
Connor wishes it would already snow for reasons.  
First of all, it was hot and wearing a sweater in summer was not classified as acceptable.   
Secondly, the snow could drown out all his depressing thoughts. Like a warm blanket covering his actual feelings about everything surrounding him.   
The weather was getting wasn’t making any effort to get colder, and Connor yearned for the cold fall breeze or the snowy mountains that piled in front of his house. The only good thing summer gave to him was 3 months off of school, but 3 months wasn’t enough to keep anyone satisfied. He’d rather want 3 months off during winter. The US school system was fucked up. Why didn’t they just start school January? Then they would have some of the fall months off, and one winter month. It would be splendid but no. They had to start school when it wasn’t even nice out, and the heat would repeatedly stab you multiple of times until you turn on the ac. The heat outside would make Connor roll up his sleeves showing his “battle” scars, tie up his hair to make him look even more weak, and suffocate him by hitting him with the hot sun rays that would only kill people with black clothes on. What a racist homophobic bitch. Thank God for the moon that would shelter people and hug everyone with her bright smile. The only thing the sun was good for was to give light to the moon. Get rid of the Sun. Fucking get rid of it!   
Connor groaned realizing he was starting to get angry at the fucking sun, an inanimate object that lights the way for many people. Only happy people, like Zoe, actually enjoyed Summer and it’s joy and it’s Sun. Ew. Connor would rather stare from the inside of a window and watch as happy people hemmed hand in hand with their happy household and happy friends and play happy games like hopscotch and other wonderful games that Connor would never join. He was like a Rudolph the Reindeer, but with no Happily Ever After. The only happy people who he knew were Zoe and Alana and they were both girls. Girls are always happy. They make friends and don’t get bullied around for having long or short hair. Girls make fun of each other’s clothes, guy make fun of each other’s issues and mental problems. Fuck guys. Fuck girls. Both genders were assholes. Even the non binary ones. Just fuck everyone in general. Everyone sucked and hated Connor so why would he care what they thought. People were assholes and avoided him. Why did they even avoid him?! He was so fucking tired of girls getting away from Connor, and guys acting like Connor was some sort of exotic animal. Every fucking football player would get close to Connor in front of girls to prove they were worthy or some shit. Connor wasn’t stronger than all the other guys so what were they all so afraid of?! His vibe?! HA! As if a mean vibe could kill anyone. If some random person beat up Connor, Connor wouldn’t fight back. He had already hurt himself numerous time, what could a few hundred punches to the gut hurt him? He already got bullied and beat up by almost everyone in school, some nerdy kid like Jared could punch him and he wouldn’t care. Why? Because he was done with that bullshit of standing up for himself. He could stand up for himself, but what would he get in return?   
Pride?  
Honor?  
Happines?  
The feeling of being satisfied or the bigger man?  
No way. All of those were out of the picture once the fighting became daily. What pride did he have left? He didn’t even have an ounce of being satisfied with himself, so what would standing up for himself make him?   
Feelings were stupid anyways. The thought of joy was so rare to him. Connor couldn’t smile without tears of depression coming out of him. He couldn’t smile unless he felt as if it was fake. All of it. He had faked his feelings for so long, his excitement and happiness, that now it was numb. It was as if every emotion in his body had moved out of his brain and subsided with somebody better than him. Every emotion left except sadness and anger. The two emotions would work together to fuck him up even more than he originally was.   
If it didn't snow today, Connor hoped it would rain. He would stay out all day in the rain getting sick and having an excuse to skip school. Maybe the cold would lead to him getting a larger sickness and die of a natural cause. That would be great. If he just flopped and died on the sidewalk no one would care or hear him fall, no one would notice. They would find him in the park passed out with tears down his face.  
Tears? Fuck, he was crying again. What a fucking wimp.   
Connor sat down on the grass he had been walking in just a few minutes ago. He didn't even noticed he had arrived at the park. Everytime time he was by himself he had to be depressed and cry and look ugly, sometimes he wished he didn't have to have ugly depressing thoughts in his mind. He wished to have a good day at least once, but since he's Connor Murphy he would never have a good day.   
Connor picked out grassroots, a habit he had always done since he was young, calming him down a bit. It was a very peaceful day, the wind rustling the tree’s leaves. The grass was a bright green matching with the Trees, the sky was a bright blue, everything was perfect. Too perfect. The last tears fell from Connor’s eyes.   
The days were getting so much rough, every morning would be such a challenge for Connor to get up. His doubts and negativity would always force him back into the bed screaming at him reasons to kill himself, but he would push away those thoughts sometimes and get up. Usually he would get high to block out those suicidal thoughts, but the weed couldn't block out his parent’s complains. Instead it would make the complains loud, louder than normal, pretty much screaming in his ears and fuck- it was so loud.   
He was trying to get better, he really was, but it was difficult. Why didn't they understand that?! It's hard to stop habits.   
By now Connor was ripping out all of the grassroots from the ground.   
Connor tried so hard 2 years ago to be better, for Zoe, but it just messed up everything more. He fought with Zoe, and then he lost the last string to any happiness he had.   
Enough. No more sadness or anger. Enough was enough.   
Connor fished through his bag for the little baggy of weed to get rid off every thought occupied in his mind. Everybody hated Connor, they all liked high Connor. Connor with the nonsense, Connor faking his laughter, High Connor was the best Connor. Well fuck them. Connor also liked the Connor that was normal and happy, he always liked to play pretend, so now he was going to pretend everything was fine and he was happy. That was what he did best anyways.  
Of course it wasn't there. Of course Evan had to take it from him. Of course because Evan was a good boy.   
Evan was not going to be the person to break the walls Connor worked so hard to build. These walls were the thing that was protecting him from harm, from damage, from being hurt again. 5 months and then Evan would be considered a friend, but Connor isn't going to get attached to Evan. Maybe Evan would stab a large knife in his heart like everyone else did, Connor wouldn't let him.   
He really needed weed. 5 months. That was all. If Connor was alive by then, him and Evan would be friends. Just 5 fucking months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I vent a lot through Connor. 50% of his thoughts are mines, the other 50% is the one I think would fit Connor. Yeah, anyways goodbye.


	22. Chapter 22

All of Evan Hansen’s energy was drained. This morning he talked with Connor, he then played games and talked with Jared, and finally talked with Dr. Sherman. Evan’s therapist ended up giving Evan a refill of pills, and actually giving Evan a smile. Now all Evan wanted to do was sleep for hours, but tomorrow was Monday and if he took a nap right now his sleeping schedule would mess up, and everything would give make him anxious. Yet his eyes were droopy, his legs felt wobbly, everything felt slow, Evan just wanted to lay down in his bed. For 5 minutes at least, but those 5 minutes would turn to 10, then they would turn to 30, then an hour or two would pass. Evan forced himself to not fall asleep in Jared’s car on their way to Evan’s house, but he just needed to.. Sleep…

“Don’t fall asleep in my car. I don’t want your drool on my seats,” Jared made a sharp turn to wake up Evan and he succeeded. He stayed silent, fixing his posture, and stared out the window again. Fresh air would probably help fim from falling asleep, the cold night air would keep him up for at least 10 minutes. It was about 8pm, the sun was starting to set, the cold breeze would help keep up Evan. He rolled down his window, the wind inviting itself in the car to wrap Evan in a large hug. The breeze didn’t help instead it sang him a lullaby of sweet remorse for his anxiety and everything he had down in the past year, it sung him to sleep cooing him, and pecking his cheeks with chapped cold lips. His eyes closed and he was on the edge of his seat wanting more of the wind. He loved every moment right now knowing that it would end then he’ll have to return to reality. 

Once again Jared made another sharp turn, thrusting Evan forward his seat belt holding him from flying out the window. Jared stopped the car in front of Evan’s house waiting for him to get out. Evan took of his seat belt, walking out the car. He shut the door, Jared calling him. 

“Hey, if you hang out with school shooter don’t be such a dick about it okay? Kiss and makeout or whatever you do at 3 am, but don’t turn into an asshole,” Jared rubbed his neck and driving away before Evan could respond. Too tired to be confused, Evan unlocked his door walking in. He wished he could sleep for days, never waking up, but that was impossible. 

He took a seat on his couch, receiving a text from his mom asking if he was home, he replied yeah. Evan had to write that damn letter before he did anything. Quickly, he ran upstairs to grab his laptop opening it. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today was a good day because Connor Murphy dropped by this morning.  _ _ Because he was drunk and wanting to smoke weed yesterday so I let him sleep in my bed. _ _ He dropped me off at Jared’s house, and then Jared and I played some video games. He dropped me off at the therapists, and also dropped me off home. So in conclusion, today was actually a great day. One of the best of this week!  _

_ Sincerely, Me _

Evan shut his laptop falling in his bed. Today was a great day. A fantastic day actually, but knowing that this day was great the rest of the week would suck. Something would happen that would cause everything to break down and fail. 

Evan heard a vibration from his phone, then another, and another. It was Connor. 

Evan fished through his pocket to find his phone, and he had guessed correctly. He opened the messages. 

**Conner: Hye um Efan. r u goin to skool tmrw?**

**Conner:I just wonted to ak**

**Conner: *sak**

Evan smiled at the horrible typing Connor did. 

**HansenChild: Yeah! Are you? :)**

No response for another 5 minutes, maybe Connor didn’t care anymore.

**Conner: *ask**

**Conner: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhh sureeee?????????????????**

The surplus of h’s and question mark’s made Evan giggle- not a manly giggle but a girly,  _ ‘I have a crush on you’ _ type of giggle. 

**Conner: Did U know Gay month is actually everrrrrryyy MONTH! >!>! :0 **

Was he high? A good type of high that made Evan laugh. Was every high a bad high or a good high? Weed was confusing. 

**HansenChild: No, but I do know! :D**

**Conner: JOOL KOOL COL**

**Conner: PSSSSTTTTT EVAN**

**HansenChild: :D yeah?**

**Conner: gimmmme an uhhh BONELESS PIZZA and 5 months too thanks k kkkkkk**

5 months? For what? Was Connor leaving?! Was Connor not going to talk with Evan for 5 months?! DID CONNOR HATE EVAN ALREADY?!!? They had only talked for 3 days and Connor already hated Evan. No no no, this wasn’t a surprise.  _ Everybody _ hated Evan, why would  _ Connor Murphy _ be any exception? 

**Conner: r u okay my baby child?!**

**HansenChild: Oh yeah mhm.**

**Conner: ………….. ok  ….. ,3**

Coma 3. What was that?

**Conner: I ment shift , then 3 but whateverrr**

Evan settled down his phone, he was too tired to change or cry or have some sort of panic/anxiety attack. He went under his covers and slept even if it was too early. He was tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has me fucked up. A sudden wave of Depression hit me and like 3 hurricanes are coming. What the honest fuck world?! 
> 
> In other words, I'm getting a new phone so yay! :D


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh this took too long to post sorry!

__A muddy rainy thursday afternoon was Connor’s perfect day. It would’ve of been better if he wasn’t spending his time trapped in his school with no way out. (Unless he threw himself out of the window, which was actually not a bad idea.) Fortunately for him he was in the easiest (and favorite) class, art class. Connor could draw all day in that class without paying attention, and if he was failing he could do the extra-credit, which was also drawing! It was the only good class his school had. For the past 30 minutes, Connor doodled on the bandages wrapping his wrists. Rainy clouds, thunder bolt and lighting, dull rainbows, and curvy and straight lines. The teacher was talking about a project the students could do for some extra credit, and while everyone waited for the bell to ring, Connor actually paid attention. It was a slim chance he would actually do it, but maybe would if he liked the idea of it. She was explaining that the students just had to draw a character from their favorite cartoon/tv show/book/ movie/ or anything other entertainment and draw them in a setting from a different place. An example was using the Percy Jackson kids on the set of Harry Potter. It was different and weird, but totally cool to draw. The teacher also explained that the pupils could draw themselves in their favorite cartoon/tv show/book/ movie with clothes that would match the plot so they wouldn’t seem out of place.  
Connor smiled at the idea as he got out of his seat. The bell had rung, and everyone left the classroom running to the cafeteria. Connor falled behind them, but he walked slowly to destination B. He roamed the hallways looking around at the walls with posters on them. Many Anti-Bullying Posters, and pictures of After-School Clubs. Freshman year was the year Connor wanted to joined after-school clubs, to try to “fit in” and be normal. But of course his efforts were just a big of waste of time, everyone was scared of him in Art Club. So after 3 weeks, he dropped out of the club. His teacher really did believe he had talent, but everybody hated him so what was the point? From time to time Connor would give his art teacher some of his art work, and she would hang it up (which was actually very nice of her).   
“Hey Hot Topic!” Jared exclaimed his entrance and punched Connor in the arm. Fuck, he punched pretty hard. “Your boyfriend-”   
Connor looked over at Evan on his left side and smiled. Evan squirmed, a light blush appearing on his cheeks, and waved his hand.   
“Once again, your boyfriend’s birthday is this saturday and-”   
“Your birthday is this saturday?” Connor stopped Jared to look over at Evan.  
“Hey I was kinda fucking talk-”  
“Yeah but it’s notthatimportantandnobodycaresbecausewhywouldthey? You know?” Evan rambled on about how he hasn’t celebrated his birthday in 8 years because his mom his busy all the time. It was sad, very sad, and brought Connor’s mood way more low than before.   
“How about we do something this time?” Connor smiled at Evan, his hand once again twitching to hold Evan’s right hand.   
“Like bowling?!” Jared squished in between them separating the two boys.  
“I mean uh-” Evan played with the hem of his shirt.  
“It’s whatever you want Evan. It’s your birthday,” Connor took an unexpected right, the other two males stumbled to catch up with him.   
“Wait where are we going?” Jared asked finally realizing that they weren’t going to the cafeteria where they served food.  
“Um the Outside Area? They sell foods out there and then we’ll go to the football yard,” Connor lead the way with the both boys following behind.   
“But it’s raining,” Evan protested against the idea.  
“Yeah, but it’ll be better than being stuck in a hot loud room with a bunch of emotional teenagers who are questioning their sexuality,” Connor commented earning two uncomfortable looks from both boys.   
“So…” Connor continued the conversation from before trying to not make the air awkard, “Bowling?”   
“HECK YEAH!” Jared smiling widely with his sharp white teeth, all previous awkwardness leaving. He pumped his fist in the air with a little jump, smiling widely. Connor found it really weird how Jared just got really used to the fact that Evan hung out with Connor. Just a few days ago Jared would bully Connor, but now he laughs with him. Sure, sometimes he laughs at Connor- but most of the time they share jokes. They have the same sort of dark humor, and Jared is a bigger memelord than Connor is, but they still laughed at the same jokes. Sometimes Evan wouldn’t get the memes both boys brought up, but he did know the pure memes. The doge memes and the other cute memes, it was nice to see how innocent Evan was compared to Connor.   
“Yeah, bowling. And then maybe a walk in the park? Nevermind that was dumb I-I don’t e-even know why I suggested that,” Evan rubbed his face with his good hand.   
Connor was also astonished why Evan still was hanging out with the school shooter. Connor was weird and had large mood swings, and Evan seemed… like a normal highschooler. Maybe Evan pitied him, or felt forced. Possibly because they had to do a project together for the whole ficking school year, or because Evan actually liked Connor. But nooo, that was impossible! Nobody, not even Connor himself, liked Connor Murphy with the long hair and chipped black nails.   
“Hey Connor, I never noticed you had piercings,” Jared raised an eyebrow as Connor. The Murphy boy had forgotten he had piercings too. The brunette doesn’t quite remember how it felt to get his first ever piercings. However he does remember the peer pressure his so-called “friends” forced him to get the earrings to fit into their clique. He had gotten the regular piercings with the little diamond earrings that were ugly and gay as fuck, but Connor did it only to have friends. Later on, he replaced them with the regular black earrings. Although he hated them back them, he actually loves all his piercings now. He was planning to get some on his lip, but then it would be too noticeable.   
“Oh yeah. I got them in like… freshman year?” He knew exactly when he got his stupid piercings, he typed it down on his phone and it reminds him every year.   
“Evan wanted one on his nipples,” Jared joked giving Evan a >:3 type of smile.   
“N-NO I DIDN’T!!!” Evan blushed a bright crimson red, looking mortified.   
“I did,” Connor laughed when he saw both boys’ faces going deep blood red. “I was so edgy it's cringy.”   
“Wait wait wait, you're not kidding?!?” Jared raised an eyebrow and stopping in front of Connor.  
“No joke.” Connor pushed away Jared, leaving him shocked.   
Connor breathed in as he opened the doors that lead outside. Large wet droplets fell from the sky landing gracefully on the ground leaving tiny little oceans all over the ground. He started walking out, he could feel the rain land on him, and walked over to a table that had an umbrella. He sat down, patting away any excess water. Connor watched as Evan and Jared stood still inside the school with the doors open wide. Jared pushed Evan out the door, and shut it. Evan ran over to Murphy sitting down on a dry area of the bench.  
“Oh hello,” Connor smiled his weird awkward smile, Evan did that cute face he always did before smiling back.  
“Not to say that that was gay, but it was pretty fucking gay,” Jared sat in front of the two boys. He took out his lunch and placed it on the table, a PB&J sandwich with a juice box and Kool-Aid. Evan took out his, an apple and a sandwich, and both boys started to eat. Connor watched uncomfortably, then looked away. It was rude to stare anyways. He cracked his knuckles, and awkward silence was in between the boys.  
“Did you not bring lunch?” Jared asking taking a long sip from his juice box.  
“No. I usually buy lunch,” Connor kind of lied. He never ate lunch, but sometimes he would buy a burrito or something.   
“Do you w-want… want um my uh ap-apple?” Evan stuck out his shiny red apple in front of Connor, the brunette shoving it away.  
“Look guys I’m fine, I-” Connor got interrupted by Jared’s offer.  
“You want like my fucking capri sun or some shit?” Jared moved the juice pouch in front Connor. Connor snatched it and stuck the straw into the little hole, taking a long sip.   
“So much for “I’m fine guys”,” Jared mocked Connor.   
“You made me an offer I couldn’t refuse Klienman. The problem in which we behold, sounds like a you problem and not a me problem,” Connor grinned a cheshire grin, and continuing to drink from the straw. Jared stuck out his tongue, throwing orange slices into his mouth.  
“So we’re going bowling and eating cheesecake this saturday for Tree Boy’s birthday correct?” Jared asked not paying attention to what he was saying.  
“Actu-actually um I was uh um think-thinking i-if we could um like uh g-g-go hiking? I-in the p-park that I uh um v-v-v-volunteered for uh summer? If… if that fine you know Iwouldn’tlikewanttodosomethingyouguyswouldn’twanttodo youknowwhatjustignorewhatIsaid Itsdumbanyways,” Evan stuffed a bunch of words into one sentence not giving the boys a chance to process what they heard.   
“Wait wait wait wait, what?!” Jared broke the long silence.   
“I want to go um hiking! If you guys want I mean-” Connor stopped Evan before he could ramble again.  
“Ok sure. It’s your birthday anyways. We can go bowling another time, anyways I suck at bowling and I hate it.” Connor coughed.  
A loud audible gasp escaped from Jared, and a long rant about how amazing bowling is came after that. Luckily for the two boys, the bell that meant it was time to go to classes rang, and both boys went running into the building Jared ran behind them.

  
Connor walked home, Evan offering him a ride but Connor refused. He really didn’t want to arrive home early, he would get a scolding and what not. So he was walking home in the rain, walking slower than a turtle or snail, and enjoying all the tiny water droplets falling on his hair. It was… comforting. He felt everything falling into place, but at the same time he felt everything go wild and crazy. Connor loved the rain.   
He was closer to his house than he realized, and so he decided to take a longer way home. He was going to “get lost in the rain”, and show up at his “comforting” home at around… 5 pm? 3 hours after he got released from school.   
Connor felt a vibration from his pocket, and looked at the text message. It was from Evan saying that he had arrived safely home, Connor smiled replying back.  
Conner: yeah me too.   
He knew he was lying, but Evan didn’t have to know that.   
Connor tied up his hair, scratching at his bandages. They were kind of annoying, but Connor couldn’t bring himself to take them off for two reasons.   
He didn’t want to see how much of a failure he was.  
He was reminded of Evan everytime he looked at them.  
Not that, that was bad or anything but still. Connor stared at them as if he was telling them to stop healing his wounds. He had cut himself many times before, and these stupid bandages weren’t going to help anyone. Connor lowered his sleeves, walking with a little hop in his steps. He pushed aside a stray hair from his face.  
Evan was too nice and innocent to be hanging out with mean old rude Connor Murphy. Evan was the lorax, Connor was the Once-ler. Evan was pure, Connor wasn’t.   
Connor took a right when he was supposed to take a left. A visit to the tiny bridge wouldn’t hurt nobody right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like meg from Hercules, “I won’t say I’m in love”.
> 
> I watched Mary Poppins and it was beautiful.


	24. Chapter 24

Evan was excited about his birthday for the first time in forever, and so he was planning ahead. He didn't want everything to become terrible before it started. Although Evan dreaded to call the place he volunteered at, he had to reserve a few days in advance. Once he had gotten home he texted his mom, then Connor, and finally called the park.

After stumbling for what it stemmed the millionth time, he received a text from his buddy- Connor- and it seemed to cure his stumbling. Well, not cure but ease it. 

Almost half an hour passed, and Evan had finished reserving his perfect spot. He had walked through the place thousands of times wishing once that he could have his birthday in that perfect spot, and now his dreams were coming true. 

Evan breathed in, a smile plastering in his face, and walked over to his closet. What was he gonna wear? Something casual right? Evan had a bunch of clothes he never wore, but they were rather not his style or his size. Evan took a quick glance at the dresser with a bunch of clothes he never wore, but turned back at the large closet of blue polos and khaki pants. What if this once he wore something different? 

He would figure out what to wear later on.

  
  


~

 

For what felt like the hundredth time, Evan fixed his hair in the mirror. It felt too lopsided, or maybe too fluffy? His hands went through his hair, it was fine. Evan’s anxiety was just getting the best of him, but today was going to be a good day. Now thinking about it, Evan hadn’t write one of those therapist letters in a long time. He walked over to his laptop and started typing.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today is going to be an amazing day because it is your birthday today. Today Jared and Connor are going to celebrate with me in the park which is nice. I hope that they won’t get mad that I kinda changed some plans, but I think it’s better!  _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

He smiled at the screen. He was doing better now wasn’t he? Evan stood up, his fingers stretching out only to clench again in fist, he repeated the action until he heard the doorbell ring. It startled him making him jump a little, but either way Evan ran downstairs and threw open the door. There stood Jared Kleinman munching on beef jerky, gross. With one quick look up and down at Evan, an eyebrow twitched up and his head cocked to the side.

“Are you trying to impress your boyfriend by wearing some gay ass shit?” Jared walked in the house while Evan’s face turned a deep dark wine color. His voice cracked when he shouted out Jared’s name. “Hey chill dude. It was a joke, unless you're actually trying to impress him?” His eyebrow lifted, Evan brushed him off.

“It’s a special occasion Jared, I wanna… look better y’know. Is it too much though? Maybe I’m dressing up a lot for nothing. I’m gonna go change wait here I-” 

“Knock Knock,” Connor interrupted Evan as he walked in startling his friend. Connor looked up and down his friend, and smiled. Evan, contrasted to his usual blue clothing, wore almost everything pink. He had on a light pink sweater, a white button up underneath. You could see the collar and cuffs of the button-up shirt on top of the pink sweater. Evan wore velvet-y pants, and his usual black shoes.

“Happy birthday Evan. You look nice,” Connor handed his present to his friend. He walked past Evan over to Jared. “You look like hell.” 

“Thanks I just got back!” Jared smiled. Evan walked over to his kitchen to set down his present, what was in it? Connor was nice to give him a present, but it was his birthday and all. Evan felt a tingling sensation in his stomach, but shook it off as him being nervous. With one last look at the arm-length bag, Evan walked back to the living room where Connor’s face was flushed and Jared laughing on the ground.

“Fuck you Jared!” Connor stood up to leave, but Evan was in his way. Faces practically touching. A beat of silence. Maybe it was Evan’s imagination, but he swore that when Connor looked at his lips Connor licked his own lips. Ugh. Why was Evan feeling this stupid butterfly feeling in his stomach?!

“We should go, we’re late anyways.” Evan walked around Connor to get his stuff. His friend swooped around and helped him out while Jared just stood with a confused/shocked expression on his face. Once all the boys had their shit together, they went in Jared’s Pick-Up truck to Ellison State Park. They arrived at the park around 4:20 (Connor making a joke about this), 20 minutes late to their reservation. Evan walked around the place for a while and smiled, he has been dreaming for this ever since he saw it. At 5 the sun would set, at 6 they would eat a few and take pictures, and at 6:30 they would leave. The reservation was actually for two hours- 4 to 6 pm- but usually the staff would let the host stay for an extra 30 minutes to clean up a few. The birthday boy took a few steps, his hands roaming the tree trunk, his eyes were wide, and he looked like a little kid who hadn’t ever seen the sunset. So tranquil. Everything was perfect, and nothing could ruin this moment. Jared and Connor glanced at each other with a smile, Evan was happy so they wouldn’t-  _ couldn’t _ ruin this perfect day for him. 

“Ahh, sorry. I’ll help you guys get out the stuff,” Evan shook off any happy thoughts, turning around to face his friends. Connor held a box of stuff and so did Jared.

“Nah it’s good. We got it, plus it’s your birthday and we wouldn’t want you to have a bad birthday now do we?” Jared smirked walking past his family-friend to put down the stuff on the ground. He laid out the picnic blanket, and took out the plastic plates and cups.  

“I-I-I don’t um… um don’t don’t remember um packing uh those stuff?” Evan cocked his head to the side, he bit down his lip hard.

“Yeah I know. I did. Connor has the food,” Jared sat down waiting for the other two boys to join him. Connor sat down on the blanket with Jared, and passed out the food on the plates. He took out a large bottle of apple juice and shared it.

“Ew apple juice,” Jared took out a bottle of orange-juice and poured himself. 

“Put that away it’s disgusting, you’re disgusting,” Connor put the apple juice close to his chest, as if he was protecting a baby.

“You put that…  _ that thing _ away okay?!” He took a long sip from his OJ as Connor watched in disgust. 

Evan couldn’t keep his laughter in anymore, a nd started to bawl out laughter. Jared and Connor watched as Evan laughed and laughed and wouldn't stop. 

 

Today is a great day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like shit, i have a crush, my teachers are assholes, and i dont post regularly so sorry for that. School has been stealing my motivation for living tbh. 
> 
> In other words, how have you guys been? Im interested, and want to know more about the people who actually read this crap. Kay, Bye! Have a great days loves!


	25. Chapter 25

Evan’s Birthday was very fun. They had talked about Riverdale, Social Media Apps, Podcast, Trees/Nature, and the Greeks. Connor enjoyed being listened to, and enjoyed listening to people who actually kind of cared about him. Sunday morning wasn’t that great. He had woke up at around 5 in the morning, got lectured by his mother, got cursed at by Zoe, and he had lost his weed which meant he had to waste more money. The only good thing about that day was the few minutes he spent time with Evan, that was the highlight of his day. Since Saturday was such a good day, and so was Sunday, Connor decided that he could go to school on Monday. Hopefully some idiot wouldn’t fuck up his day and he wouldn’t spiral into suicidal thoughts.

The sky was gray and gloomy, september was still hot for some reason but there were more windy days, Connor was probably sick considering the fact that he had been laying in his bed whenever he wasn’t with Evan, and that he stood in the rain for an hour in the morning. So there was a large possibility that he was slightly sick. Once he mustered up enough Energy to deal though breakfast, he got up from the floor that he was sprawled out on.   
What time was it? 6:39? That meant Connor had… around 30 minutes or less to arrive to school. Great. Connor trudged over to the bathroom, and stared at himself in the mirror. He hadn’t changed besides the fact that his eyebags weren’t as noticeable, and he wasn’t as pale. He had been going outside more, but also he hadn’t been cutting himself as often as he use to. The bandages he previously adorned on his wrist had been replaced with new ones, and Evan had drawn on his new bandages which made him a little less ashamed of the scars. He patted his hair down, ruining and re-fixing it again and again. Once he finished fixing his hair and brushing his teeth, he went downstairs to get through breakfast. With a thump, he sat down across his sister. Zoe had been sitting alone at the table alone until now.  
Connor’s leg bounced up and down nervously, he started fidgeting with the loose strings on the end of his sweater. His mouth open to say something to Zoe, but she spoke first.  
“Where were you last night?” Zoe asked not bothered to look up from her phone. Connor shifted nervously, his back arched up.   
“I was… busy,” Connor coughed darting his eyes away from Zoe’s green eyes.   
“But where?”   
“I was at a um… birthday party! With a friend!” Connor picked on his black nailpolish, his knuckles cracking nervously.  
“Very funny Connor, can’t you see how hard Im laughing?” Zoe’s look unamused.   
“I was! Do you want proof or some shit?!” Connor went fishing through his pockets for his phone, Zoe nodded. Once he had got the phone, he searched through his gallery looking for a picture of Evan. Once he found it he showed it to his sister, a very blurry bad picture of Evan laughing with a light blush on his cheeks. Zoe didn’t have a second to think of who the person in the picture was, because Connor had swiped the phone away from her face.  
“Who was that?”   
“Nobody!” Connor jumped up from his seat and ran out the door. She didn’t need to know.

  
Connor arrived at school, tired from all of the walking he did, and all he wanted to do was sit at his desk for an hour while the teacher ranted on about why y= some shit yadda yadda. Before that though, he had to get through all of the kids in the hallway. Connor scanned the packed hallways, his eyes falling on Evan Hansen. He rushed to get to his boyf- uh he meant his best friend, but got stopped by Alana Beck.  
“Connor! Hey! I haven’t talked with you since the beginning of school! How is life so far? You haven’t showed up in chemistry for a few days now? Miss Lloyd asked me to help you tutor you, or help you with homework! So if you need help I can-”  
“Um we can try this week on wednesday? I don’t think I have anything better to do,” Connor ran his hand through his hair thinking of reasons why he shouldn’t be suggesting this.   
  
Alana stared at him for a moment not expecting his suggestion, but quickly turned back to her happy cheery self. “Well I guess it is then!” Alana walked away from Connor, her hair swayed back and forth, she was extremely smart. After that encounter with Alana, Connor started to walk towards his locker only to be interrupted by Jared.

“Hey Murphy Boy,” Jared flashed a devilish grin, Connor let out a loud groan. “Aww Connor I didn’t know you missed me that much! Anyways look I have a 100% serious no-jokes question to ask you.” The taller boy looked over at the shorted mischievous boy, “Sure.” Connor sounded unsure about what Jared was asking.

“Are you gay for Evan?”

Connor’s face turned an angry red pushing Jared away from his face. “Fuck you.”

“I'm serious! The way you look at him! How he blushes around you and you blush around him, your hand twitches when his hand is near your hand. Not to mention you kissed him when you were drunk-”

“I DIDN’T KISS HIM!!!” Connor screamed at Jared, everyone in the hall turned to stare at him. Watch as the freak screamed at the poor innocent kid who did nothing wrong. Connor pulled up his hoodie, tightening the string on his hoodie, hiding away his now red face. The taller teen walked away with his head ducked down, he felt everybody's eyes on him. Jared’s hand fell on his shoulder, Connor heard a small “I’m sorry” before walking into the bathroom.

Connor had been in the bathroom for the last 2 periods, and no he wasn't wasting his time. He did the project he was assigned to do with Evan, read a book that was in his bag, and scrolling through the endless void of Tumblr with messages saying “woopsie doopsie Internet is not really working OOPS”. It annoyed him endlessly, but he didn't really care.

He heard the door open loudly, a louder slam when the door closed. He heard a son and heavy breaths layering over each other messily, and a backpack falling to the floor. Connor tried to make the least noise he could in the stall, his knees close to his chest and his breathing very slow and silent. He heard a lock on the door and silence…

Connor heard crazy messy sobs with a tiny voice repeating “I'm so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so stupid” out loud. Connor’s gut twisted, he started picking on his nail polish as his back arched up. He felt bad, like really bad. He has felt those feelings before, he lives those feelings everyday, hearing this kid repeat the same thing over and over again reminded him of himself. Connor stood up, took a deep breath, and opened the stall.

Hopefully this wasn't a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I suck and don't upload regularly.


	26. Chapter 26

“Hey look dude-” Connor opened the stall, that wasn’t a guy. This bathroom was too clean, the stalls not drawn all over with dicks and writing, and most importantly, there were actual _mirrors_ in the bathrooms. This was _not_ a guy’s bathroom, which meant the person cursing themselves wasn’t a guy, which _also_ meant Connor had been in a girl’s bathroom for the past 2 hours.

“What the fuck?!” That recognizable voice spoke. Zoe Murphy, the perfect child, had red eyes and hot wet tears streaming down her face, her nails digging into her palms, she was shaking. Once she realized who was sharing the bathroom with her, Zoe started wiping away tears and splashed her face with water. “What are you doing in here? Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

 

Connor watched as his sister struggled to erase any trace of tears or flaws, she was failing to say the least.

 

“Zoe.”

 

“A-Aren’t you supposed to be in the _boy’s_ bathroom?”

 

“Zoe.”

 

“This is a girl’s bathroom, were you smoking weed?!”

 

“Zoe-”

“WHAT?!” She snapped turned around to face he brother. Connor looked at her with a worried face.

 

“What happen?” Connor tried to ask in the softest voice he could, he knew he was a bad brother. He knew he sucked, he knew he was horrible, he knew that Zoe and himself did not have a good sibling relationship, he knew that he wasn’t classified to be called a “brother”, but he wanted to. He wanted to a kid again when he and Zoe would tell each other secrets, he wanted to be a good brother, he wanted to know.

 

“What do you care? You-you’ve never been there for me, you scream at me, _wh-why should should I tell you?!”_ Zoe had many good reasons not to tell Connor _anything_ , but he was here now wasn’t he?

 

“Because you’re repeatedly telling yourself you suck and you’re crying in the bathroom, the door’s locked, you’re afraid, and scared, and don’t want mom and dad to know. You’re upset, afraid, scared, lonely, willinging to do anything to not feel those things. _Zo_ -” He hasn’t used that nickname since he was a kid-” I’ve been through that, and now look at me! So tell me what happen.”

  


She was hesitant at first, she had a reason to be, but when that lone single tear ran down her cheek he broke. She trudged her way over to Connor, her arms wrapped around his slim body, tears wetting his sweater. For a long time, Zoe didn’t say anything, all she did- all she _could_ do- was cry, and Connor didn’t mind. He wished he had this when he was younger, so this was the best thing he could do for his own sister. Zoe cried on Connor’s shoulder until the bell rang, then she decided to speak up, but she still didn’t release from the hug.

 

“I think I might be gay.”

 

Well… fuck. So was Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me uploading this chapter took guts, because its adding an extra not very necessary chapter, and 26 chapters into this shithole and we still haven't even gotten close to the problem. 
> 
> Remember when this fanfiction was good and I uploaded regularly? Yeah I wished that happen again.


	27. Chapter 27

Finding a long haired brunette boy with dark clothing was proved to be very difficult, but when Evan finally found his friend he was very… confused. Walking out the girl’s restroom with his own sister was an odd (and not very common) sight that Evan would usually see, but he wasn’t going to just stand and stare. So the blonde walked over to the Murphy siblings, and gently touched Connor’s arm, startling him.

 

“Oh Evan,” the brunette smiled, calming down a bit, touching Evan’s hands. “Zoe I’m guessing you know Evan, vice versa.” A weird, but useful, greeting.

 

“Hey.. hey Zo-Zoe!” Evan smiled, Zoe smiled back. “Where were you?! I was worried and scared and Jared told me he was sorry, and I didn’t know why?! C-could you-you tell me what happen? I-I’m sorry what Jared did, and sorry for bothering you but are you okay!  _ Are you hurt? _ What happen? Wh-Wh-”

 

“Evan.” Connor’s hand felt on top of his friend’s blonde hair, a small blush forming Evan’s face. “I’m fine, c’mon, let’s go.” They walked off together, but Connor turned to his sister mouthing something Evan couldn’t read correctly.

 

~

 

**_October_ **

 

Feet dangling from the swings, a pair of combat shoes and regular sneaks swung back and forth in a pattern. The rustling of leaves, the joy and laughter of kids playing, and the creaking of the chains of the swings was heard. The blue sky turning orange to match the fallen leaves, and the clouds joining together to form shapes. The two teenage boys swung mindlessly back and forth on the swings, and then Connor spoke.

 

“Zoe is hosting a halloween party next week. Parents are going out of town, and so it might get… crazy. Do you maybe wanna hang out?” Connor asked his friend as he stopped swinging. Soon after the brunette stopped swinging, so did Evan.

 

“Oh yeah sure. Where?” Evan’s nervous stutter had lessen over time next to his friend, and but sometimes- on occasions were he felt like a bother- he would stutter non-stop.

 

Connor smiled at his friend, but quickly went back to his normal state. “Maybe you could arrive at my house at around… um uh… 5 pm? We can eat candy I bought, and once Zoe’s party starts, we can ditch. How does that sound?” 

 

Evan thought for a second, “sounds like fun!” Evan smiled, quickly dismissing it when he realized something. He has  _ never _ visited Connor’s house, he always came to Evan’s home, never the other way. He started wondering how it looked, was it big or small? Was it cozy or stiff? Was there a weird mixture of color in Connor’s house, or was it all nice and fancy? Before he wondered any more, he chose to ask the more important questions. “Where do you live?” 

 

Connor turned to look at his face, a questioning brow lifted up, but Evan quickly apologized for the weird vague question and re-fixed his question. “I me-meant where… where do do you live f-for the halloween thingy-ma-bob? A-and if you-you are going to to to pick me up or if I’m go-going to wal-walk to your-your house?” 

 

“ _ Oh _ ,” Connor nodded his head, “I’ll pick you up I guess.” 

 

The boys started swinging back and forth again as the sun set in front of them. 

“Connor,” Evan whispered.

 

“What’s up?” The taller boy asked looking up at the sky. 

 

“I might be gay.” 

 

_ ‘Well that makes 3 of us _ ,’ Connor thought.

 

**~**

A week later, Evan sat on Connor’s bed smelling in the presence of cinnamon and caffeine. He wiggled under the blankets, sticking up his head from the warm presence, and  watching as his friend put on a shirt. 

 

Last night Evan had slept over at his friend’s house, and he could remember the games they played. Truth or dare, Kiss, Marry or Kill (Evan couldn’t dare to kill any celebrity though), and then Connor tickled Evan until he let out a loud kitten-like scream that made Connor die of laughter. 

 

Evan remember all of them talking last night (Zoe had also joined by the way), and he kept staring at Zoe. Well not staring but glancing, thinking about that major crush he had on Zoe Murphy, the “daughter of Aphrodite”. He didn’t stop thinking about how he now likes… well… he’s not sure if he likes. He thinks a lot about  _ that _ boy, he dreams of hugging and kissing and cuddling with  _ that _ boy, and he always talks with  _ that _ boy.  _ That _ boy was- well  _ is _ \- Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy who is extremely handsome, Connor Murphy who’s laugh is like the laugh of angels, Connor Murphy whos hair gets in his mouth and he sputters it out but somehow that still is attractive. Connor Murphy who is blushing because Evan has been staring at his body and-

 

“ _ What? _ ” The brunette covered up his body, Evan blinking relizing what he was doing.

 

“Sorry sorry! I zo-zoned out! You don’t have to cover yourself! You’re super-very handsome!” Evan said. “Wait- no I that’s not what I meant! I’m not gay! Well I might be- I should shut up.”

Connor grabbed his towel and put it around his waist, before leaving to the bathroom to shower he told Evan where there were clothes Evan’s size. After Connor left, the blonde boy sat up on his friend’s bed, staring at the dresser. Connor’s room was messy but not too messy, messy enough to know that a person actually lived here and it wasn’t a guest room. Evan expected that Connor’s room would be a lot more…  _ edgy _ to say the least; the room was small and plane. Connor had a dresser, a regular blue bed, a plastic shelf with many little things on it, and that was all. On the shelf though, there was 2 action figures hidden away but noticeable, blankets, clothes, combat boots, and a few clothes on the bottom shelf, a thermos, a small speaker, a tiny microscope, many small paperback books, headphone, an xbox controller, a small red container, and a box of uno cards. The only odd things in Connor Murphy’s room was the stack of books in the corner of his room that somebody gave him (they were all previously in Evan’s house) and a broken window. 

 

Evan finally decided to get up from Connor’s bed, fixing the sheets, and grabbing his clothes from the top of Connor’s dresser. Evan had showered last night- he always showered at night- so all he had to do was change. Once he changed he stayed in Connor’s room sitting at the edge of his bed, waiting for somebody to tell him what to do. As Evan waited he took out his phone to see text messages from his mom and Jared.

 

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: r u fukin the murphys?**

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: what a crazy threesome**

Evan cringed, why does Jared have to make everything so…  _ weird _ .

**HansenChild: gross no Jared. Im just sleeping over.**

**InsanelyCoolKlienman: Yeah sure whatver. Goodmorning by the way sleepy head.**

Evan swiped out of their conversation to his Mom’s text message.

 

**Mom: Hey Sweetie. Goodmorning. Sorry I couldn't respond yesterday? Did you and Jared have a nice sleepover?**

 

Evan cringed at his previous text message. He knew his mom would say no if he said sleepover with a  _ “friend” _ -she would ask about him, ask to meet him, and Evan couldn’t sleepover with strangers!- so Evan lied saying it was Jared. Evan would tell his mom eventually… just not yet. The teenager replied with a quick message, and stood up stretching. How long has he been on his phone? It wasn’t that late, but Zoe’s party would start 9 pm so… what? He had like 8 or 9 hours left? Connor was still showering and now Evan was bored. He threw himself back on Connor’s bed, his legs and arms stretching out, Evan was ultimately bored. If he somebody didn’t tell him what to do he was going to jump out that broken window, well… no he wasn’t. He was bored, too bored to use his phone, too bored to talk, too bored to stand, too bored to-

“Hey Evan,” Zoe opened the door sitting down beside him. Evan’s eyebrow raise up, and so did her. He sat next to her on Connor’s bed. 

“He-Hey Zoeee,” Evan tried relaxing, but ughh he was so awkward! He could feel his own cringe down his back. 

“Listen I came to ask you something,” Zoe picked on her purple nail polish, it reminded Evan of Connor. “Um… how do I say this without it being weird? Well… how long have you known Connor?” 

Evan breathed in, “Last month we… well… we talked! We… yeah we talked.” 

“Just a month?!” Zoe sounded surprised. “I’m sorry, but I thought you guys knew each other for more than a month. I mean the way you look at him and-and-and-”

“What the fuck is happening?” Connor walked in on the two with his towel around his waist.

“Nothing! I’m going to go. Nice meeting you Evan,” She smiled walking out the room muttering something to Connor making him flush. Connor slammed the door behind Zoe, his towel dangling from his waist. 

“Uh… Connor. Are you okay?” Evan stood up, his hand falling gently on Connor’s shoulder.

“Right right! Sorry sorry! I um-” Connor blushed. “I have boxers on.” Evan stared at him questioningly, before realizing that Connor had just dropped his town. Out of reflex, Evan covered his eyes, he heard a chuckle from Connor. “Dude, it’s okay. We’re both guys.” Connor walked past Evan, his hands softly rubbing Evan’s side, tickling the blonde boy. 

“Yeah well I’m gay and-” 

Connor stopped in his tracks, turning around to see his gay friend.

“So you’re admitting it? You’re gay?” Connor walked closer to the blond short boy, Evan’s face started to heat up. 

“Well… I mean yeah? I guess? Well more  _ bi _ than full on gay! But still… wow you’re hot-” Evan’s hand went up to cover his mouth.  _ Did he really just blurt that out?! _

A moment of hesitation passed, the corner of Connor’s lips turned upward, his mouth opened and laughter exploded from him. He fell on his bed, his hands over his eyes and stomach. Evan didn’t think his embarrassment was  _ that _ funny, but watching  his crush his friend laugh made him smirk.

“I think you're cute too Hansen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the ending of the chapter is a pile of dog shit, I can't bother to re-read and fix it. WEll I can but tomorrow is school and ugh fuc k me honestly. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys are doing swell! I don't know about you guys, but loving is tough! I love you guys and remember to smile! Kay bye!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so im a little piece of poop and APPARENTLY chapter 26 never uploaded?!???! SAIGUFHAIO WHAT!? so like,,, read it for more info and im so sorry i truly am!

Loud music, a packed crowd of people, many drunk underage kids-

Wait…

Where did the beer come from?

Zoe Murphy’s halloween party would go down as one of the craziest parties in  _ years _ of Jefferson High and all because some asshole of a jock thought it was a cool thing to drink. Sure, Connor drunk all sorts of beer, but he only drank to forget not to crash a party or “have fun”. Still- Connor couldn’t help but sneak a few Corona’s to his bedroom. 

Connor knew he was an emotional mess when he drank, and when he was high it was even worse. That was a problem, but Connor still drank. He drank beer when he was alone though, but here he was drinking the 3 can of Corona with a tipsy Evan Hansen. According to Hansen, he had only drank once before, and ended up getting a headache the next morning. Connor said it was only because it was his first time drinking beer, and he was like… 50% sure that was the reason. 

 

Evan Hansen had dressed up as a character from a movie called Amelie, and Connor dressed up as Jack Skellington from the Nightmare before Christmas. Zoe had done his skeleton make-up which was fucking  _ fly _ as hell, and Evan had borrowed Connor’s shoes for his outfit. Now the alcohol was making them hot and messy so their halloween costumes were gone and replaced by normal clothes. 

 

“Connor guess what! I’M SOO GAY!” Evan giggled. He had been whispering, screaming, and just talking about how gay he was for the past 5 minutes and Connor was starting to wish he had been recording it since the beginning.

 

“That’s amazing Evan.” To get Connor Murphy a drunken mess you would need more than 3 cans of beer, to get Evan Hansen drunk you would need less than half a can of beer. Connor watched as Evan curled up on the floor wrapping his arms around himself. He looked like a cute little puppy. Connor felt his face darken a shade of red. 

 

“Connor,” a small fragile voice came from the floor. The brunette hummed in response. “I’m gay,” the voice whispered, and Connor chuckled.

 

“I know Evan. I know.”

“Connor,” Evan lifted his head to gaze into Connor’s eyes. “I like a boy. And omg omg omg he is so sweet and nice and he struggles a lot and I don't know what to say- do-do-do I just go up to him and kiss him or? Or? Or?” 

 

Connor’s stomach dropped. Evan liked somebody? “Who?” He wondered to himself out loud.

Evan stumbled to sit next to his friend. “Don’t judge me o-okay?” Connor nodded grabbing onto Evan’s hand. The shorter boy’s head fell on Connor’s shoulder, and in a small whisper he managed to say, “You silly.” 

 

**~**

 

**_November_ **

 

“Ugh,” Connor groaned loudly. His head fell on the sheets of paper he needed to study for this big test coming up in math, and Evan nor Jared was in his math class so Connor was struggling alone.

 

Awesome. 

 

Math wasn’t the only thing in his mind though. The Halloween party a week ago was still bothering him. What Evan said. Did he really mean it or was he just drunk? Evan didn’t even remember what he said! So maybe Connor was making up stuff to satisfy himself, but if he was doing that then that would mean Connor had a crush on Evan. And he did not want to have a crush on his friend! That would ruin their relationship and make things awkward between them and everything would be hell. 

 

But… Evan was kinda cute. He giggled a lot, and he had this warm small smile that reminded Connor of like… fall and spring having a baby child and that baby child is Evan Hansen. Evan also had  _ this _ : :3 type of smile and oh my god it teared Connor into pieces. 

 

But no. Connor could not think of Evan Hansen, literally the cutest boy on the planet, of more than just a friend. He felt a vibration from his pocket, and quickly checked the message.

 

**JermHeere: Hey Connor.**

 

Right. These guys. Connor hadn’t talked to them in a  _ while _ , since Evan and school clogged up his brain 100% of the time. Connor was going to put down the phone but then he remembered something. Jeremy and Michael were  _ best friends _ before they started dating, and if you look at them you can tell how much of a happy couple they are. Connor’s pretty sure their 8 month anniversary happen… yesterday. Oh fuck.

 

**ConOnTheCob: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU BIG GAYS SORRY I FUKCING FORGOT AHH IM SORRY**

 

Yeah that wouldn’t satisfy both boys.

 

**JermIsHot: Yeah you fukin forgot asshole.**

**JermHeere: MIcheal!**

**JermIsHot: Right sorry . I sucked your dad off yesterday. It was amazing.**

**JermHeere: MICHEAL!**

 

Connor chuckled to himself. He totally missed these dudes.

 

**ConOnTheCob: Although I would totally care about waht you two homos did last night in bed, I have a** **_serious_ ** **problem.**

 

Yeah, he was going to tell these guys. They were kinda  _ experts  _ at this type of shit.

 

**JermHeere: Go ahead Connn.**

 

Conor took a deep breath before typing.

 

**ConOnTheCob: Oko kok soo on halloween my sister kinda had this party right? And my friend (Evan) was there**

**ConOnTheCob: We’ve been friends for like… 2 months? And i kidna developed tiny sorta kinda feelings for him. Yeah I knwo increbidle.**

**ConOnTheCob:Anyways some asshole brought drinks to Zoe’s party and I managed to steal some.**

**ConOnTheCob: Anyways, we got drunk (well I got tipsy he got fucking drunked! It was so increbdile and cute and ahh lemme get back)**

**ConOnTheCob: And we were talking (well he was screaming out how gya he was)**

**ConOnTheCob: And he said he liked someone.**

**ConOnTheCob: And I asked who? …**

**ConOnTheCob: …**

**JermIsHot: He said you didn’t he?**

**ConOnTheCob: HE FUCKING SAID ME**

**JermHeere: OH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKK MEE**

**JermIsHot: I’d love to darling but right now is not the time.**

**ConOnTheCob: wh-what DO I FUCKING DOO?!?!? ??**

**JermHeere: Well do you like hhim?**

 

Connor knew that question was going to come up sooner or later, and well…

 

**ConOnTheCob: I mean I do! But like… I’ve only known him for 2 months and**

**ConOnTheCob: what if he thinks that creepy? Like 2 MONTHS?! Seriously!? Plus he’s my friend and I dont know and im afraid our relationship will break and augh. Being gay sucks.**

**JermIsHot: look dude. If you fuking love him go and tell him thst your have a nice big ‘ol boner for ‘im. And he can rather say no or yes to yu.**

**ConOnTheCob: Well what if he says no?**

**JermIsHot: WELL than if he is a** **_tru motherfucking friend_ ** **he’ll still be your** **_goddam friend._ ** **If not than he can go die in a hole.**

**JermHeere: Micheal!**

**JermIsHot: Hey! Same fucking rules applied to you when I asked you out! Thank Jesus Mary and Joseph you thought I was decent looking.**

**JermHeere: So if I said no… then…**

**JermIsHot: If you said no and still accepted my gay feelings for you then you don’t go in a hole and die.  I love you Jerermy, don’t think into it. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou**

**ConOnTheCob: Ew get that gay shit away from these good christian neighborhoods..**

Connor put down his phone. Michael was right. If Evan didn’t except Connor’s feelings he could go die in a whole, but that guilty feeling still remain. What if they were going  _ too _ fast? What if Evan was just lying to Connor and faking his love? What- what if? 

 

Wasn’t there like some formula to love? Why did Connor have to know how to solve for x, why couldn’t he learn how to learn how to love? 

 

Math and love was difficult. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but like....... arent we all just a tiny bit in love with Mike Faist? 
> 
> Anyways Ben Platt left DEH and i got sorta... i dunno? Upset? He's leaving so much hard work and I couldn't do that and I dont know hot word it. But I kinda felt... something else. Proud? Like he did so much and im so grateful! 
> 
> So uhhhhh, spicy memes? I love them. Im an edgy memelord who is stereotypical and cries a lot! But i love those *friggin memes.
> 
> *No Cursing on my good christian notes please thank you.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!

The sound of leaves crunching under shoes and the weather being more colder than usual was starting to become more common. Fall had settled in, and thanksgiving was today. Evan sat in the red Toyota his dad's new fiancé had, he was very uncomfortable with the changes. Chris, his dad, had recently got engaged with Shauna, his new fiancé, after they found out Shauna was having a child. Evan cringed, how could his dad get engaged with Shauna, some cocktail waitress who earned minimum wage, and not his own mother who earned more yearly?! How could Chris just leave his child for some brand new child?   
He couldn’t hate his dad though. Evan popped out of nowhere, his new kid was expected. Evan was a mistake pretty much.   
Evan was still a tiny bit angry at his mom forcing him to go to Colorado just to visit some stranger and his stranger wife and his stranger child. Evan tried to find a compromise with his mom, but she wouldn’t seem to give in. So here he was, miles away from his home, visiting his dad and his new family.   
“Evan we’re here,” Shauna smiled at him through the rear view mirror. Evan smiled back unplugging his earbud, and walking out the red car.   
Evan had noticed that the car was new, and since Shauna earned not so much, then that meant his dad bought her the car. Chris couldn’t even waste a dollar on a postcard to send his own son.   
Awesome.  
Evan took his bags (a backpack and a traveling bag) and followed the curly-headed girl into her home. A familiar scent hit him with the smell of thanksgiving food. It was early, but all of his family was here.  
“Evan!” His aunt waved at him from the kitchen, and everybody turn to look at the boy with social anxiety. His uncles and aunts came at him, his grandparents hugged him, his cousins hugged him also or did a handshake, and then his dad cams.  
“Hey there kiddo,” Chris smiled. Evan didn’t like being mean, but this man left a 20 year old mother and her 7 year old child with nothing but themselves. He could’ve at least send money for child support, but this asshole didn’t even send Evan a postcard or letter saying he was alive. It wasn’t until 5 months ago had this asshole sent his mother a letter about his new life and pretty much bragging about his new life. Chris could go fuck himself.  
“Hey,” Evan squeezed in the backpack straps. Chris could go die, but Evan would never tell him that.   
“Here, gimme your things. Go sit down at the dining table, your family from your mom’s side are here already.” Chris grabbed Evan’s luggage, and Evan obeyed his dad.

The blonde sat down, and then he immediately got flooded with questions from his family. His mom’s family still liked Chris, and since they lived near Chris, they celebrated holidays together. Evan hated all of his family except his mom. Once basic questions got asked more intimate questions got asked.  
“Do you have a girlfriend?”  
“You still have your virginity?”  
“Is your whore of a mom still-“   
“Hey Hey! Now don’t say things like that alright?” His dad came in the dining room, and the subject quickly changed.

Evan wished he had stayed back home with his mom and Connor.

~

“So, Evan. Do you have a girlfriend yet?” The adults asked once again, their direction towards Evan again.   
Evan started to mess with the hem of his button up shirt.  
“N-No ma’am,” He shoved a forkful of mashed potatoes in his mouth.  
The aunts giggled. “Aww Evan, come in. Ease up! We are your family after all.”  
Family doesn’t make fun of each other and call their siblings whore and messed up shit.  
“Sorry.”  
“Evan do you have feelings for a girl?”  
His face started to flush. A girl. Really? He couldn’t help but give out a small chuckle. His family was asking if he likes a girl, and they didn’t know he was gay.   
“Oooh you do?!”  
No.  
“Evan has a girlfriend!”  
“Evan likes girls!”  
“Evan who is she?”  
“Is she white?”  
“Is she a Jew like you?”  
“Is she-“  
“Is he a guy?” A voice sparked up from all the teasing. It was Evan’s cousin on his mom’s side, she was an outcast in their family since she recently came out as gay. She also was dating 2 girls, and was always pissed at her family since they were homophobic.  
“Lily don’t shove your beliefs to Evan!”  
“For all we know he can be gay, and you guys saying ‘girls girls girls!’ Is only making me get a boner so-“  
“LILY!”  
Evan laughed. She had a dirty sense of humor but she was funny and nice to Evan.  
“Evan Hansen, do you like girls or guys?” Lily turned to look at him, the rest of his family did too.   
Of fuck.  
“Well I like girls too-“  
“TOO?!” He heard somebody from his family scream. Then he heard waves and waves of whispers, Evan felt his anxiety spike up. No no no no, this couldn’t be happening. No no no no, he could feel his heartbeat quickening, it felt as if he was going to die. He felt a hand pulling on his shirt sleeve, and one second he saw his family and then he was in a room that he hadn’t been in before.   
“That makes 3 of us Evan Hansen,” Lily grinned with another of Evan’s cousin, he didn’t know Anthony was gay?  
“I’m Asexual,” Anthony smiled. “Closeted though.”  
“And you?” Lily shut the door and locked it.  
Evan shifted in his seat. He knew Lily was gay but Anthony was new, Evan should tell him. The only other person he told about his sexuality was Connor, and Connor was his crush and he needed to tell somebody else.  
“Bisexual.”  
Telling somebody felt way better than having it being cooped up in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate the holidays, my family always argue but the food is good I guess. :/  
> Lily and Anthony being named I just thought of, their personality has been thought of before. I’ll probably changed them, so like... comment names down I guess.


	30. Chapter 30

Watching out the window as the suburbs turned into fields and barns, Connor knew they were almost to his grandma's house. His grandma on his dad’s side of course, his “mumum” on his mom’s side passed away 3 years ago. Connor didn’t hate the camp and fields where Grandma Lisa lived, but he just hated his dad’s side of the family. Well… he hated all of his family actually. Each year their “friendly teases” would become just plain bullying, and Connor never fit in. He was too old to hang out with kids, and too young to hang out with the adults. So when they visited for the holiday’s he stayed in his cousin’s room the whole time.

Leo, the cousin that Connor occupied his room every time, killed himself when Connor was 12 (Leo was 13) and so the tradition will continue. A cousin killing themselves near the holidays, just goes to show how much his family sucks. 

Connor hated the holidays, they all sucked, even Christmas. He knew exactly when he started to hate them, and he knows exactly why he hates them.

When he was 12, after Leo died, Connor had became very sad and was too upset to go to Thanksgiving, but everybody just shrugged it off like it was nothing. That made Connor incredibly angry, Leo was the only person who was nice to Connor, and then at dinner everybody never even  _ mentioned  _ his passing. And when they  _ did  _ bring him up, they just talked trashed and insulted him. Connor fucking hated his family. 

Another reason is because his family  _ always  _ had something to argue about and it bothered Connor. Can’t they just spend a holiday like a normal white family?! 

 

His family had arrived at Granny’s house at around 12 in the afternoon, and immediately Zoe and his mom went to the kitchen to help. Larry went in the living room, and Connor was left alone. He went upstairs, not greeting anybody, and opened Leo’s room. Leo used to live with his Granny in his last few days of living, and so many of his clothes are still here. Connor used to wear them when he really missed him, but now they don’t fit him anymore. He really misses Leo.

Connor locked the door and threw himself on the bed, his grandma only cleaned this room once every month so this room wasn’t the  _ tidiest _ room but it worked. 

The brunette unplugged his earbuds and set them aside. He closed his eyes and starting to dream off.

Connor forgot to confess to Evan- well he didn’t  _ forget  _ but he did chicken out. It was the day before Evan left for a week to Colorado, and they were spending the whole day together. At any time Connor could’ve said something along the lines of “I have a big gay crush on you!” And then be done with it, but he didn’t and now he regretted it. Connor accepted his feelings for Evan, but he was still afraid. Afraid that Evan might reject him or use him or hurt him, but Connor could always imagine himself kissing and cuddling with the small blonde. Connor could imagine them making out, holding hands, sleeping together. Well sleeping as in the same bed, not as in the other way…

Connor blushed. He was such a creep. 

He heard a knock, and opened his eyes. Maybe if he didn’t say anything they would just leave.

“Connor it’s me. Open up,” on the other side of the door Zoe’s voice was heard. Connor groaned, and unlocked the door only to fall back on the bed.

Zoe sat next to Connor, and a silence fell upon them. 

“Did you lock the door?” 

Zoe turned to look at her brother, she nodded.

After Zoe had somewhat came out to Connor about her sexuality, they become… in a way… closer? Not close enough as they use to when they were kids, but close  _ enough _ to talk and not scream at each other. After Connor told Michael and Jeremy about what happen at the Halloween party, he then told Zoe, and she was happy for him. Zoe encouraged him to confess to Evan, and well… he tried. 

“Did you confess?” She asked him after minutes of silence.

Connor groaned, and turned on his side to not face his sister.

“ _ Connor,” _ She whined poking him on the side, it made him jump. He was very ticklish there.

“I-I chickened out okay! He was just there! And I was afraid! I’m sorry!” Connor burried his head in the pillow. He was so stupid! Evan wasn’t going to be in school until next Thursday, and Connor could only text him. Connor wanted to look at Evan, he wanted to see his smile and eyes, he wanted to hear his cute laugh, he wanted to smell the warm smell of Evan, he wanted to touch Evan’s warm chubby hands and his cute freckled-face. He wanted Evan, and he wasn’t going to have him for a week! Connor was such an idiot!

“Look it’s okay. You can do whatever you want whenever you want, but… at least  _ try _ ,” Zoe rubbed Connor’s back. She was too nice to him. After all he did to her, after the fucked up childhood she had because of Connor… she was so forgiving.

“Anyways I came here to ask if you want to eat with the family in the diner later tonight? Mom says she doesn’t want you getting mad on a holiday, so are you eating here or downstairs?” Zoe stood up, Connor missed the warm feminine hands of his sister rubbing his back. Ok, that sounded creepy. 

“Up here I guess,” he rolled over to face his younger sister. 

Zoe nodded and walked out the room. He was alone again. 

  
  


Zoe brought his food to Connor, and he ate while watching Buzzfeed (don’t judge him) on his phone. It was 6 around the time Connor had  _ finally _ received a text from his crush.

 

**HansenChild has sent a message. [Image attached]**

**HansenChild: Happy thanksgiving Connor!**

Connor started at the image on the phone. It was Evan, but he looked… like an angel. The lighting showed his freckles more clearly, his skin looked smooth, his eyes were glowing, his lips looked pink, he looked… so beautiful. Connor stared at the picture until he noticed that 3 minutes had passed and he hadn’t replied yet. 

**Conner: Yup. You too dude. You look… amazing! In the picture I meant! I mean you probably look good right now in real life too. You always look good that is. Fuck- I should just not type.**

Connor groaned. He was such an idiot! How can he mess up via  _ text message _ ?! 

**HansenChild: thanks connor! You probably look nice too!**

Connor chuckled at Evan’s attempt of a compliment.

**Conner: I look like a dead worm.**

**HansenChild: you probably don’t.**

**Conner: yeah I do**

**HansenChild: prove it. >:) :P **

Connor stared at the message. Evan was daring.

**Conner: risky and frisky Evan. Totally kinky! ;)**

Connor groaned, he was so cringey. Connor stood up to go get Zoe, if he was going to take a picture of his vampire face then he should atleast make it somewhat nice. 

He traveled downstairs and tried to swiftly grab Zoe’s attention. She was staring at her food like an idiot! If she could just look up and-

“Connor! You haven’t greeted us yet! Come here and give me a hug!” Some aunt pointed out Connor, but he made no movement. 

“Connor please,” he heard his mom say. Connor rolled his eyes and gave his best hug he could give to his aunt, but he was so uncomfortable.

“So how have you be-“

“Look. I’ve been fine, no I don’t have a girlfriend, yes I’m a Virgin, and no I’m not hungry. Can I just borrow my sister for a second? Thank you,” the brunette grabbed his sister’s arm and pulling her away in the hall. Once in the hall Connor requested for a picture, and she rolled her eyes but agreed. 

After 10 pictures Connor finally send a picture to Evan, one he thought was  _ okay. _ He got a heart emoji as a response.  

Connor blushed, biting his bottom lip stopping him from smiling but failing miserably.

“Gay,” Zoe poked his side, making him jump.

“Yeah I am.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda... dont like how this is turning out? I mean, I started this story when I was newbie DEH fan and everything was just me rushing to get out a chapter. I want to finish this though. but i don't think it's good enough...   
> um yeah. Also, my followers are gayy! AYYY! WE LIT FAM! (Cring!) Well probably not all of you,but,,,, yeah. All of you are awesome either way. So thanks 'kay bye!


	31. Chapter 31

Evan was finally home. His gay cousins had been teasing him for liking Connor, even sending him a picture of Evan himself to Connor Murphy. Of course Connor sent a wayy better one of his beautiful face, and then everything was fine. Of course that didn’t mean that the rest of the week was fine. His dad and his fiance had to have the talk about his sexuality, questioning if he was sure, and then- with a pat on the back from his father- they let him go. Evan had heard them whispering all night though, and when Evan was at the airport to head home Chris told Evan that he hadn’t old Hiedi yet. Which meant it was Evan’s responsibility to tell his mom. 

Awesome.  
He didn’t really mind though. He has been meaning to come out to his mother, and well… he has to do it sooner or later. Plus, it’d be better if it came out of her son’s mouth and not some random people.   
He remembers on the car ride back home, the radio was playing some soft christmas tunes (because after Thanksgiving is Christmas, but the Hansen’s don’t celebrate Christmas) and Evan was super anxious and nervous. His father had held him for about an hour or two just talking about being gay, and yadda yadda. Even then, his father still seemed… disappointed? Evan didn’t really know much about Chris, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t a christian. He had sex with Evan’s mother, and only married her because of Evan. Then he proceeded to cheat and marry some other chick. Didn’t seem very christian-y. Yet he still had some homophobic views, but Shauna did seem more into it. That her step-son is a homosexual and she can show him off to her gay millennial friends. So Evan telling his mother was confusing. How would she feel? Would she be happy or sad? Will she hate him? Evan’s anxiety was getting the best of him, and Heidi had noticed. They arrived and Heidi sat through with Evan through his panic attack. Once the panic attack had left, she asked him about what he thought was the cause of it. So he told her the truth in messy sobs and whimpers.   
Evan clearly remembered her shocked face, and then her motherly-warm smile settled in. She hugged him super duper hard, and kissed his cheeks and forehead. The teenager was confused, but his mother was very accepting. They fell asleep together on the couch, and when Evan woke up he was in his bed. Heidi had let him skip school on friday and so now here we are.  
Evan currently is watching Re-runs of Saved By the Bell when he heard a knocking on his door. His anxiety kicked in. He didn’t have many friends, he didn’t order anything, his mom is at work, who could it be?   
“Ev! Are you home? It’s me Connor!”   
Oh.  
Evan rushed to the door giddy with excitement, and threw it wide open. Connor stood at his full height, his hair all over his face, his lips and cheeks were matching the same crimson red color, and a smile was plastered on his face.  
“Thank god you’re here! I couldn’t stand another day without you!” Connor surprised Evan by pulling him into a hug.   
Oh fuck.  
They stood in the doorframe of the Hansen’s house, Connor’s arms wrapped around Evan’s waist, Connor was hunched a little so he could hug the shorter male better. When Evan didn’t react, Connor pulled away.  
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Sorry- I- fuck- shoot. I just- I missed you and- I thought it was fine- and fuckkk. I’m so sorry, I should’ve asked. Consent is amazing and fuck! I’m gonna go now,” Connor started to walk away from Evan, but Evan stopped him before he left.  
“N-no! Wait!” Evan grabbed his hand stopping Connor in his tracks. “I. I came out!”   
Connor stares at him for a second. Right, that wasn't specific at all.  
“To my mom! I'm gay! I-” Evan walked towards Connor and smiled. “And she was okay! She accepted me!” He wrapped his arms around the taller boy, and smiled into his shirt.  
Connor looked down to see Evan, the blonde boy was smiling from ear to ear, a velvet blush covered his cheeks. Connor smiled, wrapping his arms around the shorter boy.  
“Your mom is awesome. I have to meet her someday,” Connor rested his chin on the boy.

~

Uncomfortableness wasn’t quite the word Evan was looking for, that word is too rough. Some word that kinda chill and laid-back word that meant something along the lines of being awkward and comfortable at the same time. If somebody could find that word, than that was the current mood of Evan and Connor at this moment.  
Evan kept glancing at Connor every second while some TV show played on the background.   
“You-you’re nail-nails,” Evan reached over to touch Connor’s hand. He flinched when Evan touched him, but quickly replaced the shock look with a tiny small.  
Connor Murphy’s nail were a pattern of white and black, and they were all in somewhat good shape.  
“Oh. I- Zoe and I painted our nails… together. Kinda… therapeutic. We- we’re fixing, we'll trying to fix this broken sibling relationship.” Connor squirmed, but sat back straight, and held on to Evan’s hands.  
Evan smiled at his friend, and nodded gently. “That's good.” When he started to take his hand off Connor, the brunette kept on holding the blonde’s hand. Evan raised an eyebrow.  
“I have a confession. Please don't hate me afterwards.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, some motivation to upload more this year. I've posted... 2 times? In November (I think) and hopefully I stay with 2 times a month.


	32. Chapter 32

Evan wasn’t at school today, which bothered Connor a lot. He couldn’t take not being with Evan another minute, so at lunch he ditched school and started walking over to the Hansen’s house. Luckily for him, Evan wasn’t sick he was just tired from Colorado. Evan ranted about Colorado, his dad, his cousins, and about stickers for some reason. They ate some cereal, and then at down in silence for 10 minutes. Then Evan talked, then Connor knew he had to tell him the truth.  
“You can tell me whatever you want Connor, you’ll still be my friend,” Evan gave Connor his softest smile and honestly, it kind of helped. Connor breathed in, and scooted closer to Evan. He took a deep breath.  
“I’m so fucking gay for you,” Connor cut himself off once he saw Evan’s face. It was as if the blonde boy saw a ghost, not what Connor expected but at least Evan didn’t throw up. “Look- I- fuck! I asked Zoe, Michael and Jeremy, and they all told me to tell you and I know you just came out and I thought you would be okay with me telling you. I understand if you hate me, but please let me explain.” Connor squeezed Evan’s hands.  
“On Halloween you got kinda drunk, and you kept saying you were gay and well I was too. Well- I am gay, well- anyways… you said you liked me and I, I don’t know if you were just drunk or if you genuinely like me but fuck!”  
“I fucking love you so much, I think about you every damn second. Today was torture without you, Evan Hansen I love you so very much.”  
Connor breathed out. He let his eyes fall down to the floor, his hands let go of Evan’s, and the brunette started to stand. “I’m sorry.” He whispered at Evan starting to walk out the door. He couldn’t help but feel his heart shatter into a million pieces, he hated the feeling of rejection. He was stupid, he was stupid, he was stupid, he was stupid. That’s all he told himself, he knew this would happen yet he still did it.  
“Connor.” His name was called from behind him. “I-I-I. Don’t leave,” The blonde boy hugged Connor from behind, and the taller teen smiled. “Do you… you maybe wanna um, come over for the last day of Hanukkah? Well you don’t have to come for the last day, actually come tomorrow, you don’t have to of course, but I think my mom should know the uh-“ Evan smiled. “The person I’m going to be, I’m going to do this omg,” Evan whispered the last part. “The person I’m going to-to-to da-date.”  
The brunette turned around slowly, “what?”  
Evan bit his bottom lip sticking out his tongue, “Can I kiss you right now? Please.”  
“Ev-“ Connor's breath hitched. No way was this happening. Connor placed his hands on Evan’s back pulling him in, “Please don’t ask.”  
Maybe it was a bit rushed, but the kiss was spectacular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to describe the kiss, but I’ll do it next chapter. Plus I’ve never kissed anyone so I’m going to base it 100% on whatever tips and advice tumblr used to describe a kiss


	33. Chapter 33

Evan always found his house to be sorta small, the kitchen and living area was one room, the upstairs luckily had 2 rooms and a bathroom. His dad paid child-support so that was one reason Evan and his mom were still living in the 2-floor house that Evan has been living in his whole life. His home was also cozy, Connor once confessed to Evan that he'd rather spent his life at this house than his own. But now Evan felt that his small home was extremely large, because he couldn't see anything but Connor. All his furniture felt like they were miles away, his door felt as if it were across a football field. All of Evan’s focus is on the boy with the beautiful long hair, the many earrings, band-aids covering his fingers, and sweaters that make him look too skinny. All of Evan could focus on is how Connor smelt like cinnamon instead of weed, it made Evan smile that Connor didn't smell as much as weed as he use to. All Evan could focus on is on Connor's warm soft lips, on Connor’s hands pulling Evan closer and closer by the waist, on Evan’s own hands caressing the taller boy’s cheeks and jawline. All Evan could focus on is how Connor’s lips tastes like mint, as if he was planning on this kiss happening. All Evan could focus on is Connor, and his beating heart. All of Evan Hansen’s attention is on the boy he had been crushing on for so long, Connor Murphy. The blond had long closed his eyes, but he could still remember where all of Connor’s features are at.   
Evan’s nose brushed Connor’s as he tilted his head, leaning in his head for more.   
The blonde smiled, finally.  
Sleepless nights thinking about if this day would ever come, and now it’s happening. Evan heard a giggle, and their magical kiss quickly got sloppy as Connor pulled away. He laughed and laugh, his eyes crinkling and his teeth showing.   
“My neck is killing me babe, can we go sit down? You're very short,” He pecked Evan on the cheek.  
‘Omg he called me “Babe”’ Evan smiled at his thought.  
Evan nodded and pulled on Connor’s hand, the lack of kissing Connor Murphy was making Evan desperate and needy.   
As soon as Connor sat on the couch, Evan leaned in forward. He didn’t ever want this moment to end.

~

Evan’s mouth was dry, and apparently so was Connor’s because after pulling of each other they both went to get a water bottle. Evan smiled while drinking his water, the brunette looked at him.  
“So are we a thing now?”   
Oh yeah. Kissing your crush who also likes you back can only mean one thing. They have to date, Evan squirmed and smiled happily. Boyfriend. Connor Murphy is his boyfriend. He'd have to get use to that word.   
The blonde heard his boyfriend chuckle, “I'm guessing that girly shriek means yes.” Connor walked over to Evan and smiled. “Fuck your beautiful. Fuck I'm gay. Evan Hansen I fucking love you.”   
Omg he said the “L” word.   
Evan smiled larger. “I love you too Connie.”   
“Connie? Cute. You're making me sound all cute and not edgy and emo. You're vil,” Connor joked kissing Evan on his forehead.  
Omg.  
“Well you are cute.”  
“Not as cute as you.” Connor bopped Evan’s nose.  
“Yeah you're right. You're way cuter,” Evan flirted.  
“Wow, Evan who knew you were flirty. If you were dating me right now, I would kiss you,” Connor smiled mischievously. “Oh wait. You are.” Evan laughed as Connor closed in the space in between them.   
Omg. This is amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok 2 things:  
> 1\. boku no hero academia is so good so far, I watched the First 4 episodes of season 1 an de honestly.... such a blessing. Made me cry.  
> 2\. Percy Jackson the musical is amazing and I love I think always make sure me cry and feel depressed.
> 
> Anyways, wow describing a kiss is something else. I. Have to research about Hanukkah now, if you guys know anything about it don't hesitate to inform me in the comments. Thank you and don't forget to drink water, eat, and sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

For the past 4 months since meeting Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy hasn’t smoked weed. Well, he has, but not as much as he use to. He remembers coming home at 3 in the morning smelling like marijuana, and smoking the same drug non-stop. He was lucky he hadn’t died from an overdose. Connor had erased his dealer’s contact and replaced with Evan’s contact, Connor tried to talk with Zoe, Connor tried to understand his parent’s reasoning, Connor was trying and that’s what mattered. It’s better to try than to not ever try.   
It's better to try and fail than fail to try.   
Connor once saw that quote while scrolling through the early days of Tumblr. He remembers chuckling at it and then smoking the lit up blunt.   
For the past 4 months since meeting Evan Hansen, Connor hasn’t hurt himself. Well, he hasn’t cut himself. He remembers going into the bathroom, and slicing in little lines into his wrist and not stopping until the red droplets came out. Connor remembers those memories of self-harm all too well, he wishes he could forget but the scars on his arms don’t allow him to forget. They use to be constant reminds of how stupid he is, of how fucked up he is, of how he doesn’t deserve to be alive, now their reminders of how Connor has changed and how Connor hasn’t done that again. Although the Murphy Brother isn’t cutting himself, he did hurt himself other ways. Milliseconds of hot water on his arms, slamming something hard into his arm, stabbing pencils into his hands by “mistake”, but he hasn’t really done that self-harm in a long time so he’s fine.   
In the past 4 months since meeting Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy has fallen in love with the small blonde boy who talks too fast or doesn’t talk at all, who worries a lot, who sweats a lot, who looks just so damn adorable. Connor Murphy loves his boyfriend Evan Hansen.  
After both boys confessed their feelings to each other 2 weeks ago, Connor slept over at the Hansen’s. Evan’s mother didn’t catch him sneaking through the front door luckily, Evan had promised he would tell his mom about… their relationship. Connor didn’t make promises, but he told Evan he would try.   
So now Connor sat in the living patting his hands on his knees waiting for Zoe or his mom to come home, Larry was an asshole who hated gays. The white clock on the living room ticked and tocked, it made the brunette’s head swirl with endless possibilities of an outcome. It made his head dizzy. Zoe was at band practice, it was Jazz Band Tuesdays, and his mom was at the grocery store. Zoe knew Connor was gay, he had come out to her first because he reaction was a combination of how their parents would react. She was surprised, she was an 8th grader, she knew nothing about homosexuality except that guys could like guys and girls could like girls. She brought up at the dinner table that night, Larry had told her not to bring up such distasteful things, and Cynthia told Zoe that she could love whoever as long as they were nice. Cynthia and Larry had opposite reactions that took a toll on Connor, he knew that he would be fucked either way because parent tell each other everything.   
Connor sighed, fuck. He heard the door handle twist, he hoped it was Zoe, but instead came in their whole family. It was as if they knew Connor was going to tell them about dating the anxious cute boy.   
“Connor! You’re home early,” Cynthia smiled. Connor smiled back nervously. He noticed that his mother noticed about his behavior. He would arrive early, do some of his work, not smoke as much weed, take showers. She noticed Connor was actually taking care of himself, and so now her son and herself would have… conversations.  
“How was your day at school honey?”  
“It’s okay.”  
“Anything new happen?”  
“Uhh… no not really. How was your day?”  
Connor noticed that he was making his mom proud, and that made him proud. On the other hand, Larry wouldn’t show any of his feelings. He was such a manly man, when Leo died Larry didn’t do anything. He had on the same stone face he always did, Connor wanted to punch that face into something more flexible.  
“Yeah,” He looked at Zoe. Connor didn’t know if she noticed his new behavior, but he wished she did. Connor wouldn’t scream at her, Connor wouldn’t threaten her, but Connor wouldn’t talk to her. Besides the normal conversations of:  
“Do you have a sharpener?”  
“No why?”  
“I need one for my eyebrow pencil.”  
Connor had requested that sharpener, not her.   
“I’m going upstairs to take a shower,” Zoe told her family, and running to her room.  
Larry mumbled something about his office.   
Connor stood up.  
“Mom,” Connor called out his mother before she could also leave. It has been a long time since Connor has said “mom”. Usually not even saying her name at all.   
“Yes,” Mrs. Murphy asked with a hopeful shimmer in her eye. She had hope that her family could once be like it was, happy. Connor didn’t have hope.  
“Can I tell you something? Something you promise not tell anyone? Not even Larry,” He whispered the last part. His mom nodded happily but nervously at the same time. She sat on the couch as Connor stood in front of her.  
  
“Mom I’m gay.”

Connor stood with his eye closed and his defenses up, he was ready for a smack on the cheek or tears down her face but instead he got a hug. He got a hug from his mom, a real one this time. He got a hug that squeezed him and loved him and cared for him and loved him. Was he crying?!   
“Oh sweetie,” She rubbed her hands down and up his back. He used to love when she would do that when he was child, he still loves it.   
“I-I’m not d-done,” Connor pulled back. He breathed in a long breath… and breathed out. “M-” His voice cracked. “Mom. I’m… I’m dat-dating some somebody. Some… some guy.”   
“Sweetie.” She was disappointed wasn't she? She hated him. She was just hiding the fact the she absolutely found him disgusting. She wasn’t the first one. Connor felt his nose flare up, his fist clench.   
“I’m proud of you.”  
Any thought of suicide or anger left Connor's body as his mom breathed out those words. Then he broke. Sloppy sobs and boogers rushing out his nose, he was such a mess but he was happy his mom knew. He was happy his mom understood, he was happy he had a mother like her. Even if they didn’t get along when he was younger, maybe they can get along now. His mom rubbed his back in circles, and after a while (when they heard Zoe exit the bathroom), his mom told him to wash up for dinner. He did just that, and a smile never left his face.

~

“Wow.”   
“Wow Indeed Zoe. Mom accepted me so she’ll accept you. And if she doesn’t you still have me,” Connor smiled largely. After dinner he and Zoe raced to his room (which smelled like Febreeze after Zoe sprayed 3 full bottles since it apparently stunk like skunk) and Connor told her what happen.  
“But…”  
“But what?” Connor raised an eyebrow. She had no reason to debate with him, they both knew Connor was right.  
“But I’m not sure!” Zoe fell on Connor’s bed hiding underneath his blankets.  
“It’s okay, but when you are sure, don’t hesitate to tell my mom okay?” He ruffled his sister’s hair.  
“Alright,” Zoe curled up and quickly fell asleep. Connor exited the room and curled up on the couch next to his mom, he then fell asleep on his mother’s lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if Connor coming out to his mom isn't very... well written. I don't know what to base it on so it's kinda very bad. :/ Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! I'm not dead and neither is this fanfic! More notes below

Meeting your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents was already awkward for a  _ straight  _ person, it became worse once you're gay, and even  _ worse _ when you and your partner were pretending to be the straightest of friends and they weren’t totally dating! Evan felt the bumps on the roads as his beautiful boyfriend drove to his own house. It would be a lie to say that Evan wasn’t nervous, he was extremely anxious actually. He expected for the worst, he daydreamed of terrible outcomes, and- although he won’t admit it- Connor’s way of talking about his parents scared Evan. 

_ “He has such a stone cold face, it makes me want to die and cry,”  _ Connor said that about Larry once, and it fucked up Evan. It terrified Evan that Larry was so… well, scary!

_ “It’s as if she’s so scared of me becoming a drug dealer that she forces a smile on her face. She always looks like somebody carved a smile on her face, like a fucking pumpkin!”  _ Cynthia Murphy wasn’t as scary, but her description seemed creepy. It gave Evan goosebumps.

Maybe noticing his worry, Connor’s hand feel on Evan’s thigh.

“Hey,” He smiled, his voice quiet and gentle. It quickly relaxing and grounded Evan. “It’s alright. I promise you nothing bad will happen to you. I love you, otay?” Connor very subtly referenced The Little Rascals. Evan smiled back at his brunette boyfriend.

“O _ tay _ ,” He giggled, his hand entangling with Connor’s. 

In a matter of a few more minutes, they had arrived at the Murphy’s household. It was a large white house, with yellow accents, and a beautiful green lawn. It seemed like a mansion, and rich. The house left Evan dumbfounded. Wow. Connor’s parents must’ve made a lot of money to have a house as large as this! Last time he was here, he must’ve not noticed how large the Murphy house really was. This time he’ll take in every detail.

“Come on. I told them we were going to be quick,” Connor held onto Evan’s hands up until the front door. Once the large grey door opened, 3 rooms greeted him. To the right was a fairly empty room, 3 couches and a fireplace were all that was in it. A few family photos were in there too, pictures of baby Zoe and Baby Connor filled most of the walls.  

“Don’t look at that,” Evan heard Connor say as Evan gazed at the small room. “My baby pictures are hideous.” Evan chuckled.

To the left, a dining room with a luxurious white chandelier hanging from the ceiling. And forwards was an enormous area, Evan hoped it was a kitchen/ living room area. He followed his boyfriend as they walked further along, and Evan’s prediction was right. At the Kitchen stood a middle-aged woman with ginger hair, the kitchen isle there were plates of ingredients laid around. Evan heard his boyfriend cough.

The women turned around, and her curious expression quickly turned into a happy smile. 

“Connor you’re home! C’mere gimme a kiss!” She walked with her hands behind her back since they were dirty with food. Connor smiled awkwardly but did as he told, and he kissed his mother on her cheek.

“Uh- Mom! This is Evan, Evan this is my mom!” Connor greeted the two, and Evan smiled.

“Hi, Evan! You must be the boy Connor told me about, you two are-” She cut herself off and got closer to them. “Dating correct?” She whispered. Evan looked at Connor and then nodded.

“Ye-yeah!” He chuckled nervously.

Mrs. Murphy back up and a smile sat on her face again, “Well dinner’s almost ready! I’m making Rustic Ratatouille! Welp, Zoe’s in her room. You two can hang around until dinner is  ready!” Connor nodded and allowed Evan to follow him as they walked on. The living room was huge, of course. A large flat screen Tv was on the wall, brown couches all in square-like shape, with 2 sides of the square missing and belonging to the TV. A door near the living room let out to a large backyard with a white couch and many grills?

“Let’s go upstairs,” Connor grabbed onto Evan’s hands and running up. From a quick glance, Evan saw three(?) rooms. “Larry’s office is that one.” Connor pointed at one particular door and then ran upstairs. 

In the upstairs were… cabinets? It seemed as if some of the kitchen was also moved upstairs. 

“That’s my parent's room,” Connor pointed at a closed door and kept leading Evan forward. They came to a halt at one room, but Connor opened the door. It was his room. He had been here once, and only once, but it hasn’t changed. The broken window still there, the messy decorations thrown around, everything was the same except some clothes were put away and some pictures were hanged. Taking notice of Evan’s stare at the broken window, Connor decided to say something.

“Larry’s getting it fixed this or next week. Don't worry about it okay?” He sat on his bed and waited for Evan to sit too.

The blonde nodded and sat next to his boyfriend. December was starting so the days were getting colder, Evan had a reason to be worried. He didn’t want his new boyfriend to freeze to death before Hanukkah or before Connor had a chance to meet Evan’s mom. The last day of Hanukkah was when Ms. Hansen would officially meet Connor, and everybody was excited. Evan sort of… nervous, but excited nonetheless. He hoped it would go as good, or better, than the dinner they were going to have downstairs in a few moments.

Both boys heard a knock on the door, their heads snapped to the sound.

“Connor, can I come in?” A muffled feminine voice asked. Connor replied by yelling yeah. 

Zoe Murphy stood in the door frame with a flowery pattern on her loose dress, she seemed tired. 

“Hey Evan,” She greeted and walked over to Connor, falling on his bed. 

“You okay?” Connor asked his sister with a hint of worry in his voice.

“Yeahh, gay problems. I meant girl problems!” From the side of Evan’s eyes, he could see Zoe rushing to cover her pink face. He couldn’t help but laugh a bit. Zoe Murphy, the definition of Goddess, the girl he used to crush on so hard back then, confident and cool Zoe Murphy becoming a blushing mess. Guess everybody isn’t perfect.

“Oh Zoe,” Evan heard Connor talk. “You can’t hide the gay,  _ embrace it _ !” He opened his arms and smiled a toothy grin. Like Zoe, Evan turned red. 

His boyfriend was cute, wow.

“Shut up Connor!” She said, kicking him but he just laughed. After some moments of silence, Evan spoke up.

“Oh! Uh- Zo-Zoe I like your dress it’s nice.”

She looked up from the bed to meet Evan’s smile. “You think so? Mom says it’s too loose.”

“W-what? N-no! I like it a lot, it’s very… flowery?” Evan smiled again. 

“Oh, thank you.” She stood up brushing a piece of her hair that had fallen in front of her face. “I’d rather wear some jeans though.”

Evan raised an eyebrow. “So why don’t you wear them?”

“Mmm, dad said that since we’re having a guest over I  _ have _ to wear a dress. I don’t know why though,” She started to twirl a strand of her hair around her finger.

“That doesn’t make sense? You should wear whatever you want. I mean- it’s your choice, your body.” Evan felt more confused. How come parents never let their children what they want to wear? His mom used to paint his nails when he was a little boy, mostly blues. Even when he started to grow up, he only grew into the “blue” color scheme because it was his choice. His mom never forced it on him. 

“You’re getting angry, calm down.” Connor stood up to put his hands on Evan’s face startling him.

“Hey!” He smiled.

Connor’s fingers parted a bit to let Evan see a bit, but his view was quickly covered by his boyfriend’s face. “Calm down. You’re too cute when you’re mad, stop making me mushy.”

“I-” 

“How ‘bout you change Zoe? Dad can’t say anything if there’s a guest here,” Connor smiled gazing at his boyfriend. 

Zoe’s mouth was parted a bit, but she quickly smiled. “You’re right! BRB!”

Evan was still pouty like but Connor fixed his face with a kiss on the cheek. “Babe, calm down.” Immediately Evan relaxed.

“Sorry,” He mumbled, and Connor smiled. 

“Don’t apologize, you’re right about the dress thing. My boyf is cool and loves justice!” Connor pumped his fist in the air.

“Yeah. I love justice,” Evan mumbled. Connor sat next to him and giggled. 

 

Dinner was… nice. Evan didn’t get an anxiety attack, Connor didn’t yell at his parents, and Zoe didn’t cry. So yeah, dinner was nice. There were times when all Evan needed was a hug from his boyfriend or a pat on the back from Zoe, but besides those 2 things Evan was fine. Larry asked Evan about himself, and Cynthia seemed a bit too cheery that Connor had a friend. Larry also didn’t notice that Zoe changed, or maybe he did and just didn’t mention it. Evan helped Mrs.Murphy wash the dishes, then he help Mr. Murphy work the TV, and finally, he helped Zoe with her nails.

“You’re too good at this,” She pouted once. Evan was just finishing doing her last nail on her pinkie. A nice lavender color decorated Zoe Murphy’s pretty nails.

“Tha-thanks. I use to help my mom when when I was younger,” Evan smiled.

Finally, after finishing the Murphy family Evan went back into his boyfriend’s room and fell on his bed. 

“Tired?” Connor laughed when he saw Evan groan into Connor’s bed sheets. Evan did nothing but groan in response. Connor moved over to rub his boyfriend’s back softly. “I’m happy you’re here,” Connor whispered. Evan gave some weird happy noise from the sheets. Connor laughed. 

“Hey! Get up get up! We’re going  _ somewhere~ _ ” Connor grabbed Evan’s hands and lifted him up easily. He gave Evan a kiss on the cheek and gathered his things from his room. 

“Where are we going?” Evan asked as he pulled on his jacket. Connor grabbed his hand and walked downstairs. 

“To the Orchard!” He smiled with a toothy grin. Evan smiled back but last time he was there… well... Last time he was there he met the love of his life bleed from his wrist, and Evan doesn’t know if he can face that memory again.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, Evan. I’m better now. I have you now,” Connor reached the front door and put on his shoes, Evan did the same. “Be right back!” The brunette called out and left with Evan at his side.

 

“It’s cold,” Evan whispered. He rubbed his arms up and down his arms for warmth but it proved to be useless.

“I know sweetie, but it’s perfect drawing material. Also, my therapist said I need to let go of the past to move forward,” Connor was some sort of alien because he took off his jacket and was left with a short sleeve shirt.  He turned around to face his boyfriend. 

“You see these Evan? These ugly horrible stupid scars on my wrist. I hate them. I hate seeing them. I hate knowing that they’re there. But it was my fault I did these.”

“Connor you don’t have-” Evan reached out but Connor pulled back.

“No. I have to face what I did.  Listen,” Connor continued. “I know that why I did was bad. But now, even without you, I feel… better. Like some sort of heavy ball was lifted from my back, like the chains that held me down were broken, like the cage I was kept in was open. I feel… free!” His stern face turns into a large grin and he jumped up. Connor cupped his boyfriend’s cheeks into his hands. “Y’know I love you right? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.” Connor gave Evan kissed on his cheeks, forehead, ears, neck, and finally on his lips. Evan laughed. 

“Why?” He asked still giggling.

“For not leaving me to die in the forest. For keeping up with this mess. For having faith and hope in me. Evan Hansen,” Connor got on one knee.

“You better not be proposing to me,” Evan held onto Connor’s hand.

“What? No!” Connor laughed. “I just wanted to do this.” As he said that Connor lifted Evan into the sky, and twirled him around. 

“I love you,” Connor whispered.

“I love you too,” Evan whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok, so I took TOO long to write this chapter. Originally it was supposed to be uploaded around January, but my unmotivated ass said no and took longer. But... here you go. I tend to solve a few questions left unanswered in the last few chapters (yeah this is ending in a few chapters surprise surprise!) so if you have any questions about the plot ask them in the comments. Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate every single one of you. I love you guys <3  
> One more thing, the Murphy house is based almost 99% on Cole & Sav's house. (Go watch their newest house tour) but Everleigh's playroom is Larry's office but with a regular door. Yeah!   
> Love you guys, stay awesome.


	36. Final Chapter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter Question Mark? Because if you guys have any questions about my horrible inconsistent writing and plotline, please don't hesitate to ask! Thanks for reading thus far, lots of love! <3

 

Apparently, Connor loved Hanukkah  _ way _ more than Christmas. He ran around Evan’s kitchen helping out Heidi with the food, washing plates that were dirty, cutting vegetables. Evan had never seen Connor as happy as today. Actually, that’s a lie. Connor is always happy around Evan. Evan was also helping out, not as much as Connor, but he was doing some stuff. He mostly helped set the table and getting ready to eat. It was actually very pleasing seeing his mom and his boyfriend communicate so nicely and easily, warmed Evan’s, small heart. Once the food was finished. His mom made  levivot to eat, and other foods too. Once settled around the table, they started to eat. It was the last day of Hanukkah and he was celebrating it with his two favorite people in the world. Life felt… easy. Like nothing could go wrong. Evan knew he probably jinxed it with that phrasing, but right now he couldn’t care.

“So you’re the amazing boy who’s dating my son?” Heidi said from thin air. Connor and Evan almost choked on their food. 

“Wa-was it that eas-easy to tell?” Evan asked once he regained his breath. From the corner of his eye, he saw Connor blushing madly.

“No, not really. Up until now, I thought you two were just very good friends. But my maternal instincts kicked in one I saw Evan give Conor that  _ look _ ,” Hiedi explained looking at both boys lovingly. Evan glanced at Connor who looked at him lovingly. 

“Well at least we don’t have to go through that awkward talk,” Connor smiled. Heidi smiled back and the rest of the dinner was normal. Evan’s mom would ask Connor about his likes, hobbies, any future plans, and Connor would answer them truthfully. After they had finished their dinner, they still sat at the table talking. Evan listened in as Connor revealed his whole life story to Heidi, even added parts that not Even Evan himself knew. Luckily, Ms. Hansen was very accepting and gave Connor advice on his future and dating with Evan. After cleaning up, both boys and Ms. Hansen curled up to watch an old Christmas movie that was playing on the TV. It was such a nice day.

 

-

  
  


“Connor?” Evan whispered. He was curled up on Connor’s chest, both laying on Evan’s bed. After the movie had ended Heidi went upstairs to sleep, and Connor and Evan cuddled in on Evan’s bed. 

“Hmm?” Evan’s boyfriend hummed back sleepily.

“Can I ask you something?” Connor yawned, sat up on the bed, and nodded. 

“Anything.”

“Why do you hate Jared?” Evan mumbled into Connor’s pink hoodie. It was actually Evan’s but Connor kept it since he just kept using it.

Silence passed between them. Maybe Evan shouldn’t have said that maybe he should’ve asked something about both of them and their future. Not about Jared. Evan panicked for a brief second, but Connor grabbed his hand softly.

“Believe it or not, Jared and I use to be friends back in middle school. But when I showed signs of me being… well… gay he just ditched me. Then he started hanging out with you, and I just spiraled into uhh depression,”  Connor rubbed circles on the back of Evan’s hand. He didn’t seem upset, but Connor didn’t show his sadness very often. 

“I’m sorry I-” Connor shushed his boyfriend by pressing his lips to Evan’s.

“Don’t worry about it. Jared and I are fine now, we’ve uh… talked y’know. Actually, he was the first one who knew about my big gay crush on you. He knew I had a crush on you before I realized it! Ha!” Connor chuckled and Evan joined in nervously.

“What! How?” Evan asked.

“ _ Well _ ,” Connor smiled at his lover. “The long stares at you gave it away I guess!” 

Evan smiled and leaned in to give Connor a kiss. Their lips touched briefly. 

“What happened to all those books by the way? The ones that were stacked in my house for 3 weeks?” Evan seemed to have many questions.

“Oh, they’re in the basement. To be totally honest, they were just an excuse to come over here all the time. ANd if you’re asking, I found out your house cause I am a stalker. I saw you her once when I was walking home.”

“Stalker!” Evan hit Connor on the chest but lightly.

“But look, that got us to me kissing you on the lips now! So is it a bad thing or a good thing?” Connor smirked. Gosh, he was so cute!  
Connor kissed Evan to prove his point.   
“I love you,” He whispered.

“I love you too,” Evan whispered back.

**Author's Note:**

> Took me half a whole day to write this. Yeepee!  
> Add me on tumblr at saturnghostmother


End file.
